November 12, 2014
Much needed day of rest. Today is quiet and bright and my heart at peace. Words of a friend at a much needed time: The struggle is okay. The wrestle is good. You have the freedom to be who you are - where you are - that is also GOOD. That is ALSO the goodness of the Lord.
The storm was residing before - but today I feel more fully washed clean. It is good to take a deep breath - and I mean that in every sense of the words.
Thank you for carrying me through.
Thank you for the freedom of being honest.
Colossians 4:2-6
Such a little note tucked away at the end of the letter. Ironic to me that I already read verse 2 earlier today and that we are going through Colossians at church.
"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving."
I like the New Living Translation:
"Devote yourself to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart."
Alert and sensitive to God's will... watchful for His work - on guard against the fact that our greatest enemy lies within our own hearts and minds.
If more Christians realized that our enemy was not outside of us - perhaps we'd have an easier time with the next verses:
"At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open a door to us for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ... that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak."
The mystery of Christ - locked in my own inabilities - trapped by the limits of words and my own failings and hypocrisies - the word of Christ is not always clear. But often muddled and confused in my poor reflection.
How could any come to Christ unless You opened the door to their hearts? Such awful poor images we make. It feels like a tragic comedy to me that You would choose us to reflect the Best News to the world.
To be able to do that - to even share what light we have in our jars of clay - the following prayer/instruction is so important:
"Walk in wisdom (not arrogance! Not pride! Not "know-it-all-ism!" Not knowledge - not an-answer-for-everything - not impartial truth - cold logic - hard facts - or proof - walk in WISDOM) towards outsiders (not just those we consider outsiders - but who consider themselves to be outsiders) making the best use of time (what matters more? Winning the argument? Winning the philosophical debate? Spending time arguing about the theology? Or knowing the heart?) Let your speech always be GRACIOUS (not instructive - not corrective - not RIGHT - not perfected), seasoned with salt (You are the salt of the earth - put here to make people go "this is different - this tastes more alive") so that you may know how you ought to answer each person (as an individual, in their story, not as a people group - not as a philosophy - not as a point of view - not as a collective idea - but each. individual. person. As his/her self.)"
This is important.
This is Christ.
This is His ministry. His love - to His people.
Father - help me. It is easier for me to categorize people - even the people who are my brothers and sisters in faith (perhaps even more especially so with them for me than others if I am honest) than to see them as individual hearts to be heard. I want answers Lord to the collective questions - rather than wisdom for the individual soul. You come to us in the midst of our stories - of our lives - not to our philosophies, theologies, ideas, concepts, or collective opinions.
Help us Father to seek out the people behind the universalities that we wear. To not settle for a blanket response to the group this person belongs to - rather than to him/her as an individual in their own story - in the context of their life. Open up the doors to hearts Lord - and let me - help us - not to trample on those opportunities - on their hearts and souls - but to come in and season their lives with wisdom and love.
I am a poor imitation Father - and I make such a mess of things. Even as familiar as I am with words I still feel like I muddle things more than I explain them...
Truly it is a miracle that anyone hears the Good News of Christ whenever any of us who follows after Him opens our mouths or steps out into this world!
Help me Father to have true graciousness...
True grace...
That comes from the heart.
Not just in my actions or words or attempts, but grace that has been implanted where once their grew arrogance - pride - self-righteousness - self-abasement - and false humility. Teach me to be gracious by Your grace and Father - may I make this world taste better for those who are around me -
that they may truly taste and see the goodness of the Lord through my life.
Amen.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Nov. 11, 2014: Still Unable/Unwilling to Fully See
November 11, 2014
A lot of people have been talking to me since my last blog post about being angry at You, but none of them are voices I necessarily want to hear. It isn't that they are wrong or that I don't want to listen... Just that my head feels like it has been full of many things and now I want it quiet of the many voices and filled with Yours. Perhaps like with Job you may come down on me hard. Perhaps like with David you may comfort me and strengthen my faith. Perhaps You may be still and silent and ask me to wait on You. I don't know - but I do know that it is Your Presence I need - none other. And that is what I am seeking today.
Psalm 16
If ever I thought You had a sense of humor...
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
A lot of people have been talking to me since my last blog post about being angry at You, but none of them are voices I necessarily want to hear. It isn't that they are wrong or that I don't want to listen... Just that my head feels like it has been full of many things and now I want it quiet of the many voices and filled with Yours. Perhaps like with Job you may come down on me hard. Perhaps like with David you may comfort me and strengthen my faith. Perhaps You may be still and silent and ask me to wait on You. I don't know - but I do know that it is Your Presence I need - none other. And that is what I am seeking today.
Psalm 16
If ever I thought You had a sense of humor...
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.[b]
in whom is all my delight.[b]
4 The sorrows of those who run after[c] another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.[d]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
in the night also my heart instructs me.[d]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
I am not sure I believe that fully in my heart Father.
I
know it in my head and my soul that the words are true - but I'm not
yet at the place where my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices.
Right now it is still and quiet. Willing to listen - but still having a
hard time accepting. Still a little unyielding... still a little
defensive.
I am not sure I even want to ask for help right now...
Perhaps still trying to hold things together right now...
But I am here. I am here and I hope that is something.
They are not, as I was hoping - words of love and encouragement... But the words of a general to his soldier.
At the same time, You did give me the psalm and I kind-of rejected it - so perhaps it's time for me to also hear a warning.
Beware the hardening of a heart.
... But be honest.
Do not be anxious about defending yourself to others -
... But be concerned about what you stand before me and say.
You will be forgiven your anger against the Son -
But heed the voice of the Spirit within you.
You may be broken and spilled out - but I number every hair on your head
am aware of every ache in your bones and in your heart.
If
you believe today that I am true - confess it and do not deny it and
cling to it in the midst of the confusion and struggle and heartache and
the questioning of the world.
Gird yourself up Whitney - I did not send you out into this world to be pampered... but to be a servant.
My heart is heavy Lord. I feel cowardly and weak.
I would rather crawl into a hole of safety and pull the blanket over my head. Let this pass me by.
If any man would follow me - He must pick up his cross and bear it daily.
But then why, O Father, would anyone follow you at all?
Because I hold the words of eternal life.
Because what good do you have besides me?
Because though right now you don't see it - you don't believe it - you won't accept it -
At my right hand are pleasures forever. more.
Forever - and more of them.
Joy is in my presence.
In clinging to me you may rejoice in your sufferings because in me there is the inheritance of my son.
I am fashioning you like him.
I am melding you to him.
Crucible by crucible - in the fire as you are stripped - I am stripping you down to Him.
This is not love Father - it is cruelty.
No
my child, it is love to the nth degree - a love that transforms - that
knows every hair on your head and feels each death of your being - and
knows each breath of life breathed into it.
Stand firm.
Cling to me.
And trust that in the mighty crash of waves as deep calls out to deep - you will not be obliterated
But preserved.
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge."
There is still so much that I do not understand. Still so much I am trying to believe.
My heart is still heavy and I am still unsure.
Bear with me Father and help me.
Come my child and be swallowed up by me.
But how, O Lord, is that a good and comforting thing?
Because I would not see you consumed. I would not see you obliterated. I would not see you corrupted or simply broken apart.
I would see you washed and renewed and remade.
Then swallow me Father.
I will accept your sovereignty completely because everywhere I go I am so confused.
There are still no easy answers.
There is still only You.
And my heart is still unable and unwilling to fully see.
Father, You must help me.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Nov. 10, 2014: How do we say God is Good, when it Looks Like He Isn't?
November 10, 2014
So for the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to breathe.
And I don't mean that as some metaphor for life or as a figure of speech - I mean, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat gasping for air. Or during the day, when I'm going about my business, suddenly feeling a tight pressure in my chest and before I know it, I'm wheezing like a 90 year old who has just had my oxygen ripped out.
It's a fairly common issue - asthma - and I've had it for several years. But this year has been, by far, the worst in my life. I think prior to this year I could have counted the times I legitimately thought that my asthma might kill me on one hand... and I probably doubled that number in this year alone. And when I say I legitimately thought my asthma might kill me... I mean - I really thought to myself, "I may not make it through this... Dear God. Hold onto me."
The thought of dying doesn't scare me much if I'm completely honest - but there is a physiological terror that goes on when you are faced with your death - especially when you feel like your lungs are going to explode and you are drowning above water. And after a couple of episodes of this I started to get really sick of going through it... and I started to get mad.
I don't think that most of us operate under the illusion that we are perfect. If we are completely honest with ourselves, I think a lot of us would recognize that the problems and issues, the struggles and pains that we encounter throughout our lives are really brought on by choices that we've made. But I think a lot of us feel like we have a basic right to start off at square one - and to not have to suffer from something that is happening to us by no choice we've made - by something we have zero power over. And I don't think that's wrong.
I don't think we serve a God who says "yes, innocent child - you DESERVE to be born into a family that will abuse you" or "yes, person who lived a healthy life, you DESERVE to have cancer and die a painful death" or "you, person who has lived a good life, you DESERVE to have your family stripped away from you in some freak accident," why? "Because life sucks. There is sin in life. You are not perfect - ergo - you deserve to suffer in whatever happens in your life."
