March 29: Psalm 62

March 29, 2014

Jason and I took a drive up the parkway today... in an effort for me to clear my head - well - for both of us really. It helped some but I found that the problems I tried to lay at your feet were sitting on our front door step when we got back... Not screaming the same way they were before... but still nagging and threatening to distract me from any kind of lucid thought. Feel like my head is too full of too many things. 

I thought maybe writing them out would help - but now I'm not so sure.

... This has been the most frustrating thing: back and forth - seesawing on decisions - so that I feel it takes me hours to make a decision that should really just have taken me moments... 

Nothing seems to help right now - silence - stillness - music - writing - distraction - play... 

Every time they quiet and fade I turn around and find them again. 

I keep laying them at Your feet and I hear You keep saying to me: Be still - stop worrying - live with joy. 

Really? "Don't worry - Be Happy." THAT'S the message You're giving me right now?!

And it's so hard for me to believe - I keep doubting it and thinking it is my own laziness speaking - it's this false lull that is keeping me from tackling and addressing these fears and anxieties - about the present - about the future - about the past... Truly, truly, that thought cannot be from You: "Don't worry - Be happy" is NOT a message the Almighty God with mighty plans to answer mighty problems would tell me about my life. 

... Yet it's there... every time I turn around - in the small things like finding peace for the first time in days in laying aside all the things that need to be done - are supposed to be done - to escape into the rain - drive through fog - walk through mist - take a nap in the car. 
In a pup that demands play relentlessly despite my earnest attempts to write out all my fears in an effort to finally conquer them. 
In the easiest decision I've made all day being to say no to more activities - and deciding on the simpler: on the staying at home. 

In the quiet whisper that says, "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him." 

"Don't worry... Be happy." 

It isn't a mantra for life - I know - it isn't what You ALWAYS say - Just what I am being told over and over and over right now - and what I am doubting over and over and over right now. 

I want it validated by some third party I can trust - as though the Holy Spirit in agreement within me were not trustworthy enough... I do not trust myself - especially when it comes to not worrying - to being happy - in the here and now and not fretting about all the things I need to fix. 

Look - I know it in my soul - IN MY SOUL - and yet I want someone to say to me: It's OK Whitney. It's O.K. to let go. It's okay to go with the flow. 

IT'S NOT. My instincts say. Be proactive - be productive. Things never happen on their own and change must happen now... it must at least begin now - or it will never happen. 

I MUST DO SOMETHING! 
I MUST!!!!

... why?

I hear You ask... and hate that You ask. 

Because things don't magically happen Lord... Because change and good change doesn't just fall into your lap - because if you want something (even if you aren't sure what it is you want) you must be in pursuit... because if I stop... if I don't... then what does that mean about me? Then WHO AM I if I am not doing???

Mine. 

You say simply... and I hate You for saying it. Because then what does that mean about what I am supposed to do?

Just sit around? Like a bump on a log? Stagnate? Rot away? Die? 

And as I say that I know how utterly absurd that is - that I would think You would ever let that happen to me... You so clearly have never let that happen before... 

But what does that mean about right now - about what you have called me to RIGHT. NOW.

Don't Worry... and Be Happy. 

Stop trying to answer all the questions. 

Live - even thrive - in the midst of the insecurities - of the unknowns. 

Find joy in the nonsensical - beauty in the impractical. 

Rejoice in the everyday of life. 

Be willing to be random. 

Be okay with not being productive. 

Find peace in the midst of unsettlement. 

Find rest - find joy - find life - in God alone. 

     Everywhere - Present in and over the mundane and the extra ordinary and the extraordinary - 

and learn to live abundantly. 

                                             NOT productively. 

That is a gift I do not want Lord. 

I want to do. 

I want to manufacture. 

          And yet for all my strife and toiling and effort and fretting and all consuming scheming... I am nothing but frustrated, disappointed, angry, antisocial, dissatisfied, and upset. 

I am exhausted and desperate and overwhelmed - as though my life were one giant never-ending Whack-A-Mole game with the same problems popping up again and again and again no matter how hard or how often I hit them... 

Peace - peace - my child! Find rest in me alone!

I am your hope and salvation - 

     I am your strength and your life - 

One thing God has spoken - two things have I heard: 

that you, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord are loving. 

And then this last line: 

"Surely you will reward each person according to what he has done." 

... 

... I admit defeat Father... 

I am done. 

