January 8, 2014
Woke up this morning feeling a little bit like someone who was coming out of a fog and suddenly notices that they're in the midst of the leftovers of a train wreck. House feels like it's in complete disarray and Jason and I have eaten out in the past week more times than I can count - but there's no food in the fridge for lunches. He is going to grab a hamburger, but I feel bad knowing we just ate out last night.
Just trying to figure out where I've been and what's been going on the past few days. A lot of changes in new things starting and a busy weekend and hanging out with people - but I feel completely disorganized and the house reflects that... It isn't a complete wreck - I think Jason has been holding it together at the seams - but I just feel a little lost and wonder where I've been.
That feeling always makes me feel a little sad... LIke there's time I've lost that I can't get back - and though I know there's been stuff You have been doing inside and outside of me - I'm wishing I had a day off to try to set things back in order...
But working today - then Bible study - then pottery and tomorrow - another full day at work - then dentist appointment - then Gravitate - and finally Friday - perhaps that night Jason and I can pull it together to clean and settle before Apple gets here (hopefully Saturday!) Although most Fridays we are so burnt out and we may just want to veg out again. It just feels weird - after so many days of inactivity suddenly so much.
I know it sounds likes I'm complaining - I don't mean to - just sad that I've been so absent from my own home in body and spirit and wishing for some time to put it all back together again. As though I could have had time to prepare for all the change, but before I realized it, things started. I suppose that's how life is... It doesn't wait for you to be ready for it.
This will be my last entry in this particular journal too... I guess appropos. It feels like the ending of a chapter today - but it's always sad to be done with a journal for me. I get used to one and then have to start another - and by the time I get used to the second one - it's time to start a new one again. Seems silly... but I do get attached (starting to sound like my dad!)
Sorrow in my heart today over a chapter closing - over potential missed opportunities the past few weeks - over a year gone and a new year come. I am looking forward to the changes, but I guess I hadn't really given myself time to let go of the last year and I woke up realizing here is the new beginning already started and I wasn't dressed and ready to see the old one off and the new one welcomed in. We will have to stumble through awkward introductions for a little until we are familiar - this new year and I - but at least the intro will be honest.
Psalm 71
"Your righteousness O God, reaches to the high heavens.
You who have done great things, O God, who is like you?
You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again;
From the depths of the earth you will bring me up again.
You will increase my greatness and comfort me again."
(v.19-21)
Do I believe that You will increase my greatness?
I think sometimes I forget that You are a God of resurrection and see You more as a God of death... There are so many things I feel you bring to the altar between us and ask me to lay down - so many things You may strip form me in order to teach me true dependency... but I also focus on the loss - on what was taken - and forget that in You death means new life... In You, loss means new beginnings - You are a God of Resurrection and Restoration primarily - not a God of destruction or deconstruction.
Even if I remember that in principle - I think I forget it in actuality and I forget what hope looks like.
In the midst of my sorrow and gentle grieving for what has passed in order to look forward to what is to come - help me to look with peace ahead... to feel in my heart the readiness to face them - together with You and with Jason, this new year. Father, I lay the old and the new before You on the altar and pray in belief that You are a God of LIfe out of Death - resurrection from ashes. May I be ever more Yours in this Year to come. Thank you for the year past - Amen.