But in the midst of fighting for breath, and the frustration of medication upon medication, visits to the ER, and despite all the best that medicine could provide me, feeling like there was this basic violation to the most basic right TO BREATHE - I began to question what kind of God we really do serve.
How do you claim that God is GOOD, when He really doesn't look like He is?
Look - I KNOW the Christian answer to that one - that God is good all the time. That he works ALL things out for good - whether we understand it or not. That He is faithful. That He is just. That we can see that He is good by His past, His present, the future. We can bank on it because it IS who He is.
But what I wanted to know was, could I honestly say that... could I HONESTLY say that - when I was staring into a face - my face - of someone haggard, and worn out, and sick of undergoing a suffering that was brought on by no choice of my own.
And I know - that in the grand scheme of things - struggling with asthma is not as comparable to suffering abuse, or having your entire body begin to rebel in cancer or some horrible disease, or having your entire family stripped away - but it's a suffering that I had no control over. That nothing I did, nothing I chose would change... and I for God's sake, all I wanted was to fucking breathe.
And for weeks, looking at that question - I COULDN'T actually say "Yes. God is Good. And yes... I believe that with all my being." Because I was painfully aware of the fact that no matter how much I cried out to him - even in the throes of terror that I was going to choke to death before we could get to the hospital, in front of my husband who was awakened several nights in a row by my attacks, when I was so worn out I was thinking to myself "I can't take much more of this. I am so frickin' tired right now. Please, can't we just end this if you aren't even going to let me breathe?" And there was no relief to the suffering - no uplifting of the pain. If anything, things got worse and I started to think "Holy shit. Is this my life for now on? Is this what you will leave me in? ... And I'm supposed to believe that you are GOOD?"
Suffering has a way of making you aware of other people's suffering, if not individually, then at least theoretically. And I started to see, and REALLY understand, why people hate the Christian response to suffering.
You look a child who is suffering from child abuse and sex abuse and wants nothing but to be fed, held, and loved and tell him or her that God is good.
You look a person who is racked with pain, from head to toe, who is groaning because no amount of morphine dumped into their system will eradicate the fact that their body is rejecting life - and tell him or her that God is good.
You look at someone like me, who is fighting for breath, just trying to live life - and tell me that God is good.
And if they are anything like me, they will look at you and say: "How. How is He good. Show me. Because I really don't see it right now. What good does His goodness do if it has nothing to do with me?"
It made me realize that perhaps this is why so many in the Christian church have turned away from paying attention to social justice issues. Why, especially in "mainstream" American Christianity we only kind-of, sort-of address/acknowledge/actively engage people who are suffering in poverty, disease, abuse... It's a lot easier to claim that your God is good and righteous when a lot of your problems are driven by your own choices and mistakes, and otherwise things are going well for you. It's a lot harder to claim that God is good when you're staring into the face of a victim who truly did nothing to deserve their suffering... and if we're honest, that kind-of suffering is everywhere we look - not just third world countries removed from us.
I also know the Christian answer to that. Like I said, most of us also don't believe that we serve a God who believes that we DESERVE to suffer - but that we suffer by the fact that we live in a fallen world. And He is as actively against needless suffering as we ought to be... It's just that it's hard to hold onto the belief that He is good when you are confronted by problems that only He could fix everyday and wonder, why aren't they getting any better?
It isn't an easy question. There are no easy answers.
It's been at least three weeks where I've been angry, really angry, with God. And asking Him this same question. And you might wonder, why not just walk away?
I know I did.
Why not just walk away from believing in a God at all? Why not just say, "Look, if this is the kind of God you are, maybe I'd rather take my chances with the lot of humans who says that if you exist, then we could do a hell of a better job than you are. And maybe we would - if we'd stop hoping that you would show up and fix everything... maybe we'd actually try harder if people STOPPED believing that you were there - because then we'd realize that fixing these things really isn't going to happen if we don't."
And I thought about it... and I tried.
And the thing is, all I can honestly say is I can't. I know in my bones that He's there - even when I'm trying to reject everything about Him. And even when I couldn't claim that He was good, couldn't say that I believed it - a part of me still hoped that He was... was mad because I couldn't see the evidence of it - was angered enough to throw that down in front of Him and say, "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DON'T YOU CARE? You SAID You were good, well, SHOW ME, damnit! Because I don't see it. I don't see it at all."
And there's other times in my life that I see the goodness of God - in the beauty of His creation, in the blessings of life, but there's times looking out at the suffering that I say, it doesn't equal out. It doesn't balance.
And it doesn't. And I don't think He thinks it does either.
... But at the end of my rope, when I wanted to walk away, maybe I'm just that brainwashed... maybe I am just that far gone... I couldn't.
I kept thinking of what Peter said when Christ asked him whether he and the other disciples were going to leave after so many walked away from his really insane and confusing teaching on eating his flesh and drinking his blood (John 6:52-69) And Peter answers:
"Lord, to whom else shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."
... In case you were wondering... that is not a joyful triumphant statement... at least, it isn't for me.
Faced with the suffering of this world... faced with my own suffering... I felt like Christ asked me, "Do you want to go away as well?"
And I wanted to say, "Yes, actually, I'm pretty done with this. I'm pretty done with believing that You are good when you let us suffer, when you allow us to suffer, when you do nothing to stop things that only you in your power could stop, and yet claim that you are good. I'm ready to walk away now."
... And yet I found myself returning time and time again to saying,
"But to whom else shall I go?"
Here I am... You've got me. Hook, line, and sinker. I've jumped in... I'm not sure how to jump back out. I hope you're happy.
Maybe if you just TRIED harder, Whitney. Maybe if you would just reject Him.
He kind-of deserves it, don't you think?
I thought so... sometimes I still do.
But the fact is that when I'm in the midst of that terrifying struggle for my life and my breath - and I'm reaching out - it's not just my husband's hand that I'm looking to hold to be there with me - but it's His. And I want and need His presence in the midst of the suffering. Because He is right there in the midst of it with me - even when I'm pleading with Him "You could lift this... You COULD LIFT THIS... please... don't just suffer with me, take it away."
And He holds me there, in the fire, with Him and says, "It's okay. I promise it will be okay - not because everything will turn out perfectly fine with you in the end, but because I am here. I will not let you go... even in the darkest and most desperate of places, even there I will always be there with you. I will always bring you home."
I believe that in my soul - even when I don't believe it with any other part of me.
And I think to myself... it makes it possible to honestly look someone who is suffering and asking me, "Is God good? Is he REALLY good? Because I don't see it. I DON'T SEE IT - and I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
And for me to say, "I know. I know... let me hold you. Let me believe it for you right now."
I have no easy answer for why God allows suffering in the world. There's a lot of "good" answers - that struggling makes us stronger (and it does, I have seen it, I have experienced it), that suffering deepens our character, that suffering helps us to understand Christ's love for us, that suffering is a part of the brokenness of this world, that it isn't meant forever, that it will not be a part of eternity...
... but to be honest... when you're asking that question of whether God is good when you are suffering, none of that really matters... because what you want to know is what good does it do you if you can't see it right then... why does any of that matter if you can't believe it is true right now.
All I know is that, I have no where else to go... I have come to believe and know in my bones - in a place that I don't know how to reject it - that Christ is the Holy One. That He is Good. That I have no where else to go for the words of eternal life, resurrection, redemption, redress of all wrong and suffering in this world.
And sometimes I want with all my being to be able to walk away from that because it doesn't look like how I want it to look. It doesn't feel like how I want it to feel. Because He doesn't fix things the way I think He should. Because shit happens that I hate and believe is wrong. Because there's a lot of really fucked up things in this world that shouldn't be... and He could fix it... but He hasn't yet... and I don't know why the hell not... And perhaps even more so because believing in Him doesn't change the fact that He wants US to start making the changes that need to happen to set this world right... and it's a challenge that I don't feel at all up to par for, and a challenge that makes me look at Him and say, "THEN WHAT GOOD IS BELIEVING IN YOU ANYWAY?!"
But still... "Where else should we go?"
Is it right that in the midst of my anger and suffering, I can't let go? I can't walk away? Isn't that in and of itself disturbing, and controlling, and kind-of sadistic?
I have no good answers for that either. All I know is that is where I am... where He brought me... I have no where else to go.
And as weird as it may sound, I both hate and am glad that that is true.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to anyone. It has no good answers in it... but in case you were suffering and angry about it, I hope this comes to you as though I were slipping my hand into yours. I don't have any explanations. I don't have any answers. I only have the ability to be present and to love you... maybe even hope for you if you are where you can't, and even though it doesn't fix things, not in the slightest, it is still something we all need.
And in case I left any of you all worrying... I am getting the asthma back under control. I'm on more medication right now than I care to be, but it's not as bad as it could be... and it's at least been a couple of days since I thought "Oh my God, I am going to die."
And to be honest, today is the start of the first day since I've woken up not really angry at God... and I'm okay with that. Okay that today is the first... and okay with the fact that I was really angry... and glad for all the above.
So for the past couple of weeks I have been struggling to breathe.