I don't know what more to do - 

Because I feel that for all my trying - I have been able to actually DO nothing. 

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. 

Amen. 

My soul finds rest in You, O Lord. 

My doing finds its doing in You alone. 

I surrender. 

And I will be joyful in the DOING NOTHING - but in the Being. and the Living. 

... at least... I will try. 

Help me Father. 

Help me not to worry - and to be happy - and to live abundantly. 

Here are my worries - my cares - my concerns - my problems - my issues - my questions - my pride - 

I lay them down and ask to breathe deeply and fully and to stop... Just to stop Lord... 

And just to be... and be okay with just being. 

Amen. 

Amen and Amen... 

... and Amen. 

March 19: Psalm 108

March 19, 2014

Last entry in this journal - I've been going through them pretty quickly... Maybe "talking" too much =P

Had a rough day yesterday in attitude and so sick of the winter and cold and not being able to breathe. Today feels so much clearer in more ways than one. Maybe because we took yesterday evening off and had a restful night - maybe because Mom prayed for me - but woke up this morning much clearer in my lungs than I have been the past week and in a much better mood. 

Still feel a little worn out and in need of a "reset" - but luckily Jason is taking tomorrow off with me and I'm looking forward to a nice day off with him. Been so tired lately - in need of a day of rest and this weekend is going to be kinda busy. 

Psalm 108

I read the Psalm before starting today and have been pondering over the words "steadfast heart" and "glory."
What does it mean to have a steadfast heart Lord? What would it mean to be able to say that about myself/my life?

I don't know that I've ever had a steadfast heart - one wholly devoted to You - unwavering - determined... Your steadfast love I can kind-of see and understand - but I'm not sure how to apply those concepts to my heart. Is it possible for us as humans to have a steadfast heart? What did David mean when he wrote that? I wonder if he is one of the only ones to write that about himself... it makes me think about John and calling himself the "beloved disciple" - there's such a confidence there of relationship with You in both cases. Firm assurance in their identities in relation to You. Is my heart set on You Father? I know I am YOUR Beloved - are You mine? I want You to be... more and more my focus and my determination. 

Why? Because You love me like that - Because I want to love other people like that - Because that is the only kind of love that transforms - Because it is the only kind of love that matters - Because there is nothing greater or better for my life to be about. 

Make my heart steadfast Father - help me to become more the person You designed me to be - a better reflection and conduit of You. 

Change my heart, O God
Make it ever true
Change my heart, O God
May I be like You. 



The second thing that caught my attention is how glory and "all my being" are used interchangeably/translated interchangeably here (and in other places consistently I think). I like how Your glory is Your very essence - Your very being - so when David prays: "Let your glory be over all the earth!" He's really praying that Your being - Your presence - would permeate and invade every area of our world. When Paul says (I think in Philippians? Maybe Galatians?) that we all with unveiled faces are being transformed from glory unto glory as we gaze upon You - it means that our very essences - our very beings - are becoming more and more like Your essence - Your being. 

When David prays "for the sake of Your glory - bring salvation" - he is saying not because we merit it - not because we deserve it - but because of who You are - for the sake of Your name - from the basis that it is Your nature - it is Your personality - it is You - to love and forgive. It is who you are - From that aspect is what David is praying for. 

And when we say we want all we do to be to Your glory - we want it to be alongside of - in connection to - because of - driven by - attributed to: who You are - Your being - Your personality. Because of who You are. 

The fullness of You... 
And I want my glory (the fullness of me) to be spent in glorifying, extolling, continuing, perpetuating - the fullness of who You are - Your mystery - Your power - Your love. 

"My heart is steadfast, O God!" 
    "I will sing and make melody with all my being/glory." 

 Father I pray that someday I may be able to say that - 
    That my heart is steadfast
     That I worship you with all my being. 

By Your glory - by Who You are - by Your love - that transforms our hearts - help me Father to get there someday I pray. 
Amen. 

March 17: Psalm 107

March 17, 2014

Woke up this morning feeling like I needed a reset button. Had a good weekend with Anna Grace and Jared but feel like I need to jump back on the train of my life. It doesn't help that this morning dawned cold and chilly and wet and miserable. 

We're so done with winter. 

I know all things happen for a reason and this persistent winter is all a part of a larger plan. Weather is never as random as it seems... But I'm beginning to feel like the Narnians - stuck in the clutch of an everlasting winter. Suddenly the misery of that becomes all too clear. 

