April 25, 2014
Trucking through April. Can't believe it's almost over. Need to get my act together if I have hopes of applying to any grad schools at all.
Been a bit of a rushed morning... woke up a little late and not yet in panic mode but could be heading there.
Tired. But not in the same super exhausted way I was before. Just ready for a rest.
Psalm 119:105-112
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
I feel like I'm walking in the dark Father. If there is a light right now it feels pretty dim and only barely covering the circle under my feet.
Sometimes I see a light in the far off distance and I begin to head in that direction - but other times it feels like a light overhead - barely lighting what's right underneath me.
There are times when I feel like I see clearly - as bright as the noonday sun - and everything illuminated is almost so overwhelming as for the darkness and ignorance to feel like it was bliss.
And other times it feels my whole way is lighted - I know where I am going and I am sure of every step.
But right now is not one of those times.
RIght now I feel the light is illuminating me dimly and the path in front and the darkness beyond is thick and obscure.
... But at least I have a light. I think to myself.
Feel like I need a good conversation with a friend. Something to shore up so many unasked questions inside - so many unexpected and uncovered thoughts boiling under the surface - about ---------, about grad school, about my time management, about being diligent and disciplined and facing the future unafraid. About being brave and not letting fear hold me back.
Glad I am having lunch with ------- on Sunday. She will be a good person to talk to.
I am severely afflicted;
give me life, O Lord, according to your word!"
Still feel like I am in recovery mode from my questioning everything I believe in.
Still feel a little weak on my feet.
Light seems dim and I'm dedicated to moving forward now - I just don't know where, so I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark a little. I hope that despite me not feeling like I have direction - you would have what flickering light I'm carrying fall on those who need it - who I might otherwise have never intentionally gone to before.
Lord - You are infinitely good - I am sure of that in my soul... and I thank you for reminders of Your goodness and love in my life. May I cling to You - and hold on for dear life - in the midst of what feels like the pressing dark - to find rest in You and power and courage. Amen.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
April 16: Psalm 119:41-48
April 16, 2014
Funny the difference a day can make. Winter made a revisitation yesterday with freezing rain and a chill last night. Today dawned chilly with highs promising to get no higher than mid-50s. Feels like winter fell over my soul again too.
Every once in a while I go through these bouts of questioning everything I believe it - at its very foundation. What if there is no God? What if I am delusional and my entire life is based upon a lie?
The belief in and of itself will not have caused much harm directly to me or my family - but looking at it through the lens of disbelief I can understand people's anger over the effect it has had on other people's lives - all religious beliefs - really - but also in particular Christianity.
There are good things religions have brought to the world - art, creativity, inspiration, cohesiveness, even peace - but plenty of war, destruction, and violence too.
I think if I were not Christian I would be atheist.
If I were agnostic - in acknowledging either there is a God or could be a God - I feel logic and history is stacked in favor of Christianity - mainly the logic of how salvation is obtained - and the fact that many people witnessed Christ and his teaching - and that the Bible was written by many people across many centuries - not just one isolated person having a spiritual encounter with no eye witnesses.
But if there isn't a God - then everything must be explainable by science - all those questions that are unanswered - everything that doesn't fall into the "doesn't make sense" category - just gets thrown out or placed on hold until evidence can explain it... and though I think that IS a sort of faith - it is a faith that cuts out the incredible or miraculous - at least in the sense of some greater power's intervention.
Eventually going Round Robin in my head on all these thoughts and questions - I end up at this cross road. "Either you believe, or you don't Whitney," I say to myself... and down one path of not believing in God I feel my world shrinks to the immediacy of this world and this life - which, as amazing and wonderful and more than enough as it is for me, is still smaller than the divine invading the world we know and expanding it to beyond our own understanding - beyond our capabilities of understanding.
Down one road is a life that revolves around happiness and comfortability - getting the most out of this life while we can - cherishing the moments and times with the people I really love and like and enjoy and working towards a life that is even-keeled - full - and joyful.
Down the other road is a life spent in challenge - learning to love people I don't want to love - laying my life down for the sake of others - being concerned about others' well being - not only in the here and now but for eternity - and learning to find joy in all circumstance. Love by sacrifice - and being constantly stretched by a being who cannot be contained in this world but pushes beyond it.
There is neither convincing proof enough to believe nor convincing proof enough not to believe in my head. Each side argues its point perfectly from its standpoint but neither (as I have been able or seen someone else able) can argue their point from within the others' point of view and debunk it.
So I feel like I'm left with this crossroads - and the choice is to either believe that there is some higher being by which all things are sourced and find their meaning and being and there is salvation from our failings (whether you call that higher being the Universe, or an Alien Intelligence, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Mutual Consciousness, or whatever... just belief in some higher being connecting all things together) - or else you believe that there isn't. Everything can be explained by diverse phenomena that we either we understand now or simply have not yet explained or understood and there is no salvation from our failings except for that which we work out ourselves.