And I don't mean that as some metaphor for life or as a figure of speech - I mean, waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat gasping for air. Or during the day, when I'm going about my business, suddenly feeling a tight pressure in my chest and before I know it, I'm wheezing like a 90 year old who has just had my oxygen ripped out.
It's a fairly common issue - asthma - and I've had it for several years. But this year has been, by far, the worst in my life. I think prior to this year I could have counted the times I legitimately thought that my asthma might kill me on one hand... and I probably doubled that number in this year alone. And when I say I legitimately thought my asthma might kill me... I mean - I really thought to myself, "I may not make it through this... Dear God. Hold onto me."
The thought of dying doesn't scare me much if I'm completely honest - but there is a physiological terror that goes on when you are faced with your death - especially when you feel like your lungs are going to explode and you are drowning above water. And after a couple of episodes of this I started to get really sick of going through it... and I started to get mad.
I don't think that most of us operate under the illusion that we are perfect. If we are completely honest with ourselves, I think a lot of us would recognize that the problems and issues, the struggles and pains that we encounter throughout our lives are really brought on by choices that we've made. But I think a lot of us feel like we have a basic right to start off at square one - and to not have to suffer from something that is happening to us by no choice we've made - by something we have zero power over. And I don't think that's wrong.
I don't think we serve a God who says "yes, innocent child - you DESERVE to be born into a family that will abuse you" or "yes, person who lived a healthy life, you DESERVE to have cancer and die a painful death" or "you, person who has lived a good life, you DESERVE to have your family stripped away from you in some freak accident," why? "Because life sucks. There is sin in life. You are not perfect - ergo - you deserve to suffer in whatever happens in your life."
But in the midst of fighting for breath, and the frustration of medication upon medication, visits to the ER, and despite all the best that medicine could provide me, feeling like there was this basic violation to the most basic right TO BREATHE - I began to question what kind of God we really do serve.
How do you claim that God is GOOD, when He really doesn't look like He is?
Look - I KNOW the Christian answer to that one - that God is good all the time. That he works ALL things out for good - whether we understand it or not. That He is faithful. That He is just. That we can see that He is good by His past, His present, the future. We can bank on it because it IS who He is.
But what I wanted to know was, could I honestly say that... could I HONESTLY say that - when I was staring into a face - my face - of someone haggard, and worn out, and sick of undergoing a suffering that was brought on by no choice of my own.
And I know - that in the grand scheme of things - struggling with asthma is not as comparable to suffering abuse, or having your entire body begin to rebel in cancer or some horrible disease, or having your entire family stripped away - but it's a suffering that I had no control over. That nothing I did, nothing I chose would change... and I for God's sake, all I wanted was to fucking breathe.
And for weeks, looking at that question - I COULDN'T actually say "Yes. God is Good. And yes... I believe that with all my being." Because I was painfully aware of the fact that no matter how much I cried out to him - even in the throes of terror that I was going to choke to death before we could get to the hospital, in front of my husband who was awakened several nights in a row by my attacks, when I was so worn out I was thinking to myself "I can't take much more of this. I am so frickin' tired right now. Please, can't we just end this if you aren't even going to let me breathe?" And there was no relief to the suffering - no uplifting of the pain. If anything, things got worse and I started to think "Holy shit. Is this my life for now on? Is this what you will leave me in? ... And I'm supposed to believe that you are GOOD?"
Suffering has a way of making you aware of other people's suffering, if not individually, then at least theoretically. And I started to see, and REALLY understand, why people hate the Christian response to suffering.
You look a child who is suffering from child abuse and sex abuse and wants nothing but to be fed, held, and loved and tell him or her that God is good.
You look a person who is racked with pain, from head to toe, who is groaning because no amount of morphine dumped into their system will eradicate the fact that their body is rejecting life - and tell him or her that God is good.
You look at someone like me, who is fighting for breath, just trying to live life - and tell me that God is good.
And if they are anything like me, they will look at you and say: "How. How is He good. Show me. Because I really don't see it right now. What good does His goodness do if it has nothing to do with me?"
It made me realize that perhaps this is why so many in the Christian church have turned away from paying attention to social justice issues. Why, especially in "mainstream" American Christianity we only kind-of, sort-of address/acknowledge/actively engage people who are suffering in poverty, disease, abuse... It's a lot easier to claim that your God is good and righteous when a lot of your problems are driven by your own choices and mistakes, and otherwise things are going well for you. It's a lot harder to claim that God is good when you're staring into the face of a victim who truly did nothing to deserve their suffering... and if we're honest, that kind-of suffering is everywhere we look - not just third world countries removed from us.
I also know the Christian answer to that. Like I said, most of us also don't believe that we serve a God who believes that we DESERVE to suffer - but that we suffer by the fact that we live in a fallen world. And He is as actively against needless suffering as we ought to be... It's just that it's hard to hold onto the belief that He is good when you are confronted by problems that only He could fix everyday and wonder, why aren't they getting any better?
It isn't an easy question. There are no easy answers.
It's been at least three weeks where I've been angry, really angry, with God. And asking Him this same question. And you might wonder, why not just walk away?
I know I did.
Why not just walk away from believing in a God at all? Why not just say, "Look, if this is the kind of God you are, maybe I'd rather take my chances with the lot of humans who says that if you exist, then we could do a hell of a better job than you are. And maybe we would - if we'd stop hoping that you would show up and fix everything... maybe we'd actually try harder if people STOPPED believing that you were there - because then we'd realize that fixing these things really isn't going to happen if we don't."
And I thought about it... and I tried.
And the thing is, all I can honestly say is I can't. I know in my bones that He's there - even when I'm trying to reject everything about Him. And even when I couldn't claim that He was good, couldn't say that I believed it - a part of me still hoped that He was... was mad because I couldn't see the evidence of it - was angered enough to throw that down in front of Him and say, "WHERE ARE YOU? WHY DON'T YOU CARE? You SAID You were good, well, SHOW ME, damnit! Because I don't see it. I don't see it at all."
And there's other times in my life that I see the goodness of God - in the beauty of His creation, in the blessings of life, but there's times looking out at the suffering that I say, it doesn't equal out. It doesn't balance.
And it doesn't. And I don't think He thinks it does either.
... But at the end of my rope, when I wanted to walk away, maybe I'm just that brainwashed... maybe I am just that far gone... I couldn't.
I kept thinking of what Peter said when Christ asked him whether he and the other disciples were going to leave after so many walked away from his really insane and confusing teaching on eating his flesh and drinking his blood (John 6:52-69) And Peter answers:
"Lord, to whom else shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."
... In case you were wondering... that is not a joyful triumphant statement... at least, it isn't for me.
Faced with the suffering of this world... faced with my own suffering... I felt like Christ asked me, "Do you want to go away as well?"
And I wanted to say, "Yes, actually, I'm pretty done with this. I'm pretty done with believing that You are good when you let us suffer, when you allow us to suffer, when you do nothing to stop things that only you in your power could stop, and yet claim that you are good. I'm ready to walk away now."
... And yet I found myself returning time and time again to saying,
"But to whom else shall I go?"
Here I am... You've got me. Hook, line, and sinker. I've jumped in... I'm not sure how to jump back out. I hope you're happy.
Maybe if you just TRIED harder, Whitney. Maybe if you would just reject Him.
He kind-of deserves it, don't you think?
I thought so... sometimes I still do.
But the fact is that when I'm in the midst of that terrifying struggle for my life and my breath - and I'm reaching out - it's not just my husband's hand that I'm looking to hold to be there with me - but it's His. And I want and need His presence in the midst of the suffering. Because He is right there in the midst of it with me - even when I'm pleading with Him "You could lift this... You COULD LIFT THIS... please... don't just suffer with me, take it away."
And He holds me there, in the fire, with Him and says, "It's okay. I promise it will be okay - not because everything will turn out perfectly fine with you in the end, but because I am here. I will not let you go... even in the darkest and most desperate of places, even there I will always be there with you. I will always bring you home."
I believe that in my soul - even when I don't believe it with any other part of me.
And I think to myself... it makes it possible to honestly look someone who is suffering and asking me, "Is God good? Is he REALLY good? Because I don't see it. I DON'T SEE IT - and I DON'T BELIEVE IT."
And for me to say, "I know. I know... let me hold you. Let me believe it for you right now."
I have no easy answer for why God allows suffering in the world. There's a lot of "good" answers - that struggling makes us stronger (and it does, I have seen it, I have experienced it), that suffering deepens our character, that suffering helps us to understand Christ's love for us, that suffering is a part of the brokenness of this world, that it isn't meant forever, that it will not be a part of eternity...
... but to be honest... when you're asking that question of whether God is good when you are suffering, none of that really matters... because what you want to know is what good does it do you if you can't see it right then... why does any of that matter if you can't believe it is true right now.
All I know is that, I have no where else to go... I have come to believe and know in my bones - in a place that I don't know how to reject it - that Christ is the Holy One. That He is Good. That I have no where else to go for the words of eternal life, resurrection, redemption, redress of all wrong and suffering in this world.