I feel closed off and not listening to You right now. Like I'm stubbornly covering my ears refusing to hear what You may be asking me. Like I'm waiting for things to go "my way." Even though I'm not even sure what it is I want - somehow I seem to think it's better than what You want. At the same time I feel belligerent - like I'm arguing that I AM trying to listen - when really, even the argument is a deflection from really having to listen... 
I know that - and I'm not sure how to change it. 

Last time I finally lowered my hands and gave in You told me to quit my job at National... and now I think I'm terrified that You'll tell me to have a kid... and all those thoughts of grad school will go flying out the window. 
And even grad school I'm not sure I even want - or whether that is running from a potential life of being a mom and a writer - and having to actually take personal responsibility for my work. 

Maybe all of it is running from writing the book that is somewhere in there - in me - if I would just honestly give it a chance at digging it out. 

I don't know where to start with any of this: school, kids, book, writing... I feel lost before I even begin and all of those I feel like are things that you're definitely supposed to have at least SOME sort of direction before beginning. I hate feeling like I'm haphazardly careening along in life, trying to make decisions that affect not just my life - but Jason's and eventually, our family's life. 

... Which is maybe why I'm avoiding confronting all of the above. 

And then I just get more and more frustrated with myself because I'm paralyzed and not moving out of fear. 

Fear will drive you - Faith will lead you - but what if you feel like you aren't moving at all? 

Trust and obey - for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey... 
... But what if I'm not sure what I'm supposed to obey? Especially if I feel like for some reason I instinctually have my hands over my ears - because I'm not sure what You're going to say - but I can guarantee it isn't going to be easy - And I'm not sure I am ready to hear it yet.

I want to be... 
... but I'm not sure I really am... at least, definitely not to the point where I'm actually going to take my hands down and listen. 

I'll try to get there Lord - but I'll need Your help - and I'm getting impatient with myself for the delay I feel like I'm causing.

Psalm 107

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, 
   for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, 
   whom he has redeemed from trouble
and gathered in from the lands, 
   from the east and from the west, 
   from the north and from the south. 

Some wandered in desert wastes, 
   finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty, 
   their soul fainted within them. 
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, 
   and he delivered them from their distress. 

He led them by a straight way, 
   till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, 
   for his wondrous works to the children of man!
For he satisfies the longing soul, 
   and the hungry soul he fills with good things."

In the midst of not being sure of the way to go Father, thank you for this Promise today... thank you for the reminder and help me cling to this: You will lead me by a straight way till I have reached the point You would like for me and our family to dwell in for awhile. 

Faint and weary - let me not give up on looking to You. May You be my guide and my mover Lord... I thank you for today. Amen. 
Your daughter - Woo

March 14: Psalm 106

March 14, 2014

Whew - finally... feels like the past two days have been whirlwinds of activity and it is good to finally sit and find time to be - with You. 

Life is so full of so many "needs" - makes me think of Martha and Mary and You saying "only one thing is needed - and she has chosen the better part. It shall not be taken away from her." Today with the sun streaming in the window and Apple Rose playing next to me - it makes me wonder why we fill up our days with anything other than basking in the beauty of Your Creation and rejoicing in life. I think work is good for our souls - but it was meant to be in season and collaborative - and a part of bearing fruit (and not just physical fruit) in our lives. How different Eden and what You had intended must have looked from where we are today. Suddenly all the pastoral fantasies and utopias look more realistic and reasonable in that context than all the toil and silliness of what we work at today. 

Psalm 106
Reading the account of the Israelite nation - how many times they failed in their covenant with You - how many times You remained faithful in Your covenant with them - never leaving them - never forsaking them - though You brought terrible consequences down upon their heads and rebuked them in Your love... In all those ways I am so reminded of my walk with You. How quickly and easily I forget Your deliverance - doubt Your providence - abandon our relationship for other more enticing/pressing/"sensible" things or beliefs - distractions. 

Yet no matter how many times - no matter that I brought it upon myself - 
"Nevertheless - you look upon my distress, 
   when you hear my cry. 
For my sake You remember Your covenant, 
   and relent according to the abundance of Your steadfast love." 

What an incredible promise of love. I think often I take the absoluteness of Your love so for granted in my life. I hear it and feel it like sometimes it's like a mom saying to her kid "I love you" or sometimes something I will just say to Jason - I say it without really hearing what I'm saying or what they're saying...
But You mean it every time You say it - fully aware of what it cost You - still costs You - never once forgetting or being unaware of what it means for You to love me - for You to love us.