And a lot of times - to me - the diverse phenomena and "life is what we make of it" explanation makes a lot more sense.
And then other times - it seems to me that in following that path, I end up making a lot of strange arguments to questions like "What is 'life'? Where does it come from? Who am I? What is my purpose? What is my life to be about? Are there parts to humanity that can't be "discovered" or explained? What makes up the fabric of existence? Why does anything matter at all?" that makes me feel like I am trying to stretch the limits of what we say we can explain... so that it ends up that very few things, if anything really - are explained at all in that way...
In the end I end up choosing the path to belief... and sometimes without much good logical reason for why I choose that path over the path of disbelief (although I feel like I have at least equal logical reason for choosing each one).
Perhaps it is bad that I never have answer for why I believe in You- at least in a logical sense - perhaps that is the definition of faith... But standing at the crossroads - despite the fact that I'd rather live a life where my only concerns are for comfort, the here and now, happiness in this life - I find myself wanting to choose that there is more to this life than we can understand - more than we could ever understand, even collectively - and even if it means either living in discomfort of continued stretching or even discomfort because I am avoiding the stretching - then it somehow makes all of it more worthwhile if it's part of a bigger story than just us - than just humanity - even as big and wondrous and amazing as I can readily say humanity alone is.
Sometimes believing in You is subconscious - it is my default - I more often think in a mindset of faith and operate from that framework without considering the alternative - but other times it is a choice I wrestle with making. I understand - at least in part - the point of view that there isn't really a God - and that I am a product of my culture and my upbringing - I have been indoctrinated in my belief... and I can even understand why people don't believe that there is a God... I can even agree with them on points they make -
But I find myself - over and over - leaning towards the answer to my questions being directed to a Person - not a set of diverse phenomena we are still trying to unravel and discover.
Still... I question myself as to why I make that choice - on what grounds? Is it simply because I'm totally brainwashed? And I wonder whether I will make it again when standing at that crossroads.
Yesterday was hard... walking through the confusion of the arguments in my head and being angry that if You were real - that You would allow winter to fall again. I know it seems petty - but I see the new life blooming in the prime of its beauty - and now suddenly being cut back - frostbitten - destroyed - and for no apparent reason that I can see - and it feels like a picture for the struggle of my life and the struggle of other people's lives... and I'm supposed to trust that this is because You are ultimately good - and not just because it's due to global warming or our weather sucks or because we don't have control over everything in life.
I know it all sounds bizarre - it sounds bizarre to me - but I know the weather didn't cause me to have a "crisis of faith." I had one - and my angst about the weather just happened to be tied up into it because I begged you not to destroy Spring before it had run its full course.
The world was left relatively unscathed and intact when I awoke this morning - but I know death happened last night and parts of Spring died... it feels like the heart of joy was taken out of it. Perhaps it will bounce back more resilient and defiant of winter than ever before - but right now I feel like it reflects my heart - bruised - battered - and not in the mood for any heroics.
"I'll continue on," I feel like grumbling at you from under baleful sullen eyes - "but it isn't because I'm happy about it!" I feel like shouting at You, "It's because I know it's what I'm 'supposed' to do."
On the other road - I'd chalk this all up to Season Affective Disorder - and figure I'll get over it on the next warm day - but on the current road I'm on I'm certain it is at least in part a heart attitude that needs to change.
Psalm 119: 41-48
Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord,
your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
for I trust in your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth,
for my hope is in your rules.
I will keep your law continually, forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.
I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
for I find my delight in your commandments,
which I love.
I will lift up my hands toward your commandments,
which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.
Amen.
Thank you for that Psalm Father - I repent of my rebellious heart - ask for Your forgiveness - and am grateful to begin anew.
Thank you for the crossroads - for giving me the choice - and calling me to You once again.
Amen.
Funny the difference a day can make. Winter made a revisitation yesterday with freezing rain and a chill last night. Today dawned chilly with highs promising to get no higher than mid-50s. Feels like winter fell over my soul again too.
Every once in a while I go through these bouts of questioning everything I believe it - at its very foundation. What if there is no God? What if I am delusional and my entire life is based upon a lie?
The belief in and of itself will not have caused much harm directly to me or my family - but looking at it through the lens of disbelief I can understand people's anger over the effect it has had on other people's lives - all religious beliefs - really - but also in particular Christianity.
There are good things religions have brought to the world - art, creativity, inspiration, cohesiveness, even peace - but plenty of war, destruction, and violence too.
I think if I were not Christian I would be atheist.
If I were agnostic - in acknowledging either there is a God or could be a God - I feel logic and history is stacked in favor of Christianity - mainly the logic of how salvation is obtained - and the fact that many people witnessed Christ and his teaching - and that the Bible was written by many people across many centuries - not just one isolated person having a spiritual encounter with no eye witnesses.