And sometimes I want with all my being to be able to walk away from that because it doesn't look like how I want it to look. It doesn't feel like how I want it to feel. Because He doesn't fix things the way I think He should. Because shit happens that I hate and believe is wrong. Because there's a lot of really fucked up things in this world that shouldn't be... and He could fix it... but He hasn't yet... and I don't know why the hell not... And perhaps even more so because believing in Him doesn't change the fact that He wants US to start making the changes that need to happen to set this world right... and it's a challenge that I don't feel at all up to par for, and a challenge that makes me look at Him and say, "THEN WHAT GOOD IS BELIEVING IN YOU ANYWAY?!"
But still... "Where else should we go?"
Is it right that in the midst of my anger and suffering, I can't let go? I can't walk away? Isn't that in and of itself disturbing, and controlling, and kind-of sadistic?
I have no good answers for that either. All I know is that is where I am... where He brought me... I have no where else to go.
And as weird as it may sound, I both hate and am glad that that is true.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this to anyone. It has no good answers in it... but in case you were suffering and angry about it, I hope this comes to you as though I were slipping my hand into yours. I don't have any explanations. I don't have any answers. I only have the ability to be present and to love you... maybe even hope for you if you are where you can't, and even though it doesn't fix things, not in the slightest, it is still something we all need.
And in case I left any of you all worrying... I am getting the asthma back under control. I'm on more medication right now than I care to be, but it's not as bad as it could be... and it's at least been a couple of days since I thought "Oh my God, I am going to die."
And to be honest, today is the start of the first day since I've woken up not really angry at God... and I'm okay with that. Okay that today is the first... and okay with the fact that I was really angry... and glad for all the above.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Oct 13 - Nov 7: Catching up...
November 7, 2014
I haven't posted for awhile... I was doing my devotions this morning and just felt led that instead of writing something new, to share what has been going on the past month or so... So we'll see how far I get before I need to actually go get other stuff done ;)
.............................................................
Monday Oct. 13, 2014
Not sure where to begin today. The past weekend has been such a whirlwind of activity that today's quiet and rest has come a little bit as a shock. Although I typically don't like working nights since it takes time from being with Jason, I am thankful for the rest of today.
Feels like a small victory has been won with my success at the pottery show this weekend. Head is full of new dreams and ideas and I am eager to start my own little business of whimsy and wonder. Just not sure on the timing and place just yet.
Today's lesson is on servanthood and I feel I am too scattered and too deficient to think of serving at Your side in Your kingdom. Jason and I have missed two Sundays between Grandpa's funeral and the show and Jason will be missing of all of October from Gravitate and me most of it. I feel I have been less focused on being and more focused on doing - but suddenly excited about new possibilities and new futures. I could be very happy owning our own little shop of whimsy!!
So I feel my brain is not at all on Your kingdom or the good of the people who truly make it up. Today's opening prayer seems very appropros then...
"Our God, Sovereign Lord and master of all creation, in this hour let us hear again your call, always inviting us to serve by your side in your kingdom work. Equip us, Lord to serve you well, in the spirit and power of Christ. Amen."
And today's reading in the gospel: John 13:1-11 about Christ washing Peter's feet also encourages me to sit back. Settle in. Be filled. And trust You to move in and through me to accomplish Your will.
My feet are heavy Father - caked with the concern and worries of world - chief of which my worries that I cannot (and will not) get all of this right. That I will screw something up irrevocably and regret it all my life... in the very least - for awhile.
"Thus, the most practical wisdom any of us can grow, and the perennial reason for religion, is the strength to love life in the face of death, to respond 'amen' to our history." - John Carmody, How to Make it Through the Day
"Lord, not just my feet - but my hands and my head!"
"The one who has bathed does not need to wash except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean."
Wash my feet Lord of my worries and fears driven by my inability to control all things, my inability to see all things my inability to be all things... My inability to be You.
Help me to surrender that burden over to You who can see all things, can do all things, can fix all things, and works out all things to good - even if I do notunderstand how.
Forgive me Father of my doubts and fears and distrations and wash me clean. Help me to trust that You will handle it all. Equip me and show me Lord how I might best serve You and Your kingdom to Your glory. Amen.
...............................................
October 15, 2014
Woke up this morning with nowhere specific I needed to be at a certain time and nothing very pressing I needed to do... And it felt marvelous. Soaking in some of the quiet before the urgent "Go, Go, Go" voice starts again.
................................................
October 23, 2014
Been having a hard time lately. Head is full of many dark things. Could be because we are considering a night in discussion on the sex slave trade at Gravitate and I have always had a particularly hard time with that topic... not because it deeply disturbs me - though it does - but because I also have a morbid curiosity that disturbs me more. Why do men do what they do? What are they thinking when they are confronted with a room of broken, tired, crying girls - are they completely untouched? Do the girls fight - and if they do - does that just anger the men? Is it better if they don't fight? And if they don't - then is the pay off for not fighting worth it?
Maybe they threaten hurt or harm to the other girls you are close to if you are a fighter.
That would probably do me in if I were a fighter... I guess I just have a hard time imagining a world where that is your life and there is no escape... But I feel lie many of these girls come from lives/cultures where they are almost raised to expect there will never be an escape from that kind-of abuse.
I feel like today's readings are tailored to my fears and my thoughts. Not to direct me away from them - which is probably more my hope - but to approach them from another angle.
Psalm 139 reminds me that in my deepest fears and darkness - my wonderings that are linked to my worries: what if it were me in that place - that even there You are with me. That nothing could separate me from You - and that in that darkness I could ask of You to provide me Your Word and Your presence so that I could be light and hope even in a place as dark and hopeless as that.
The reading about silence reminds me that in my consuming chatter about all of this that I need to be still and quiet before You - to meditate on You - to consume my thoughts with You if I hope to escape the darkness of my own brain.
Acts 9:10-18 urges me to go even where I am afraid. To be like Ananias - a willing servant even if it feels like I'm walking into a trap - to set the captive free - to remove the sales off of people's eyes - to bring them to restoration even if their stories seem to be impossible stores of redemption.
Father - I do know not what You would have me do - or where You would have me go - but I want to be a willing vessel. Help my heart to be open and receptive. To go where You ask me to go. To be filled with You to overflowing where ever I am - and to be broken and spilled out if that is what You ask. None of us is truly broken - Christ was already broken for us - and though everything about us may break - physically, emotionally, mentally - there is a part of us that no man - no demon - no ruler of power or authority can break in us... If God is for us, who could stand against us? You have hidden me away inside of You and to You I may always fly. In this world you will have trouble - but take heart - I have overcome the world.
Let me be still before You Lord. Help me to be still before You and be filled to overflowing with Your presence. Amen.
.....................................
November 3, 2014
I come to Your Word hungry today. It feels like my life has been full of many things and I have not been wanting to come to You - but feel that I am starving for some light - some hope - some life - some good.
I do not feel like a decent follower Father - a decent person - but a poor excuse for one. Running from one side of my life to the other like a hamster in a cage and I am frustrated with You but feel too... incapable? too... empty handed to really pursue change.
What do I need?
What do I want?
I don't think I can honestly answer those questions but I find they always drive me back here. Back to You. Looking for the answers.
I feel that would be a good thing were the answers easily there...
But first the clamor of so many more unanswered questions must fall silent and be put to rest before I hear You clearly at all... and then dimly - as one sees through a veiled mirror.
Why can't things be clearer?
Simpler?
Less murky?
I feel You leave too many holes for us to figure out - too many inefficiencies and cracks where all my doubts and insecurities come flooding through and drown out all that You are trying to establish and build in my life.
It's like the foundation is there - I need only to believe in it - but it wavers in time with my inconsistencies and is no foundation at all.
Give me faith that of a mustard seed that I might believe at all!
Give me life that I might truly live!
Freedom that I might truly breathe.
Fill me up Father - leave me not destitute and empty and desperate.
Have pity upon me grasping onto anything that seems to give my life form - even if it is shapeless and meaningless - and love me anyways.
I am here this morning because I have no where else to go - and I do not know where You will take me... only that I am looking for something to follow.
You promise life. You promise new beginnings. You promise good. You promise so many things that I am not sure I believe in - but I am hoping in because I am looking for something Father. Something to believe in to help me put one foot in front of the other. To exist without dying only... to be able to have life...
I need more than what I have now and I do not even know what I need.
But help me Father - if You can - if You will - if You are there - Help me Father to find it. Perhaps in You? But Somewhere.
Amen.
I haven't posted for awhile... I was doing my devotions this morning and just felt led that instead of writing something new, to share what has been going on the past month or so... So we'll see how far I get before I need to actually go get other stuff done ;)
.............................................................
Monday Oct. 13, 2014
Not sure where to begin today. The past weekend has been such a whirlwind of activity that today's quiet and rest has come a little bit as a shock. Although I typically don't like working nights since it takes time from being with Jason, I am thankful for the rest of today.
Feels like a small victory has been won with my success at the pottery show this weekend. Head is full of new dreams and ideas and I am eager to start my own little business of whimsy and wonder. Just not sure on the timing and place just yet.