Nevertheless - no matter what - You hear us when we cry out - even if we desrve where we are - even if You put us there - You hear us and remember - choose - Your love for us. No matter how many times - or how royally we screw up. 

That is a beautiful and wonderful gift... Love bought at incredible sacrifice... at a price I didn't pay - but You paid so that You could love me and I could once again love You. 

Thank You Father - today a simple prayer of gratitude for your great love for us. 

Thank You Lord. Amen and Amen and Amen. 

March 12: Psalm 105

March 12, 2014

I always worry after being gone so long and missing my journal time that maybe I'm going to fall off of doing it diligently again and it'll be months - maybe even years - before I start again... But it's always such a relief when I do come back to it and find myself home again. 

Little Apple is certainly relieved. She has missed the extra cuddle time and was waiting eagerly for me to sit on the couch and start. She immediately crawled into my lap - curled up in her little "lima bean" and breathed a sigh of "at last!"

Funny how accurately that depicts how I feel right now... 

The days lately have been decidedly spring-ish - for which I am incredibly grateful. I think tomorrow may bring a snap of cold - but I'm hoping that Spring will persist and override it like a bump in the road. 

Jason got the job and starts in April - and 2014 continues to steadily march on with many new beginnings - which I feel I am already falling behind on! 
A quarter of the year gone... Time flows by so quickly it's hard to catch my breath. 

For now it's good to cuddle with my sweet little gift of a pupdog and rest in Your Word - trying to lay the burdens of my life before You in trust in Your timing - Your wisdom - Your plan. 

Psalm 105
I love how the Israelites recounted all that You had accomplished in their nation - from the very beginning until their present moment... I'v often thought it would be neat to do that - Recount all that You had accomplished in my life. I suppose that is what our testimonies are all about: Bearing witness to the fruit and evidence of Your work in our lives. 

"Seek the Lord and his strength;
   Seek his presence continually!" (v.4)

Like armor on the soul... 

Sleepy... having a hard time concentrating. 

I was thinking about the plagues on Egypt and wondering - why the plagues? Why harden Pharaoh's heart and have all of that happen?

We often see the deliverance out of Egypt as a picture for our deliverance out of captivity to sin - our slave master... But it's interesting to think of that in context of the plagues... 
Was it part of that picture? Or to prove that You could to the Israelites so that they would never forget? To prove to the nations that You were supreme and calling Israel out and apart as a separate nation?

Maybe all of the above and reasons I can't see... 
It's just hard to read all that happened and not feel sorry for the Egyptians... 

Agh... so sleepy... 

I think I better rest a little... brain is still groggy and this hour difference from daylight savings I still haven't caught up to yet... 

Lord - I pray that my life would be wrapped around seeking Your presence continually - always - no matter the circumstance. Help me Father to keep looking. 
Amen. 

March 7: Psalm 104

March 7, 2014

More snow today. I was more upset about it last night than I am this morning. Right now with the day off anyways - snuggled with a blanket and little Apple Rose - and caught up on my blog, it feels nice and magical and beautiful to be snowed in again. 

I'm reminded of a dream I had vividly when I was little - almost like a vision - when we were at Mount Chestnut - of this deep snow falling and I ran outside and there's this beautiful white polar bear - black, black eyes and black nose - standing in the snow - just regarding me as I regarded him - and it was so silent you could hear the snow falling - 

And then I woke up. The vivid senses of that dream have stayed with me every since though - fresh and clear - almost more fresh and clear than many of my memories - and the snow that was falling at the time was like this - so light as to almost be like a rainy mist... So gentle you almost couldn't see it... 

I love how magic invades my life. The days I am so strongly aware of it and I could believe any myth - accept that this world is only a thin veil of the true world that is filled with so much adventure and secret and creatures of magic and mystery - beyond science - beyond fact - beyond our comprehension - Full to bursting with the unimaginable around every corner. 

I feel like I see it - out of my peripheral vision - always just barely catching a glimpse of the greater world that lies beneath the surface of things and subtly laughs and hints from flickers of shadow and light... Right there - in the corner ofour eyes. We turn our head and we miss it and they're gone. 

I love days like today... 