But if there isn't a God - then everything must be explainable by science - all those questions that are unanswered - everything that doesn't fall into the "doesn't make sense" category - just gets thrown out or placed on hold until evidence can explain it... and though I think that IS a sort of faith - it is a faith that cuts out the incredible or miraculous - at least in the sense of some greater power's intervention.
Eventually going Round Robin in my head on all these thoughts and questions - I end up at this cross road. "Either you believe, or you don't Whitney," I say to myself... and down one path of not believing in God I feel my world shrinks to the immediacy of this world and this life - which, as amazing and wonderful and more than enough as it is for me, is still smaller than the divine invading the world we know and expanding it to beyond our own understanding - beyond our capabilities of understanding.
Down one road is a life that revolves around happiness and comfortability - getting the most out of this life while we can - cherishing the moments and times with the people I really love and like and enjoy and working towards a life that is even-keeled - full - and joyful.
Down the other road is a life spent in challenge - learning to love people I don't want to love - laying my life down for the sake of others - being concerned about others' well being - not only in the here and now but for eternity - and learning to find joy in all circumstance. Love by sacrifice - and being constantly stretched by a being who cannot be contained in this world but pushes beyond it.
There is neither convincing proof enough to believe nor convincing proof enough not to believe in my head. Each side argues its point perfectly from its standpoint but neither (as I have been able or seen someone else able) can argue their point from within the others' point of view and debunk it.
So I feel like I'm left with this crossroads - and the choice is to either believe that there is some higher being by which all things are sourced and find their meaning and being and there is salvation from our failings (whether you call that higher being the Universe, or an Alien Intelligence, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Mutual Consciousness, or whatever... just belief in some higher being connecting all things together) - or else you believe that there isn't. Everything can be explained by diverse phenomena that we either we understand now or simply have not yet explained or understood and there is no salvation from our failings except for that which we work out ourselves.
And a lot of times - to me - the diverse phenomena and "life is what we make of it" explanation makes a lot more sense.
And then other times - it seems to me that in following that path, I end up making a lot of strange arguments to questions like "What is 'life'? Where does it come from? Who am I? What is my purpose? What is my life to be about? Are there parts to humanity that can't be "discovered" or explained? What makes up the fabric of existence? Why does anything matter at all?" that makes me feel like I am trying to stretch the limits of what we say we can explain... so that it ends up that very few things, if anything really - are explained at all in that way...
In the end I end up choosing the path to belief... and sometimes without much good logical reason for why I choose that path over the path of disbelief (although I feel like I have at least equal logical reason for choosing each one).
Perhaps it is bad that I never have answer for why I believe in You- at least in a logical sense - perhaps that is the definition of faith... But standing at the crossroads - despite the fact that I'd rather live a life where my only concerns are for comfort, the here and now, happiness in this life - I find myself wanting to choose that there is more to this life than we can understand - more than we could ever understand, even collectively - and even if it means either living in discomfort of continued stretching or even discomfort because I am avoiding the stretching - then it somehow makes all of it more worthwhile if it's part of a bigger story than just us - than just humanity - even as big and wondrous and amazing as I can readily say humanity alone is.
Sometimes believing in You is subconscious - it is my default - I more often think in a mindset of faith and operate from that framework without considering the alternative - but other times it is a choice I wrestle with making. I understand - at least in part - the point of view that there isn't really a God - and that I am a product of my culture and my upbringing - I have been indoctrinated in my belief... and I can even understand why people don't believe that there is a God... I can even agree with them on points they make -
But I find myself - over and over - leaning towards the answer to my questions being directed to a Person - not a set of diverse phenomena we are still trying to unravel and discover.
Still... I question myself as to why I make that choice - on what grounds? Is it simply because I'm totally brainwashed? And I wonder whether I will make it again when standing at that crossroads.
Yesterday was hard... walking through the confusion of the arguments in my head and being angry that if You were real - that You would allow winter to fall again. I know it seems petty - but I see the new life blooming in the prime of its beauty - and now suddenly being cut back - frostbitten - destroyed - and for no apparent reason that I can see - and it feels like a picture for the struggle of my life and the struggle of other people's lives... and I'm supposed to trust that this is because You are ultimately good - and not just because it's due to global warming or our weather sucks or because we don't have control over everything in life.
I know it all sounds bizarre - it sounds bizarre to me - but I know the weather didn't cause me to have a "crisis of faith." I had one - and my angst about the weather just happened to be tied up into it because I begged you not to destroy Spring before it had run its full course.
The world was left relatively unscathed and intact when I awoke this morning - but I know death happened last night and parts of Spring died... it feels like the heart of joy was taken out of it. Perhaps it will bounce back more resilient and defiant of winter than ever before - but right now I feel like it reflects my heart - bruised - battered - and not in the mood for any heroics.