Today's lesson is on servanthood and I feel I am too scattered and too deficient to think of serving at Your side in Your kingdom. Jason and I have missed two Sundays between Grandpa's funeral and the show and Jason will be missing of all of October from Gravitate and me most of it. I feel I have been less focused on being and more focused on doing - but suddenly excited about new possibilities and new futures. I could be very happy owning our own little shop of whimsy!!
So I feel my brain is not at all on Your kingdom or the good of the people who truly make it up. Today's opening prayer seems very appropros then...
"Our God, Sovereign Lord and master of all creation, in this hour let us hear again your call, always inviting us to serve by your side in your kingdom work. Equip us, Lord to serve you well, in the spirit and power of Christ. Amen."
And today's reading in the gospel: John 13:1-11 about Christ washing Peter's feet also encourages me to sit back. Settle in. Be filled. And trust You to move in and through me to accomplish Your will.
My feet are heavy Father - caked with the concern and worries of world - chief of which my worries that I cannot (and will not) get all of this right. That I will screw something up irrevocably and regret it all my life... in the very least - for awhile.
"Thus, the most practical wisdom any of us can grow, and the perennial reason for religion, is the strength to love life in the face of death, to respond 'amen' to our history." - John Carmody, How to Make it Through the Day
"Lord, not just my feet - but my hands and my head!"
"The one who has bathed does not need to wash except for his feet, but is completely clean. And you are clean."
Wash my feet Lord of my worries and fears driven by my inability to control all things, my inability to see all things my inability to be all things... My inability to be You.
Help me to surrender that burden over to You who can see all things, can do all things, can fix all things, and works out all things to good - even if I do notunderstand how.
Forgive me Father of my doubts and fears and distrations and wash me clean. Help me to trust that You will handle it all. Equip me and show me Lord how I might best serve You and Your kingdom to Your glory. Amen.
...............................................
October 15, 2014
Woke up this morning with nowhere specific I needed to be at a certain time and nothing very pressing I needed to do... And it felt marvelous. Soaking in some of the quiet before the urgent "Go, Go, Go" voice starts again.
................................................
October 23, 2014
Been having a hard time lately. Head is full of many dark things. Could be because we are considering a night in discussion on the sex slave trade at Gravitate and I have always had a particularly hard time with that topic... not because it deeply disturbs me - though it does - but because I also have a morbid curiosity that disturbs me more. Why do men do what they do? What are they thinking when they are confronted with a room of broken, tired, crying girls - are they completely untouched? Do the girls fight - and if they do - does that just anger the men? Is it better if they don't fight? And if they don't - then is the pay off for not fighting worth it?
Maybe they threaten hurt or harm to the other girls you are close to if you are a fighter.
That would probably do me in if I were a fighter... I guess I just have a hard time imagining a world where that is your life and there is no escape... But I feel lie many of these girls come from lives/cultures where they are almost raised to expect there will never be an escape from that kind-of abuse.
I feel like today's readings are tailored to my fears and my thoughts. Not to direct me away from them - which is probably more my hope - but to approach them from another angle.
Psalm 139 reminds me that in my deepest fears and darkness - my wonderings that are linked to my worries: what if it were me in that place - that even there You are with me. That nothing could separate me from You - and that in that darkness I could ask of You to provide me Your Word and Your presence so that I could be light and hope even in a place as dark and hopeless as that.
The reading about silence reminds me that in my consuming chatter about all of this that I need to be still and quiet before You - to meditate on You - to consume my thoughts with You if I hope to escape the darkness of my own brain.
Acts 9:10-18 urges me to go even where I am afraid. To be like Ananias - a willing servant even if it feels like I'm walking into a trap - to set the captive free - to remove the sales off of people's eyes - to bring them to restoration even if their stories seem to be impossible stores of redemption.
Father - I do know not what You would have me do - or where You would have me go - but I want to be a willing vessel. Help my heart to be open and receptive. To go where You ask me to go. To be filled with You to overflowing where ever I am - and to be broken and spilled out if that is what You ask. None of us is truly broken - Christ was already broken for us - and though everything about us may break - physically, emotionally, mentally - there is a part of us that no man - no demon - no ruler of power or authority can break in us... If God is for us, who could stand against us? You have hidden me away inside of You and to You I may always fly. In this world you will have trouble - but take heart - I have overcome the world.
Let me be still before You Lord. Help me to be still before You and be filled to overflowing with Your presence. Amen.
.....................................
November 3, 2014
I come to Your Word hungry today. It feels like my life has been full of many things and I have not been wanting to come to You - but feel that I am starving for some light - some hope - some life - some good.
I do not feel like a decent follower Father - a decent person - but a poor excuse for one. Running from one side of my life to the other like a hamster in a cage and I am frustrated with You but feel too... incapable? too... empty handed to really pursue change.
What do I need?
What do I want?
I don't think I can honestly answer those questions but I find they always drive me back here. Back to You. Looking for the answers.
I feel that would be a good thing were the answers easily there...
But first the clamor of so many more unanswered questions must fall silent and be put to rest before I hear You clearly at all... and then dimly - as one sees through a veiled mirror.
Why can't things be clearer?
Simpler?
Less murky?
I feel You leave too many holes for us to figure out - too many inefficiencies and cracks where all my doubts and insecurities come flooding through and drown out all that You are trying to establish and build in my life.
It's like the foundation is there - I need only to believe in it - but it wavers in time with my inconsistencies and is no foundation at all.
Give me faith that of a mustard seed that I might believe at all!
Give me life that I might truly live!
Freedom that I might truly breathe.
Fill me up Father - leave me not destitute and empty and desperate.
Have pity upon me grasping onto anything that seems to give my life form - even if it is shapeless and meaningless - and love me anyways.
I am here this morning because I have no where else to go - and I do not know where You will take me... only that I am looking for something to follow.
You promise life. You promise new beginnings. You promise good. You promise so many things that I am not sure I believe in - but I am hoping in because I am looking for something Father. Something to believe in to help me put one foot in front of the other. To exist without dying only... to be able to have life...
I need more than what I have now and I do not even know what I need.
But help me Father - if You can - if You will - if You are there - Help me Father to find it. Perhaps in You? But Somewhere.
Amen.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sept. 29/30: Keeping Vigil
September 29, 2014
I'm in that strange in between place again.
Trying to decide whether I am keeping vigil or running from responsibility.
Right now it is hard to settle down when my brain is doing the slow English country dance... thoughts gently swirling - touching hands briefly, before whirling off on new patterns - glints of this one thought or bright idea catching the light dimly here and there.
I keep thinking there's so much that needs to be done - but I am not moving to do it... and the regret is mainly that it is not doing itself... not that I am not getting it done.
Keep thinking about my grandfather - fading in and out like the light on a lighthouse across dark waters - and hoping that he would find his way home out across the dark expanse of the unknown... beyond the reach of our dim excuse for a shore.
I have this vision of the end of the world gently falling up into the great expanse of the sky.
I can't tell if I'm staying up because I am waiting to see him off...
... or because I am trying to hold onto this day - staving off the busy day of tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that... each day is planned very full...
and deep inside of me I can hear the yearning for rest.
I am happy to send him off - ecstatic...
... almost... envious.
Mainly because I know he is weary - I can feel the weariness in his bones... I have the weariness in mine, but not so well aged.
I have a long, long road yet ahead of me. Many years to add to my current ones... many memories yet to build... many pains yet to soldier through... I have not yet become all my grandfather's grand-daughter will be...
I am still looking forward to that...
... but he is looking forward to home.
And even I, with so much yet to live, can feel the echoing home-sickness that resounds inside of me.
I imagine my hand slipped into his - wrinkled and spotted and still so firm and so strong throughout all the years - and we rest there. We were never ones much for words between us. I discovered somehow at an early age that wonderful gift that some people never learn - the gift of being present... it is a precious gem I hold onto tightly and deeply in my treasure box... bringing it out often to share with someone else who also admires its complexity and beauty and comfort.
I need the present of being right now.
He is about to go on the wondrous journey - and I am the one to be left home-sick on this foreign shore.
There's no use in asking, "Can't I go with you?" Because I know it isn't yet my turn...
... but my heart is asking it anyway.
Stay with me a little longer... Stay up with me just a bit longer... till I can see you home.
I hate that the tears I am shedding are for myself...
That I'm holding you back from your journey because I cannot go.
... Because "Who will I hug when you are gone?"
And there are many, many more hugs I have yet to give and receive and discover...
... but none like yours...
and so few who know this perfect, complete gift of just being.
Being without words... the gift of presence.
Lo... I am with you always... even unto the ends of the earth.
A promise made not just from an Almighty God - but a promise we inherit as His coheirs... his brothers and sisters... as one another.
And already I know and can feel the presence of those who have gone ahead of you - up the edge of that wondrous cliff onto new adventures, into vast expanses, that I cannot fathom or imagine - just a veil of difference that separates my world from theirs - from yours.
I can feel them reaching out and laying hands upon me - wrapping me up and smiling at me - blue eyes and clouded eyes and bright inquisitive black-brown ones - that urge me, encourage me - stand and wave: Daughter... Give him a proper send-off - just as you did with us - and as soon as you do you will find him right here... right there - nestled even closer than ever before.
