April 25, 2014
Trucking through April. Can't believe it's almost over. Need to get my act together if I have hopes of applying to any grad schools at all.
Been a bit of a rushed morning... woke up a little late and not yet in panic mode but could be heading there.
Tired. But not in the same super exhausted way I was before. Just ready for a rest.
Psalm 119:105-112
Your word is a lamp to my feet
and a light to my path.
I feel like I'm walking in the dark Father. If there is a light right now it feels pretty dim and only barely covering the circle under my feet.
Sometimes I see a light in the far off distance and I begin to head in that direction - but other times it feels like a light overhead - barely lighting what's right underneath me.
There are times when I feel like I see clearly - as bright as the noonday sun - and everything illuminated is almost so overwhelming as for the darkness and ignorance to feel like it was bliss.
And other times it feels my whole way is lighted - I know where I am going and I am sure of every step.
But right now is not one of those times.
RIght now I feel the light is illuminating me dimly and the path in front and the darkness beyond is thick and obscure.
... But at least I have a light. I think to myself.
Feel like I need a good conversation with a friend. Something to shore up so many unasked questions inside - so many unexpected and uncovered thoughts boiling under the surface - about ---------, about grad school, about my time management, about being diligent and disciplined and facing the future unafraid. About being brave and not letting fear hold me back.
Glad I am having lunch with ------- on Sunday. She will be a good person to talk to.
I am severely afflicted;
give me life, O Lord, according to your word!"
Still feel like I am in recovery mode from my questioning everything I believe in.
Still feel a little weak on my feet.
Light seems dim and I'm dedicated to moving forward now - I just don't know where, so I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark a little. I hope that despite me not feeling like I have direction - you would have what flickering light I'm carrying fall on those who need it - who I might otherwise have never intentionally gone to before.
Lord - You are infinitely good - I am sure of that in my soul... and I thank you for reminders of Your goodness and love in my life. May I cling to You - and hold on for dear life - in the midst of what feels like the pressing dark - to find rest in You and power and courage. Amen.