"I'll continue on," I feel like grumbling at you from under baleful sullen eyes - "but it isn't because I'm happy about it!" I feel like shouting at You, "It's because I know it's what I'm 'supposed' to do."
On the other road - I'd chalk this all up to Season Affective Disorder - and figure I'll get over it on the next warm day - but on the current road I'm on I'm certain it is at least in part a heart attitude that needs to change.
Psalm 119: 41-48
Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord,
your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
for I trust in your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth,
for my hope is in your rules.
I will keep your law continually, forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.
I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
for I find my delight in your commandments,
which I love.
I will lift up my hands toward your commandments,
which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.
Amen.
Thank you for that Psalm Father - I repent of my rebellious heart - ask for Your forgiveness - and am grateful to begin anew.
Thank you for the crossroads - for giving me the choice - and calling me to You once again.
Amen.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
April 14 -- Psalm 119:9-32
April 14, 2014
Time flies. Halfway through April - nearly a third of the way through the year... The length between my postings is getting longer and longer...
I feel a bit like a beach after a big storm - Strangely scrubbed and clean - but with debris still drifting up to the shore.
It feels like it has been a really, really busy past couple of weeks and just starting to get my feet back under me again (kind-of). There are so many things to tie up and yet feels like we're already starting a new beginning.
Psalm 119:9-32 (Beth, Gimel, Daleth)
Daleth: Psalm 119:25-32
Funny that my eye first landed on this portion - took me a second to recognize I had skipped some. In my mind are all the recent conversations with --------, trying to sort out what is truth from so many religions that each claim they are the right way. They all start to sound and look alike - so I understand the confusion.
Yet out of all the clamor for attention and all the theological debate - I hear You calling out to me for relationship - for freedom - for the joy of knowing that is of heart and soul and not just of the mind.
"I will run in the way of Your commandments
for you have set my heart free."
It makes sense to me that the author cries out to You to make Your way clear - to help him to understand - to strengthen him in the midst of many false teachings... There are a lot out there - in a lot of different names and guises - and the only way I know to make my way through is to pray that I would hear Your voice - to listen intently - and trust that You have me - by crook and by rod - and will lead me through the confusion and the darkness and be my light.
So often You have - never have You not - and in the midst of all of it - I hear shards of truth - moments of truth - in all religions - in all beliefs - and still You stand supreme and Sovereign because it doesn't make sense that by any other way might we be saved except through Your Sacrifice - at once perfect, holy, divine, and eternal - no one else could satisfy the judge's jurisdiction except that He pay the price for His own justice (for how else could He be just in allowing an innocent to die for the guilty?) ...
And yet, simultaneously human - one of us - for who else could pay the transgression but one who was of the transgressors? Who else could intercede with perfect knowledge - knowledge as of knowing by experience - what it means to be human - what it means to experience death - and intercede on our behalf to a perfect and holy and eternal God.
And how could we save ourselves? With all our best efforts we put band aids on gaping wounds - we infect as much as we heal - for every advancement we create new problems - there is not one of us who is perfect or could even claim potential of perfection in and of ourselves.
Most of us are painfully - uncomfortably and disconcertingly - aware of our insufficiencies and shortcomings and weaknesses... and those that aren't are so afraid and so weak as to be unable to face their insufficiencies at all.
In the midst of this - all of this - I hear Your voice - and I can't ignore it - nor do I want to - calling me to rest - calling me to action - calling me to sufficiency and ability in You... Sometimes where I don't want to go - Sometimes when I don't feel ready - sometimes to people I'd rather avoid.
"My soul clings to the dust;
Give me life according to Your word!"
How is it that I know in my heart that You are true? I could explain in a thousand arguments - over a thousand issues - what it is that I see - what it is that You reveal to me - over a thousand discussions of theology - not one of them may make a single difference though...
"If today You hear his Voice -
harden not your heart!"
It isn't that those discussions aren't important - it's that they make no difference if you hear that whisper in your soul to believe - to trust - to allow yourself to begin the risky business of falling in love - and you refuse. You squelch it as insensible and write it off as a silly childish dream - as a "pretend" friend - as a crutch - as a deception to keep you from facing reality - or because you want to verify every truth before you allow yourself to admit (even to yourself - even a little) that you believe.
This relationship with You is strange and different - and yet not unlike falling in love. At first one may enter it cautiously - with a guarded heart - but eventually you must open your heart up a little - and little more and more - in order for it to begin and then for it to grow.
It's like wanting to know everything about a person - their history - their story - who they are - before getting to know them first...
It doesn't work... not really -
You have to be willing to get to know them -
Sit down and have those hard conversations with them - not just everyone else who knows them.
But Lord - may I not use that as an excuse. May I not become lazy - or harden my heart to Your call on my life - to open my heart to greater love - greater compassion - to becoming more and more like You in heart and in word and deed.