The Presence of Being right there... right. there. in your heart.
We are never far.
Let me come with you!
Let me cross over, too!
And I know it is the foolishness of my youth.
There is still so much joy and sorrow I have yet to discover - so much life to live as you all have lived.
Wait to hold that little one's hand... Wait to watch their first step... Wait to breathe your book into being... to laugh with your husband... to help him learn and help teach your children this gift of being... wait to accomplish all you have ahead of you... the many days and months and years that not even we know the number of... wait till it is your time.
... and when it is time - we will be there - hands outstretched - to welcome you home.
Wait for us. We will always be waiting for you - with that ever present Now.
Here... now I can sleep.
Let me unpack this beautiful gem in its seedling state right now - to examine its beauty in its infancy...
while it is still so small that I can grasp it...
While it is still so contained that I can hold it in my heart.
Let me hold it close to me - like the gentle fluttering of your heart - so that I can hear its whispers and feel its beats warm and close before I set it free to then envelop me.
I am not yet ready - one moment more... just one moment more...
....
A kiss...
and Ah.
It is set Free.
I'm in that strange in between place again.
Trying to decide whether I am keeping vigil or running from responsibility.
Right now it is hard to settle down when my brain is doing the slow English country dance... thoughts gently swirling - touching hands briefly, before whirling off on new patterns - glints of this one thought or bright idea catching the light dimly here and there.
I keep thinking there's so much that needs to be done - but I am not moving to do it... and the regret is mainly that it is not doing itself... not that I am not getting it done.
Keep thinking about my grandfather - fading in and out like the light on a lighthouse across dark waters - and hoping that he would find his way home out across the dark expanse of the unknown... beyond the reach of our dim excuse for a shore.
I have this vision of the end of the world gently falling up into the great expanse of the sky.
I can't tell if I'm staying up because I am waiting to see him off...
... or because I am trying to hold onto this day - staving off the busy day of tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that... each day is planned very full...
and deep inside of me I can hear the yearning for rest.
I am happy to send him off - ecstatic...
... almost... envious.
Mainly because I know he is weary - I can feel the weariness in his bones... I have the weariness in mine, but not so well aged.
I have a long, long road yet ahead of me. Many years to add to my current ones... many memories yet to build... many pains yet to soldier through... I have not yet become all my grandfather's grand-daughter will be...
I am still looking forward to that...
... but he is looking forward to home.
And even I, with so much yet to live, can feel the echoing home-sickness that resounds inside of me.
I imagine my hand slipped into his - wrinkled and spotted and still so firm and so strong throughout all the years - and we rest there. We were never ones much for words between us. I discovered somehow at an early age that wonderful gift that some people never learn - the gift of being present... it is a precious gem I hold onto tightly and deeply in my treasure box... bringing it out often to share with someone else who also admires its complexity and beauty and comfort.
I need the present of being right now.
He is about to go on the wondrous journey - and I am the one to be left home-sick on this foreign shore.
There's no use in asking, "Can't I go with you?" Because I know it isn't yet my turn...
... but my heart is asking it anyway.
Stay with me a little longer... Stay up with me just a bit longer... till I can see you home.
I hate that the tears I am shedding are for myself...
That I'm holding you back from your journey because I cannot go.
... Because "Who will I hug when you are gone?"
And there are many, many more hugs I have yet to give and receive and discover...
... but none like yours...
and so few who know this perfect, complete gift of just being.
Being without words... the gift of presence.
Lo... I am with you always... even unto the ends of the earth.
A promise made not just from an Almighty God - but a promise we inherit as His coheirs... his brothers and sisters... as one another.
And already I know and can feel the presence of those who have gone ahead of you - up the edge of that wondrous cliff onto new adventures, into vast expanses, that I cannot fathom or imagine - just a veil of difference that separates my world from theirs - from yours.
I can feel them reaching out and laying hands upon me - wrapping me up and smiling at me - blue eyes and clouded eyes and bright inquisitive black-brown ones - that urge me, encourage me - stand and wave: Daughter... Give him a proper send-off - just as you did with us - and as soon as you do you will find him right here... right there - nestled even closer than ever before.
The Presence of Being right there... right. there. in your heart.
We are never far.
Let me come with you!
Let me cross over, too!
And I know it is the foolishness of my youth.
There is still so much joy and sorrow I have yet to discover - so much life to live as you all have lived.
Wait to hold that little one's hand... Wait to watch their first step... Wait to breathe your book into being... to laugh with your husband... to help him learn and help teach your children this gift of being... wait to accomplish all you have ahead of you... the many days and months and years that not even we know the number of... wait till it is your time.
... and when it is time - we will be there - hands outstretched - to welcome you home.
Wait for us. We will always be waiting for you - with that ever present Now.
Here... now I can sleep.
Let me unpack this beautiful gem in its seedling state right now - to examine its beauty in its infancy...
while it is still so small that I can grasp it...
While it is still so contained that I can hold it in my heart.
Let me hold it close to me - like the gentle fluttering of your heart - so that I can hear its whispers and feel its beats warm and close before I set it free to then envelop me.
I am not yet ready - one moment more... just one moment more...
....
A kiss...
and Ah.
It is set Free.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
September 16: Psalm 3:3
September 16, 2014
I feel tired waking up today Lord.
Brain feels full of a lot of things. A lot of awful things. A lot of tired things. I look at this world - full of austere beauty today - and think of the darkness that hides in our lives. The brokenness - the destitute poverty of our souls. We must all of us look like barren deserts spiritually to You. At least, I feel that way today.
I have time - so much time it feels like - today - but not enough to make a difference.
Start small. Listen carefully. Be open - I hear You say. There is hope yet in the world because my church is still in it. My body is still present. However weak and dim and insignificant a light you feel - all light matters in this world. Even a little bit goes a long way.
1 Cor. 4: 8-13, Ps. 3
I feel beset upon at all sides Lord. The pressures that my life doesn't look enough - doesn't manifest enough - a life in submission to You. My fear that I don't want it to be. I do not want to be destitute in the world. I do not want to be broken and poured out. I see the need of the world Father - But I do not want to be dashed upon it - spilt out for its thirst.
I do not feel like "more than a conqueror" - I feel shut up and afraid of the enormity of the darkness of this world. I feel like holing up. I feel like hiding away.
Psalm 3:3
But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Even I sometimes say of myself - there is no salvation for my soul in God
...but salvation belongs to You.
And You sustain me.
To what purpose, Father?! I cry out. Why sustain me? I find strength to get up and continue my life - yet feel I barely manage the small tasks of going shopping - making a home - teaching a swing class.
That is my work today - and yet I drag my feet this morning. I look out at the ocean of humanity and humanity's need and I feel I am a drop. My life smaller than a drop. Smaller than a ripple amongst mighty waves. And I do not know what to do - or how to do more.
The Lord is my salvation -
The lifter of my head -
I cry out and He answers me from his holy hill.
Move forward my child - step by step - move forward on the water. It feels an impossibility today to do the small - and it is - But keep your eyes on me - look full on my wonderful face - and move forward step by step out onto the water. You will do the impossible - You will inspire the faith of others by walking in faith with me. They will see you out on the water and they will join us - and you aren't to worry about them or what difference you make - whether you are a ripple - or a part of a wave - or a wave - your only responsibility is to walk with me. And step by step - we will do the impossible. Don't be afraid. Look to me - the Author and Finisher - The Alpha and Omega - the One who turned the world on its head - who brought life back from the dead - who brought light into darkness - who triumphed in defeat - who conquered death by dying - I am a God of impossible contradictions - improbable paradoxes - and I can save the world while it destroys itself utterly. I can make new what was broken. I can restore the years the locusts have eaten. Look forward - look ahead - look to me - and put one foot in front of the other. I keep my promises - and my promise to you is that in me - your life has meaning. No matter what you do - it carries light. No matter how small and unimportant you feel - to me - you are part of all that I have planned - and I am using you - tiny cog - to turn the cogs of things beyond your imagining in my kingdom - though you may not see it. One foot before the other. One day at a time. Look to me my love - we can do this one step at a time. We can change the world.
I do not know yet if I believe it in my heart of hearts to be true. But the reading today said:
"It is not that conduct is the end of life and worship helps it - but that worship is the end of life and conduct tests it." (William Temple)
Father - test my faith in my life. Refine it and make my worship wholly thine.
Solidify the worship in my life Lord.
I will slip my hand into yours today and begin the small steps of faith that will lead me to beyond where I can stand alone - because I cannot even get out of this shell - out from hidden inside of myself - out of curling into a ball and waiting for me and my life and the world to waste away - I cannot move from here without you my Lord.
But if with You I can move from here - then where else might You take me? Where else might we go? What other impossibilities in my life might You overcome if I am with You?
So here. Call me. I will come. Frightened - even terrified - I will come to You. Do not let me go - hold my eyes - Fill them Father with Your glory - and do. not. let. me. go. You are a shield about me. My salvation. The lifter of my head.
Amen.
I feel tired waking up today Lord.
