July 2, 2014
Here O Lord are all my what-ifs and could-bes
All my might-have-beens, wish-it-weres, and maybe-will-bes
Here O Father are my dreams - my hopes - my fears
My insecurities
My quirks, my quisms, my doubts, my questions
and all my inabilities
Here are my talents, my passions, my possessions
my will
Everything I've accomplished - everything I've failed
promises broken - promises fulfilled.
These are my disappointments - and my pride
My desires, my wishes, and my avoidances
Everything I run to and away from
all my escape routes, last resorts, Plan Bs, and desperations
... I am out of them.
Here is me.
I will trust you incompletely
love you unfaithfully
doubt you readily.
I will fight you
and cling to you
cry to you - yell at you - need you desperately
I will rarely say I'm sorry
even if I know I'm wrong
and I'll try to be humble - unsuccessfully.
I will do my best
- and fail -
Miserably.
... and sometimes - I will not want to try again.
I am broken -
even while I consider myself "more put together"
than everyone else.
This is me.
Are you really SURE You still want in?
(Am I?)
I AM.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
July 1: Because New Beginnings Have to Start Somewhere
... Even if they're in the middle of the year.
July 1, 2014
Today could be a new beginning. It feels like one. One of those days where some inexplicable page is turned and suddenly I find myself in a whole new chapter.
It's been awhile since I've written or posted here - and I'm sorry. The main reason I've fallen so silent the past couple of months was that God and I were fighting. And like most private people, I don't like airing my fights in public... on top of which - I was giving Him the silent treatment a lot... so I didn't have a lot to write.
If you're wondering, I didn't win the argument ;) But we have been working things out - and in case you're worried, it's okay - I have started talking to Him again.
But you've been on my mind a lot - oh nebulous reader of mine - and there's been a lot of things I have wanted to say, but haven't - and maybe should have. Because even though God and I were fighting - I was learning at the same time - and maybe you needed to hear some of the same things I heard:
- Like how eating a chicken biscuit can be a prayer (it can). There's a story behind that one - and it's a simple one. But I need to figure out the telling of it before I can tell it.
- Like how being a fighter isn't a bad thing - How God appreciates and even blesses fighters. And I don't mean the nasty kind-of fighting that's all just name-calling and playing the blame game - but I mean the kind of honest fighting - when you lay all your frustrations and determinations out on the table and say "Look - I'm not giving up until we work this out. I'm not calling it quits until we've wrestled this through." And even when you know you've lost the argument and you can't even deny His supremacy you say: "I'm still not letting go!" How God actually loves that - and loves you for doing that - loves me for doing that. And if you don't believe me - read Genesis 32:22
Here's the thing though - I've been thinking about you and wanting to share these things with you. And I haven't because, well, because writing you is almost scarier than writing God. When I write Him, what I say really doesn't HAVE to matter - because it isn't going to "matter" compared to what He says - and because even though it doesn't "matter" compared to Him - it matters TO HIM - which is all I need to make it worthwhile for me to say it to Him at all.
But for you - I feel like it needs to matter to you. After all, if you're reading this - this is your time. And our time is the most precious thing we have at our disposal I have come to believe. And so, and if you are going to read this - I want it to matter to you.
I've been thinking about that for the past couple of days and deciding that if it's on my heart to tell you - then I need to, because maybe you need to hear it too. And anyways, I don't really know if anyone is actually reading this at all.
And if you are, maybe it's because you really did need to hear what I had to say, even if I'm not positive that it makes a lot of difference at all.
So here we go - a new kind of beginning.
I don't say that as though it's something completely novel. New beginnings are everywhere, they're every day - maybe every minute.
I have been experiencing a lot of death the past couple of months. And I don't mean death as in - people I love around me are dying or passing on - I mean a living death where I am not actually living life, just existing in it... which to me - is the worst kind of death of all.
But in my time with the Lord this morning I was wondering why I experience that regularly - because I do - this kind of death and then rebirth into a new beginning or a new chapter or a new phase - and sometimes I end up staying in that valley of the shadow for a long, long, long time (at least it feels like a very long time to me)...
The answer to that question (of why) that came very readily and very gently was: so that I wouldn't forget.