Father - may I be your hands and feet - your words - your love... may I walk in your statutes - proclaim your truths - with my life.
May I introduce you to others and help them to get to know you even more. May I be a matchmaker in the greatest love story there ever was.
Amen.
Time flies. Halfway through April - nearly a third of the way through the year... The length between my postings is getting longer and longer...
I feel a bit like a beach after a big storm - Strangely scrubbed and clean - but with debris still drifting up to the shore.
It feels like it has been a really, really busy past couple of weeks and just starting to get my feet back under me again (kind-of). There are so many things to tie up and yet feels like we're already starting a new beginning.
Psalm 119:9-32 (Beth, Gimel, Daleth)
Daleth: Psalm 119:25-32
Funny that my eye first landed on this portion - took me a second to recognize I had skipped some. In my mind are all the recent conversations with --------, trying to sort out what is truth from so many religions that each claim they are the right way. They all start to sound and look alike - so I understand the confusion.
Yet out of all the clamor for attention and all the theological debate - I hear You calling out to me for relationship - for freedom - for the joy of knowing that is of heart and soul and not just of the mind.
"I will run in the way of Your commandments
for you have set my heart free."
It makes sense to me that the author cries out to You to make Your way clear - to help him to understand - to strengthen him in the midst of many false teachings... There are a lot out there - in a lot of different names and guises - and the only way I know to make my way through is to pray that I would hear Your voice - to listen intently - and trust that You have me - by crook and by rod - and will lead me through the confusion and the darkness and be my light.
So often You have - never have You not - and in the midst of all of it - I hear shards of truth - moments of truth - in all religions - in all beliefs - and still You stand supreme and Sovereign because it doesn't make sense that by any other way might we be saved except through Your Sacrifice - at once perfect, holy, divine, and eternal - no one else could satisfy the judge's jurisdiction except that He pay the price for His own justice (for how else could He be just in allowing an innocent to die for the guilty?) ...
And yet, simultaneously human - one of us - for who else could pay the transgression but one who was of the transgressors? Who else could intercede with perfect knowledge - knowledge as of knowing by experience - what it means to be human - what it means to experience death - and intercede on our behalf to a perfect and holy and eternal God.
And how could we save ourselves? With all our best efforts we put band aids on gaping wounds - we infect as much as we heal - for every advancement we create new problems - there is not one of us who is perfect or could even claim potential of perfection in and of ourselves.
Most of us are painfully - uncomfortably and disconcertingly - aware of our insufficiencies and shortcomings and weaknesses... and those that aren't are so afraid and so weak as to be unable to face their insufficiencies at all.
In the midst of this - all of this - I hear Your voice - and I can't ignore it - nor do I want to - calling me to rest - calling me to action - calling me to sufficiency and ability in You... Sometimes where I don't want to go - Sometimes when I don't feel ready - sometimes to people I'd rather avoid.
"My soul clings to the dust;
Give me life according to Your word!"
How is it that I know in my heart that You are true? I could explain in a thousand arguments - over a thousand issues - what it is that I see - what it is that You reveal to me - over a thousand discussions of theology - not one of them may make a single difference though...
"If today You hear his Voice -
harden not your heart!"
It isn't that those discussions aren't important - it's that they make no difference if you hear that whisper in your soul to believe - to trust - to allow yourself to begin the risky business of falling in love - and you refuse. You squelch it as insensible and write it off as a silly childish dream - as a "pretend" friend - as a crutch - as a deception to keep you from facing reality - or because you want to verify every truth before you allow yourself to admit (even to yourself - even a little) that you believe.
This relationship with You is strange and different - and yet not unlike falling in love. At first one may enter it cautiously - with a guarded heart - but eventually you must open your heart up a little - and little more and more - in order for it to begin and then for it to grow.
It's like wanting to know everything about a person - their history - their story - who they are - before getting to know them first...
It doesn't work... not really -
You have to be willing to get to know them -
Sit down and have those hard conversations with them - not just everyone else who knows them.
But Lord - may I not use that as an excuse. May I not become lazy - or harden my heart to Your call on my life - to open my heart to greater love - greater compassion - to becoming more and more like You in heart and in word and deed.
Father - may I be your hands and feet - your words - your love... may I walk in your statutes - proclaim your truths - with my life.
May I introduce you to others and help them to get to know you even more. May I be a matchmaker in the greatest love story there ever was.
Amen.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
April 5: Psalm 118
April 5, 2014
There's something magical about being awake when all the world is asleep - and being asleep when all the world is awake. Saturday morning and the only things up and singing are the birds it seems. I'd love to sleep in - but somehow seems good to get up and imagine Jason waking up in the cabin with the cool spring air fresh all around him - Ready for a whole day of outside play. Brings back a lot of memories of church camp - High Sierra - camping trips with the family. I miss it - maybe we'll have to go this summer.