Brain feels full of a lot of things. A lot of awful things. A lot of tired things. I look at this world - full of austere beauty today - and think of the darkness that hides in our lives. The brokenness - the destitute poverty of our souls. We must all of us look like barren deserts spiritually to You. At least, I feel that way today.
I have time - so much time it feels like - today - but not enough to make a difference.
Start small. Listen carefully. Be open - I hear You say. There is hope yet in the world because my church is still in it. My body is still present. However weak and dim and insignificant a light you feel - all light matters in this world. Even a little bit goes a long way.
1 Cor. 4: 8-13, Ps. 3
I feel beset upon at all sides Lord. The pressures that my life doesn't look enough - doesn't manifest enough - a life in submission to You. My fear that I don't want it to be. I do not want to be destitute in the world. I do not want to be broken and poured out. I see the need of the world Father - But I do not want to be dashed upon it - spilt out for its thirst.
I do not feel like "more than a conqueror" - I feel shut up and afraid of the enormity of the darkness of this world. I feel like holing up. I feel like hiding away.
Psalm 3:3
But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Even I sometimes say of myself - there is no salvation for my soul in God
...but salvation belongs to You.
And You sustain me.
To what purpose, Father?! I cry out. Why sustain me? I find strength to get up and continue my life - yet feel I barely manage the small tasks of going shopping - making a home - teaching a swing class.
That is my work today - and yet I drag my feet this morning. I look out at the ocean of humanity and humanity's need and I feel I am a drop. My life smaller than a drop. Smaller than a ripple amongst mighty waves. And I do not know what to do - or how to do more.
The Lord is my salvation -
The lifter of my head -
I cry out and He answers me from his holy hill.
Move forward my child - step by step - move forward on the water. It feels an impossibility today to do the small - and it is - But keep your eyes on me - look full on my wonderful face - and move forward step by step out onto the water. You will do the impossible - You will inspire the faith of others by walking in faith with me. They will see you out on the water and they will join us - and you aren't to worry about them or what difference you make - whether you are a ripple - or a part of a wave - or a wave - your only responsibility is to walk with me. And step by step - we will do the impossible. Don't be afraid. Look to me - the Author and Finisher - The Alpha and Omega - the One who turned the world on its head - who brought life back from the dead - who brought light into darkness - who triumphed in defeat - who conquered death by dying - I am a God of impossible contradictions - improbable paradoxes - and I can save the world while it destroys itself utterly. I can make new what was broken. I can restore the years the locusts have eaten. Look forward - look ahead - look to me - and put one foot in front of the other. I keep my promises - and my promise to you is that in me - your life has meaning. No matter what you do - it carries light. No matter how small and unimportant you feel - to me - you are part of all that I have planned - and I am using you - tiny cog - to turn the cogs of things beyond your imagining in my kingdom - though you may not see it. One foot before the other. One day at a time. Look to me my love - we can do this one step at a time. We can change the world.
I do not know yet if I believe it in my heart of hearts to be true. But the reading today said:
"It is not that conduct is the end of life and worship helps it - but that worship is the end of life and conduct tests it." (William Temple)
Father - test my faith in my life. Refine it and make my worship wholly thine.
Solidify the worship in my life Lord.
I will slip my hand into yours today and begin the small steps of faith that will lead me to beyond where I can stand alone - because I cannot even get out of this shell - out from hidden inside of myself - out of curling into a ball and waiting for me and my life and the world to waste away - I cannot move from here without you my Lord.
But if with You I can move from here - then where else might You take me? Where else might we go? What other impossibilities in my life might You overcome if I am with You?
So here. Call me. I will come. Frightened - even terrified - I will come to You. Do not let me go - hold my eyes - Fill them Father with Your glory - and do. not. let. me. go. You are a shield about me. My salvation. The lifter of my head.
Amen.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Sept 3: In Which I Confess I am Afraid
September 3, 2014
I have a confession to make...
And since this whole blog is called "Daily Confessions of a Christian Woman" - I guess I figured this was as good place as any to confess...
... Or maybe this is my way of fighting back.
My confession is this: I am mortally afraid of failing.
In fact, this might be my biggest fear ever.
At least... it is the fear that I feel I have to face most often and most definitely - the fear that defeats me the most.
It keeps me from a lot of things (like writing) pretty much everyday - because I am mortally afraid that I will fail at writing... because I have no idea what I am going to write... because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life other than write... and I am mortally afraid of failing (most of all) at my life.
There's a lot of other convenient excuses that go along with that (not writing - that is) - the main one being "but I never have time" - because a lot of times the moments when I have the ideas of things to write - it's when I can make convenient excuses like: but what will I write on? (Trust me - I have tried notebooks and minibooks and all sorts of journals and small notepads and any number of paper and pen combinations and they all fail) or - "but I'm in the middle of something else."
Or, as was the case tonight, I should (or have) already climbed into bed - and really - sleep is "necessary" isn't it? For basic life-functioning... like getting up and being productive at a job that actually makes you money.
What really drove me from that cozy spot tonight was the thought that I guess a lot of artists learn to sacrifice sleep to their art...
... or else I'm not quite sure how they do it...
... so I might as well give it a try tonight.
Or maybe it's just that ideas sound so much better when you're half drugged on sleep and it's easier to find the courage to blurt them out and blame them on sleep-deprived brain the next morning...
Maybe it's because in the softer light of night - even the ugliest and clunkiest things take on a beauty and mystery of their own...
... because usually by the next morning it looks a lot less glamorous.
... Things like starting a poorly written blog post about how I'm mortally afraid of failing (especially at writing) ...
And look -
I know it's not just me. I've talked to a lot of other people who follow their passion - whether writing or painting or sculpting or even building their own business or following their dream - and there are a good number of us (not all - some find that blank space, that blank canvas, that unformed lump of clay - that open possibility - exhilarating - tantalizing - exciting - maybe even normal or mundane) - but there are ENOUGH of us - enough so that I don't feel like a complete and total freak (just a little one) - that find that endless expanse of white absolutely terrifying.
So terrifying - that I will (and do) come up with pretty much every excuse not to face it.
Even though that means that I then end up facing my worse fear of all: failure at my life.
Because I've tried a lot of things - honestly - things that I like - things that I even think I could be good at - things like swing dancing, and making pottery, and teaching -- things that I could even arguably see myself becoming much better at than writing if I were willing to put my back into it...
... and the thought of pursuing any of those things for my life sounds nice - but somehow I can't muster up the passion to really truly pursue them to the point of greatness... and I can't tell if it's because I can't muster up enough courage to actually face the fear of failing at any of them... or if it's because they just don't compel me the way writing does.
... the way where it feels like if I don't do this - if I don't write - then I will have failed at my life.
I mean - not doing any of the above would be mini-failures - small deaths - "mini-strokes" so to speak to my life - one alone may not undo me, but not doing several of them could be really seriously deathly to my soul...
... but somehow the thought that at the end of my life I might die without having written a book because I failed at it somehow -
THAT makes me cry.
And yet that fear of failing at it is exactly what makes it so hard for me to write.
And it isn't that it needs to be a book read by anyone, or published, or even a book that anyone but myself cares two cents about it (although all those things would be nice - and if I'm honest - I crave and would crave those things) ... It's just a "book" in the sense - a collection of writing that I can look at and say: "Yes... I did what I was meant to do with this life."
A lot of people reading this (or would - if there were a lot of people reading this) are probably thinking: "Maybe if you would lighten up a little on yourself - you wouldn't be so afraid - and then writing that book would be so much easier"
And it sounds like a pretty simply solution right?
Because really - it's ridiculous to wrap your whole life's worth up into something that may not actually happen... in fact - that could be a very dangerous way of living period.
So what if you don't write a book. Really, there are worse things you could do in life... a lot worse...
So what if you have a happy life - and are a good wife - and a good mom - and even a great teacher/swing dancer/potter/(fill in the blank with something else that I'm missing?) - why ISN'T that enough?
Haven't you been saying to yourself - and everyone else - this whole time that BEING - simply existing is what matters?
That's your whole Cartesian argument right?
"I exist, therefore my existence matters."
... so why the existential crisis?
Your whole argument of faith is that because you believe in Christ - because you believe in a God who loves you - because that love is what defines your identity - that you should not fear... not even failure of living/fulfilling your life.
So then - why afraid?
Why so downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God - for I will yet praise Him
My redeemer and my God
And get this - it's not that I'm afraid that I will fail Him.
Or even that I will fail myself.
More that I will fail.
Just absolutely.
If I don't write.
Maybe a part of it is that it doesn't matter to Him whether I fail or not.
I mean, I couldn't fail any worse than we all (collectively and individually) already have failed to Him... and it didn't change anything for Him then, doesn't change anything for Him now.
So whether I succeed or not doesn't change His love for me.
And that (hypothetically) gives me courage...
and (truly) gives me encouragement...
... but it doesn't mean that I don't still have to face that fear of failure anyways.
Maybe this is what people miss about the Christian faith...
and I say miss because I don't think we're really honest about these things...
It isn't that those struggles that you face - those huge obstacles that you'd really rather turn-about-tuck-tail and run away from - it's not like they just disappear.