I wouldn't forget what rebirth and what life feels like - tastes like - how precious it is.
In tasting it anew it is a very fresh and very vivid reminder.
Psalm 138, verse 3 says, "On the day I called, you answered me; you made me bold in my soul with strength."
And today - I'm writing you because this whole endeavor needed a new beginning. A bold new beginning... that had to come from God making me strong in my soul.
So who knows, maybe you'll hear more directly from me in the future =)
I'll still be posting from my journal entry as I am able... but every once in awhile - maybe I need to sit down and look you in the eye and actually talk to you.
Love,
Whitney
July 1, 2014
Today could be a new beginning. It feels like one. One of those days where some inexplicable page is turned and suddenly I find myself in a whole new chapter.
It's been awhile since I've written or posted here - and I'm sorry. The main reason I've fallen so silent the past couple of months was that God and I were fighting. And like most private people, I don't like airing my fights in public... on top of which - I was giving Him the silent treatment a lot... so I didn't have a lot to write.
If you're wondering, I didn't win the argument ;) But we have been working things out - and in case you're worried, it's okay - I have started talking to Him again.
But you've been on my mind a lot - oh nebulous reader of mine - and there's been a lot of things I have wanted to say, but haven't - and maybe should have. Because even though God and I were fighting - I was learning at the same time - and maybe you needed to hear some of the same things I heard:
- Like how eating a chicken biscuit can be a prayer (it can). There's a story behind that one - and it's a simple one. But I need to figure out the telling of it before I can tell it.
- Like how being a fighter isn't a bad thing - How God appreciates and even blesses fighters. And I don't mean the nasty kind-of fighting that's all just name-calling and playing the blame game - but I mean the kind of honest fighting - when you lay all your frustrations and determinations out on the table and say "Look - I'm not giving up until we work this out. I'm not calling it quits until we've wrestled this through." And even when you know you've lost the argument and you can't even deny His supremacy you say: "I'm still not letting go!" How God actually loves that - and loves you for doing that - loves me for doing that. And if you don't believe me - read Genesis 32:22
Here's the thing though - I've been thinking about you and wanting to share these things with you. And I haven't because, well, because writing you is almost scarier than writing God. When I write Him, what I say really doesn't HAVE to matter - because it isn't going to "matter" compared to what He says - and because even though it doesn't "matter" compared to Him - it matters TO HIM - which is all I need to make it worthwhile for me to say it to Him at all.
But for you - I feel like it needs to matter to you. After all, if you're reading this - this is your time. And our time is the most precious thing we have at our disposal I have come to believe. And so, and if you are going to read this - I want it to matter to you.
I've been thinking about that for the past couple of days and deciding that if it's on my heart to tell you - then I need to, because maybe you need to hear it too. And anyways, I don't really know if anyone is actually reading this at all.
And if you are, maybe it's because you really did need to hear what I had to say, even if I'm not positive that it makes a lot of difference at all.
So here we go - a new kind of beginning.
I don't say that as though it's something completely novel. New beginnings are everywhere, they're every day - maybe every minute.
I have been experiencing a lot of death the past couple of months. And I don't mean death as in - people I love around me are dying or passing on - I mean a living death where I am not actually living life, just existing in it... which to me - is the worst kind of death of all.
But in my time with the Lord this morning I was wondering why I experience that regularly - because I do - this kind of death and then rebirth into a new beginning or a new chapter or a new phase - and sometimes I end up staying in that valley of the shadow for a long, long, long time (at least it feels like a very long time to me)...
The answer to that question (of why) that came very readily and very gently was: so that I wouldn't forget.
I wouldn't forget what rebirth and what life feels like - tastes like - how precious it is.
In tasting it anew it is a very fresh and very vivid reminder.
Psalm 138, verse 3 says, "On the day I called, you answered me; you made me bold in my soul with strength."
And today - I'm writing you because this whole endeavor needed a new beginning. A bold new beginning... that had to come from God making me strong in my soul.
So who knows, maybe you'll hear more directly from me in the future =)
I'll still be posting from my journal entry as I am able... but every once in awhile - maybe I need to sit down and look you in the eye and actually talk to you.
Love,
Whitney
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