Psalm 118
This Psalm is making me think of -------- this morning - How your steadfast love endures forever - about how the author is crying out that he is beset on every side, and yet giving thanks in the midst of that.
"I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation.
The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone."
Different in this Psalm from many other Psalms is the statement that You "have become my salvation" - not that You already were or will bring salvation - but that You have become.
I like that it gives that idea of a progression that has both been completed and is ongoing. Sometimes we start with something else as our salvation - or try - and realize the failure in that - then coming to You we find true salvation. And it isn't just at the beginning, but throughout our lives I think that we end up turning to you for salvation - and finding that You are always becoming our salvation:
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes."
Father - I thank you that it is a process and that you are both faithful and persistent in that process:
"The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever -
The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever -
The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever."
Engrave that upon our hearts Lord - bring it to remembrance often - that we would cling to that with all our life - especially when we feel besieged spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally.
Lord I thank you that belief in You is a relationship that grows and develops - that it doesn't just happen overnight -
That You ARE our salvation -
and that you have become our salvation -
and that you will bring salvation.
Father I pray for --------- today - that You would become her salvation - that she would be set free:
v. 5 "Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
the Lord answered and set me free.
v. 6 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
v. 13 I was pushed hard, so that I was falling,
but the Lord helped me."
Father, thank you for your goodness and love. For the sweetness and the serenity of your salvation and that You have become my salvation. I pray that salvation would gently invade the lives of the people I love - that it would rescue them out of anxiety, out of distress, out from the Enemy, out of enslavement and oppression - and set them free - embolden them. Strengthen them. Support them. Love them - so that even in the midst of hardship - even under attack - even besieged - they would find peace and security and freedom as You become their salvation:
v. 23 "This is the Lord's doing;
it is marvelous in our eyes.
v. 24 This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it!
v. 2 Let Israel say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
v.3 Let the house of Aaron say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
v. 4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
Amen Father - Amen and Amen.
"I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation."
There's something magical about being awake when all the world is asleep - and being asleep when all the world is awake. Saturday morning and the only things up and singing are the birds it seems. I'd love to sleep in - but somehow seems good to get up and imagine Jason waking up in the cabin with the cool spring air fresh all around him - Ready for a whole day of outside play. Brings back a lot of memories of church camp - High Sierra - camping trips with the family. I miss it - maybe we'll have to go this summer.
Psalm 118
This Psalm is making me think of -------- this morning - How your steadfast love endures forever - about how the author is crying out that he is beset on every side, and yet giving thanks in the midst of that.
"I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation.
The stone that the builders rejected
has become the cornerstone."
Different in this Psalm from many other Psalms is the statement that You "have become my salvation" - not that You already were or will bring salvation - but that You have become.
I like that it gives that idea of a progression that has both been completed and is ongoing. Sometimes we start with something else as our salvation - or try - and realize the failure in that - then coming to You we find true salvation. And it isn't just at the beginning, but throughout our lives I think that we end up turning to you for salvation - and finding that You are always becoming our salvation:
"It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in man.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes."
Father - I thank you that it is a process and that you are both faithful and persistent in that process:
"The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever -
The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever -
The steadfast love of the Lord endures forever."
Engrave that upon our hearts Lord - bring it to remembrance often - that we would cling to that with all our life - especially when we feel besieged spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally.
Lord I thank you that belief in You is a relationship that grows and develops - that it doesn't just happen overnight -
That You ARE our salvation -
and that you have become our salvation -
and that you will bring salvation.
Father I pray for --------- today - that You would become her salvation - that she would be set free:
v. 5 "Out of my distress I called on the Lord;
the Lord answered and set me free.
v. 6 The Lord is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me?
v. 13 I was pushed hard, so that I was falling,
but the Lord helped me."
Father, thank you for your goodness and love. For the sweetness and the serenity of your salvation and that You have become my salvation. I pray that salvation would gently invade the lives of the people I love - that it would rescue them out of anxiety, out of distress, out from the Enemy, out of enslavement and oppression - and set them free - embolden them. Strengthen them. Support them. Love them - so that even in the midst of hardship - even under attack - even besieged - they would find peace and security and freedom as You become their salvation:
v. 23 "This is the Lord's doing;
it is marvelous in our eyes.
v. 24 This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it!
v. 2 Let Israel say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
v.3 Let the house of Aaron say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
v. 4 Let those who fear the Lord say,
"His steadfast love endures forever."
Amen Father - Amen and Amen.
"I thank you that you have answered me
and have become my salvation."
Sunday, April 6, 2014
April 4: Psalm 117
April 4, 2013
Woke up this morning and didn't feel like hitting the shower right off the bat... Always seems like I run short on time to be with You. Wanted to spend today in extra praise and worship - in thanksgiving for yesterday's Bible study going so well and the little burst of revitalization it brought to my own faith that I've been longing for for a couple weeks now.