It's not like you no longer walk in the valley of the shadow of death -
It's that you still face them... those struggles, those dark times, those valleys, those mountainous obstacles... maybe even more than if you DID run because:
It's just okay if you fail at them...
... And yet you're expected to go at them anyways - 100% - because like I said... Your whole eternal life's worth isn't tied up in whether you succeed at them or not - which sounds great, except that leaves you no excuse not to try. If any man would follow me - he must pick up his cross daily...
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.
I love those quotes... not really because they set me free from my fear of failure like "oh! I have nothing to worry about now - let's go for it!"
... But because I feel like they were spoken by people who really deeply understood the fear of failure... and weren't saying "GO AND TRY" as though it were some light undertaking - like all you had to do was just try hard to succeed - but because they understood the struggle of facing those fears... and because they only reached the points they did - where they said what they could say - because they had practiced the art/battle of facing that fear...
being defeated by it...
failing by fault or default...
and getting up the next day to face it again.
So maybe this is just me fighting back.
In the wee hours of the morning when the cool side of my pillow is beckoning me - and tomorrow will be a longer day because of less sleep - and I am already terrified to go back and have to re-read this - and it would be easier - so much easier not to have even gotten up to try.
But I'm glad I did... because at least today I can say "Well... I've gotten this far... might as well post it up."
And even if the current tally of the day is 1,918,919,184,002,182: Fear and 2: Whitney
(I count getting out of bed a victory on some days)
At least it is 2... and not 0 today.
Does it ever get any easier?
Maybe not... maybe you just build an ability to keep at it...
Or maybe it is just this hard all the time.
All I know is that I need to do this more often.
... Not because I fear failing at my existence... but because I fear failing at really living my life.
Or maybe - if I thought of it more positively...
Not because I fear failing at my existence... but because I love life too much to let it pass me by.
At any rate... I am done for now.
Sleep calls and this time - I'm caving.
Love,
Whitney
I have a confession to make...
And since this whole blog is called "Daily Confessions of a Christian Woman" - I guess I figured this was as good place as any to confess...
... Or maybe this is my way of fighting back.
My confession is this: I am mortally afraid of failing.
In fact, this might be my biggest fear ever.
At least... it is the fear that I feel I have to face most often and most definitely - the fear that defeats me the most.
It keeps me from a lot of things (like writing) pretty much everyday - because I am mortally afraid that I will fail at writing... because I have no idea what I am going to write... because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life other than write... and I am mortally afraid of failing (most of all) at my life.
There's a lot of other convenient excuses that go along with that (not writing - that is) - the main one being "but I never have time" - because a lot of times the moments when I have the ideas of things to write - it's when I can make convenient excuses like: but what will I write on? (Trust me - I have tried notebooks and minibooks and all sorts of journals and small notepads and any number of paper and pen combinations and they all fail) or - "but I'm in the middle of something else."
Or, as was the case tonight, I should (or have) already climbed into bed - and really - sleep is "necessary" isn't it? For basic life-functioning... like getting up and being productive at a job that actually makes you money.
What really drove me from that cozy spot tonight was the thought that I guess a lot of artists learn to sacrifice sleep to their art...
... or else I'm not quite sure how they do it...
... so I might as well give it a try tonight.
Or maybe it's just that ideas sound so much better when you're half drugged on sleep and it's easier to find the courage to blurt them out and blame them on sleep-deprived brain the next morning...
Maybe it's because in the softer light of night - even the ugliest and clunkiest things take on a beauty and mystery of their own...
... because usually by the next morning it looks a lot less glamorous.
... Things like starting a poorly written blog post about how I'm mortally afraid of failing (especially at writing) ...
And look -
I know it's not just me. I've talked to a lot of other people who follow their passion - whether writing or painting or sculpting or even building their own business or following their dream - and there are a good number of us (not all - some find that blank space, that blank canvas, that unformed lump of clay - that open possibility - exhilarating - tantalizing - exciting - maybe even normal or mundane) - but there are ENOUGH of us - enough so that I don't feel like a complete and total freak (just a little one) - that find that endless expanse of white absolutely terrifying.
So terrifying - that I will (and do) come up with pretty much every excuse not to face it.
Even though that means that I then end up facing my worse fear of all: failure at my life.
Because I've tried a lot of things - honestly - things that I like - things that I even think I could be good at - things like swing dancing, and making pottery, and teaching -- things that I could even arguably see myself becoming much better at than writing if I were willing to put my back into it...
... and the thought of pursuing any of those things for my life sounds nice - but somehow I can't muster up the passion to really truly pursue them to the point of greatness... and I can't tell if it's because I can't muster up enough courage to actually face the fear of failing at any of them... or if it's because they just don't compel me the way writing does.
... the way where it feels like if I don't do this - if I don't write - then I will have failed at my life.
I mean - not doing any of the above would be mini-failures - small deaths - "mini-strokes" so to speak to my life - one alone may not undo me, but not doing several of them could be really seriously deathly to my soul...
... but somehow the thought that at the end of my life I might die without having written a book because I failed at it somehow -
THAT makes me cry.
And yet that fear of failing at it is exactly what makes it so hard for me to write.
And it isn't that it needs to be a book read by anyone, or published, or even a book that anyone but myself cares two cents about it (although all those things would be nice - and if I'm honest - I crave and would crave those things) ... It's just a "book" in the sense - a collection of writing that I can look at and say: "Yes... I did what I was meant to do with this life."
A lot of people reading this (or would - if there were a lot of people reading this) are probably thinking: "Maybe if you would lighten up a little on yourself - you wouldn't be so afraid - and then writing that book would be so much easier"
And it sounds like a pretty simply solution right?
Because really - it's ridiculous to wrap your whole life's worth up into something that may not actually happen... in fact - that could be a very dangerous way of living period.
So what if you don't write a book. Really, there are worse things you could do in life... a lot worse...
So what if you have a happy life - and are a good wife - and a good mom - and even a great teacher/swing dancer/potter/(fill in the blank with something else that I'm missing?) - why ISN'T that enough?
Haven't you been saying to yourself - and everyone else - this whole time that BEING - simply existing is what matters?
That's your whole Cartesian argument right?
"I exist, therefore my existence matters."
... so why the existential crisis?
Your whole argument of faith is that because you believe in Christ - because you believe in a God who loves you - because that love is what defines your identity - that you should not fear... not even failure of living/fulfilling your life.
So then - why afraid?
Why so downcast, oh my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God - for I will yet praise Him
My redeemer and my God
And get this - it's not that I'm afraid that I will fail Him.
Or even that I will fail myself.
More that I will fail.
Just absolutely.
If I don't write.
Maybe a part of it is that it doesn't matter to Him whether I fail or not.
I mean, I couldn't fail any worse than we all (collectively and individually) already have failed to Him... and it didn't change anything for Him then, doesn't change anything for Him now.
So whether I succeed or not doesn't change His love for me.
And that (hypothetically) gives me courage...
and (truly) gives me encouragement...
... but it doesn't mean that I don't still have to face that fear of failure anyways.
Maybe this is what people miss about the Christian faith...
and I say miss because I don't think we're really honest about these things...
It isn't that those struggles that you face - those huge obstacles that you'd really rather turn-about-tuck-tail and run away from - it's not like they just disappear.
It's not like you no longer walk in the valley of the shadow of death -
It's that you still face them... those struggles, those dark times, those valleys, those mountainous obstacles... maybe even more than if you DID run because:
It's just okay if you fail at them...
... And yet you're expected to go at them anyways - 100% - because like I said... Your whole eternal life's worth isn't tied up in whether you succeed at them or not - which sounds great, except that leaves you no excuse not to try. If any man would follow me - he must pick up his cross daily...
We have nothing to fear but fear itself...
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well have not lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.
I love those quotes... not really because they set me free from my fear of failure like "oh! I have nothing to worry about now - let's go for it!"
... But because I feel like they were spoken by people who really deeply understood the fear of failure... and weren't saying "GO AND TRY" as though it were some light undertaking - like all you had to do was just try hard to succeed - but because they understood the struggle of facing those fears... and because they only reached the points they did - where they said what they could say - because they had practiced the art/battle of facing that fear...
being defeated by it...
failing by fault or default...
and getting up the next day to face it again.
So maybe this is just me fighting back.
In the wee hours of the morning when the cool side of my pillow is beckoning me - and tomorrow will be a longer day because of less sleep - and I am already terrified to go back and have to re-read this - and it would be easier - so much easier not to have even gotten up to try.
But I'm glad I did... because at least today I can say "Well... I've gotten this far... might as well post it up."
And even if the current tally of the day is 1,918,919,184,002,182: Fear and 2: Whitney
(I count getting out of bed a victory on some days)
At least it is 2... and not 0 today.
Does it ever get any easier?
Maybe not... maybe you just build an ability to keep at it...
Or maybe it is just this hard all the time.
All I know is that I need to do this more often.
... Not because I fear failing at my existence... but because I fear failing at really living my life.
Or maybe - if I thought of it more positively...
Not because I fear failing at my existence... but because I love life too much to let it pass me by.
At any rate... I am done for now.
Sleep calls and this time - I'm caving.
Love,
Whitney
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