And feel sad because I want to catch more of it than just the flickers on the edges. I want to run into the forest searching for the fairies and the nymphs - hugging the trees that are quietly laughing at me in my joy and frenzy and flop on my back to peer up into that silent mysterious sky as the snow silently falls with its gentle shush, shush, shush... hear the sound of my own breath and own heartbeat - so loud in comparison - and wonder at the quiet majesty and splendor of life - in that briefest of moments - when the whole world and its constructs fade - leaving only the wild mystery of the snow and the sky and the trees and life... I want to hold onto those moments - sink into that world and be suspended - out of time and place and the flimsy structures we manufacture to frame our lives - rather than set ourselves free. 

Then the small dog next to me sighs and stretches and shows me her belly for rubs in her sleep and I am reminded that there are good reasons to be in the Here and Now. There are good reasons to stay within this world - even with all its silly frameworks - she is only a small one of those reasons... but a good reminder and one day... one day I'll make it to that other world of wonder and mystery when all things come alive with their full magic and mystery. Rather than just giving me teasing hints and glimpses of it out of the corners of my eyes - I'll be able to gaze on it - full in its wonderful face. 

Psalm 104

What a gift of a Psalm to read when I am enraptured by all the beauty and majesty and mystery of this world that You have created!

How it takes my breath away to be swept up into seeing the oceans withdraw from the mountains - to see the springs gushing forth to give life - the trees budding with fruit - the animals rejoicing - the earth full and lush with Your majesty and being... 

O Lord - how manifold your works!

    In wisdom have you made them all. 

I will sing to the Lord as long as I live;

   I will sing praise to my God while I have being. 

May my meditation be pleasing to him, 

   for I rejoice in the Lord.

Let sinners be consumed from the earth, 

   and let the wicked be no more!

Bless the Lord, O my soul!

   Praise the Lord!

I hesitated on the last verse - but then realized - no, it IS what I want - for this world to be restored - for us to revel again in Your creation, free as we were meant to be - it is what my heart longs for - though I will wait willingly with you in long-suffering - that any and all who are willing may be gathered in to play in this most wondrous of Secret Gardens. Amen. 

March 5: Psalm 103

March 5, 2014

First day back to work in what feels like awhile.
Not particularly looking forward to it... Not dreading it which is nice - but just gotten used to being lazy. It'll be good for me to go to work and have to snap out of that. 

Enjoying my time this morning with Apple Rose. She is curious about my journal - wondering what is so intriguing about something she can't eat or chew on... but I'm just happy to snuggle. 

It's been such a joy to have her in our lives. Jason and I marvel over her often. Thank you for the gift of love of her to us. 

Psalm 103
One of my favorite Psalms of all... 

Bless the Lord, O my soul, 
   And all that is within me, 
Bless his holy name!

This psalm is full of so many great promises and great truths to remember... truths I have built my life on and around because I'm not sure what I would do or who I would be without them. 

I ask myself that sometimes. Why do I believe what I believe? Is it really true or am I dangerously basing my entire life around a lie?

When I travel far enough back asking myself - "What if this isn't true?" then often I am left with emptiness and meaninglessness in life. If there is nothing that is true that we can believe in - then I feel like we are left looking at each other wondering what it is we are supposed to do with our lives and what difference does it make that we are living at all. I believe that people all choose a belief system to answer the why of why they do anything in life - so I feel that I have equal reasoning to choose Christianity over others. 

I think it makes more logic/cohesive sense than any other system I've considered and to me I sense greater truths - or at least - truths that have all come together - and have their "head" - their being - their reasoning - their purpose - in the person of Christ and His claims - 
But none of that answers why I believe... 

Ultimately I think I believe simply because I do... and that is the hardest to explain. 

These truths I cling to - not only because I need them to exist - to continue on - to have purpose - but because I believe they are true. They ring with a truth that creates a resonating hum in me - and that is enough for me. 
I have had that resonation in other belief systems - in other religions' concepts - Buddhism, paganism, sufism even atheism, agnosticism, and skepticism - that resonation of truth isn't exclusively in Christianity - it isn't even limited exclusively to organized belief systems, but sprinkled throughout my entire life, entire experience, entire world, in almost anything I encounter I find those truths. 

But ultimately when I follow those truths back I find they have their fullest expression in Christianity and Christ - suddenly the pieces become clear and begin to fall in place to frame my life and help me give this mess of a world some structure in meaning - in purpose - in being. You are the Logos - the underlying philosophy for my world - by which all other philosophies and beliefs find their place and their meaning. 

What truths? What promises in this Psalm? 