In prayer for Jason and the men going on the retreat this weekend. Lord I pray it wouldn't be just another fun get together - But that You would build friendships - godly friendships - over the weekend. Father I pray that it would be a time for Jason to meet men of faith with whom he could grow and be in relationship with - and that for all the men who go - it would be a sweet time with You and with one another. I pray they would be surprised by the depth that comes out of the weekend - refreshed and re-energized to come back to jobs and families with renewed strength and passion in You.
Little Apple is snuggled up next to me on the couch - again I wonder over her presence and the joy it brings me just to have her around. Will be grateful for her company this evening while Jason is gone.
Morning is already hazy and warm - drippy from the rain last night - but so fresh. I am so grateful for Spring finally come - it's like I can't help but wake up rejoicing.
Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord!
Such a short Psalm - just two verses - and yet I feel that is more than enough for me this morning. Praise the Lord - give thanks to Him! For great is His steadfast love toward us - His faithfulness endures forever - no matter what.
He gives great gifts - awesome blessings -
But greatest of all is the love that never leaves us - even when we reject Him - it still endures...
Even before I knew You - You loved me.
Before I loved You - You loved me.
You knew me - all of me - and You loved me.
And Your love for me is so great I can barely grasp the edges of it - It bursts into song when I wake up to spend time with You in the morning - it glows in hazy pinks and dusty blues from the eastern sky - it gently wraps around me in cool kisses on cheeks and hair.
It snuggles next to me in a little pupdog.
It rejoices in my heart (despite it being morning).
It wakes me up - ready for the day before it has begun
It holds me fast when my heart is falling to pieces and nothing is going right...
You leave me reminds of it - little love notes all over the place - even when I don't catch them all -
And even when I feel You are distant and I'm crying out to You - You hear me - and Your heart is breaking with me - until I find myself in Your arms again - where I never left even though I thought I did.
I wish I could give people a taste of this love - Your steadfast love - Your overwhelming love - the love that is Your glory - Your presence - the very essence of who You are.
Upon tasting it I believe that no matter how hard it is to follow You - no matter the impossible heights and depth of love and grace and transformation that You call us to - the heartbreak You make us go through and witness so that we may continue to be open hearted and not numbed or cold - the struggles of what is in Your Word and what that means for our lives - the questions about Evil in this world - why it continues - why it doesn't end... Everything about being a Christian that I wrestle with - even hate or wish I could avoid - all of it is worth accepting as a part of my life to acknowledge and experience and grow deeper in the love that is in Your presence - as a part of being in relationship with You - it is all completely worth the relationship.
Father - if in any way I could live so that people could get a touch or a glimpse or a taste of Your love - that is what I want. That in some way - they may taste and see the goodness of You Lord - and realize that whatever hesitations - whatever questions they may have - are worth facing to have relationship with You. They don't matter as much as experiencing this love - and You have a way of answering them - in Your way and Your time - that is perfectly fit to who we are and where we are.
Every question I have (and I still have some out there on the table before You) You have been faithful to walk with and through me on... and it is never about the issue... It is always about being in right relationship with You - and I love that.
If only I could share that with other people in some way... Father may that be what my life is all about.
Thank You Lord for this morning. For the many love notes You left for me - from the time I woke up.
May today be a day of rejoicing and praise in You. May I spend my time wisely - in both work and play - and rejoice in You throughout the day.
Thank You Lord - I love you and rejoice that You love me.
Amen.
Woke up this morning and didn't feel like hitting the shower right off the bat... Always seems like I run short on time to be with You. Wanted to spend today in extra praise and worship - in thanksgiving for yesterday's Bible study going so well and the little burst of revitalization it brought to my own faith that I've been longing for for a couple weeks now.
In prayer for Jason and the men going on the retreat this weekend. Lord I pray it wouldn't be just another fun get together - But that You would build friendships - godly friendships - over the weekend. Father I pray that it would be a time for Jason to meet men of faith with whom he could grow and be in relationship with - and that for all the men who go - it would be a sweet time with You and with one another. I pray they would be surprised by the depth that comes out of the weekend - refreshed and re-energized to come back to jobs and families with renewed strength and passion in You.
Little Apple is snuggled up next to me on the couch - again I wonder over her presence and the joy it brings me just to have her around. Will be grateful for her company this evening while Jason is gone.
Morning is already hazy and warm - drippy from the rain last night - but so fresh. I am so grateful for Spring finally come - it's like I can't help but wake up rejoicing.
Psalm 117
Praise the Lord, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever.
Praise the Lord!
Such a short Psalm - just two verses - and yet I feel that is more than enough for me this morning. Praise the Lord - give thanks to Him! For great is His steadfast love toward us - His faithfulness endures forever - no matter what.
He gives great gifts - awesome blessings -
But greatest of all is the love that never leaves us - even when we reject Him - it still endures...
Even before I knew You - You loved me.
Before I loved You - You loved me.
You knew me - all of me - and You loved me.
And Your love for me is so great I can barely grasp the edges of it - It bursts into song when I wake up to spend time with You in the morning - it glows in hazy pinks and dusty blues from the eastern sky - it gently wraps around me in cool kisses on cheeks and hair.
It snuggles next to me in a little pupdog.
It rejoices in my heart (despite it being morning).
It wakes me up - ready for the day before it has begun
It holds me fast when my heart is falling to pieces and nothing is going right...
You leave me reminds of it - little love notes all over the place - even when I don't catch them all -
And even when I feel You are distant and I'm crying out to You - You hear me - and Your heart is breaking with me - until I find myself in Your arms again - where I never left even though I thought I did.
I wish I could give people a taste of this love - Your steadfast love - Your overwhelming love - the love that is Your glory - Your presence - the very essence of who You are.
Upon tasting it I believe that no matter how hard it is to follow You - no matter the impossible heights and depth of love and grace and transformation that You call us to - the heartbreak You make us go through and witness so that we may continue to be open hearted and not numbed or cold - the struggles of what is in Your Word and what that means for our lives - the questions about Evil in this world - why it continues - why it doesn't end... Everything about being a Christian that I wrestle with - even hate or wish I could avoid - all of it is worth accepting as a part of my life to acknowledge and experience and grow deeper in the love that is in Your presence - as a part of being in relationship with You - it is all completely worth the relationship.
Father - if in any way I could live so that people could get a touch or a glimpse or a taste of Your love - that is what I want. That in some way - they may taste and see the goodness of You Lord - and realize that whatever hesitations - whatever questions they may have - are worth facing to have relationship with You. They don't matter as much as experiencing this love - and You have a way of answering them - in Your way and Your time - that is perfectly fit to who we are and where we are.
Every question I have (and I still have some out there on the table before You) You have been faithful to walk with and through me on... and it is never about the issue... It is always about being in right relationship with You - and I love that.
If only I could share that with other people in some way... Father may that be what my life is all about.
Thank You Lord for this morning. For the many love notes You left for me - from the time I woke up.
May today be a day of rejoicing and praise in You. May I spend my time wisely - in both work and play - and rejoice in You throughout the day.
Thank You Lord - I love you and rejoice that You love me.
Amen.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
March 31: Psalm 113-116
March 31, 2014
Feeling kind of quiet today. First day in many days that my head has felt clear. It is nice. Trying to keep it that way without panicking about it NOT being that way =P
Psalm 113-116
* Psalm 116 is my hymn of rejoicing and praise this morning Lord.
I love the Lord because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me
therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me;
the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return, o my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
I believed, even when I spoke:
"I am greatly afflicted."
I said in my alarm,
"All mankind are liars."
What shall I render to the Lord
for all his benefits to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call upon the name of the Lord,
I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his peoples.
Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.
O Lord, I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maid servant.
You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call upon the name of the Lord.
I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord,
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!"
Father, my heart is thankful for the rest and peace You have granted my soul. Thank you for refreshing me this weekend and I pray that You would help me to be Your witness at work - at friends' houses - at Gravitate and swing and playing the game - to Jason and Apple - and my family. What vows have I made that I need to fulfill Lord? Bring them to mind and help me fulfill them - FIrst and foremost the vow that my life would be dedicated and devoted to Your will. Amen.
Feeling kind of quiet today. First day in many days that my head has felt clear. It is nice. Trying to keep it that way without panicking about it NOT being that way =P
Psalm 113-116
* Psalm 116 is my hymn of rejoicing and praise this morning Lord.
I love the Lord because he has heard
my voice and my pleas for mercy.
Because he inclined his ear to me
therefore I will call on him as long as I live.
The snares of death encompassed me;
the pangs of Sheol laid hold of me;
I suffered distress and anguish.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O Lord, I pray, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous;
our God is merciful.
The Lord preserves the simple;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return, o my soul, to your rest;
for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.
I believed, even when I spoke:
"I am greatly afflicted."
I said in my alarm,
"All mankind are liars."
What shall I render to the Lord
for all his benefits to me?
I will lift up the cup of salvation
and call upon the name of the Lord,
I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his peoples.
Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.
O Lord, I am your servant;
I am your servant, the son of your maid servant.
You have loosed my bonds.
I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call upon the name of the Lord.
I will pay my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people,
in the courts of the house of the Lord,
in your midst, O Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!"
Father, my heart is thankful for the rest and peace You have granted my soul. Thank you for refreshing me this weekend and I pray that You would help me to be Your witness at work - at friends' houses - at Gravitate and swing and playing the game - to Jason and Apple - and my family. What vows have I made that I need to fulfill Lord? Bring them to mind and help me fulfill them - FIrst and foremost the vow that my life would be dedicated and devoted to Your will. Amen.
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