Bless the Lord, o my soul, 
    and forget not all his benefits: 

What Promises?
> Who forgives ALL your iniquity
> Who heals ALL your diseases
> Who redeems your life from the pit
> Who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy
> Who satisfies you with good, 
          so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's

What truths about our God?
> The Lord works righteousness and justice for all who are oppressed
> He made known His ways to Moses, 
           his acts to the people of Israel. 
> The Lord is merciful and gracious
> Slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love
> He will not always chide, 
            nor will he keep his anger forever
> He does not deal with us according to our sins,
> Nor repay us according to our iniquities
> For as high as the heavens are above the earth, 
            so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
> As far as the east is from the west, 
             so far does he remove our transgressions from us. 
> As a father shows compassion to his children, 
             so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him
> For He knows our frame;
             he remembers that we are dust. 

What truths about us?
> As for man, his days are like grass;
             he flourishes like a flower of the field
    For the wind passes over it, and it is gone.
              And its place knows it no more

What truths about God in relation/contrast/response to these truths about us?
> But the steadfast love of the Lords is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, 
> And his righteousness to children's children, 
               to those who keep his covenant
               and remember to do his commandments.
> The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, 
               and his kingdom rules over all. 

What then is our response?
> Bless the Lord, O you his angels, 
                you mighty ones who do his word, 
                obeying the voice of his word!
> Bless the Lord, all his hosts, his ministers who do his will!
> Bless the Lord, all his works, in all places of his dominion. 
> Bless the Lord, O my soul!



Father - engrave this on my heart today. I want those truths to sink in and water deep the core and sustenance of who I am - why I live - what my meaning and purpose is in life. Help me Father to be filled with You. Amen. 

March 4: Psalm 102

March 4, 2014

Today dawned cold and blue. Even with the apartment thermostat set to 75 it's chilly. 

I feel like the cold has invaded me. Made it through yesterday and did well (I think) in staying focused on grad school research - though the process is stirring all kinds of anxiety and stress. It feels overwhelming just to think about it and I find myself battling the urge to tuck tail and flee before I even start. 

I wonder to myself "Why am I doing this to myself? If this is how terrified I am of the research and admissions process - how much more terrifying is actually going to grad school going to be?" For someone who has always been pretty confident in my academic abilities - I find myself doubting them severely now. Grad school is not undergrad... and maybe I've gotten too lazy - maybe I've gotten stupidier... It certainly feels in many ways that I have! In the very least - less cocky and less sure of myself - which I feel like is half the battle with academics to start with. 

Blegh - when did I become so defeated in life? I used to believe anything was possible - the sky was the limit - nothing held me back - now I find myself fighting to believe in the smallest possibilities and urging myself to move forward when the only current obstacle is my fear and confusion. 

And right now my anxiety runs rampant. Give it an inch and it takes a mile. It doesn't help that hormones are going crazy and that Jason's work is going through a complete shuffle and the potential new job is up in the air. Uncertainty everywhere I turn.. 

Look up - Look up - I hear you say. 
And though I know all these rumblings look like ant hill movements from on high - They have such a direct and immediate effect on our lives that it is hard to stand firm in the shakings - 
Be still and trust to the point of knowing that I AM God. 

My anxiety invades me - the fear grips me - and it's the same irrational terror that had me in it's grasp with the finances last year - thought I feel it's more subtle this time - like a slow poison rather than a death grip squeezing the life out of me. 

I know it sounds melodramatic to say that - the fear is so great on things that really, truly, are so small - But that's just the thing... I recognize it's insignificance and yet it really feels like it's consuming and eating away at me. 

I need your help to get out because I'm really not sure... It feels like defeatism within defeatism - 
Start climbing, you say, and don't worry about how far you've come - just keep looking to where you're going. Let's go - let's go - no standing around delaying - let your hand hit the rock - your fingers find the crevice - your toes the foothold - and let's go. You cannot unravel the puzzle from the ground. 

First step - first touch - read my Word... and from there we'll start climbing. 

Psalm 102
You really have a gentle loving great sense of humor. I smiled reading the title: 
"A prayer of one afflicted, when he is faint and pours out his complain before the Lord."

(v. 1)   "Hear my prayer, O Lord;
                   let my cry come to you!
(v. 2)     Do not hide your face from me
                    in the day of my distress!
              Incline your ear to me;
                    answer me speedily in the day when I call
(v. 17)    The Lord builds up Zion 
                     he appears in his glory, 
               he regards the prayer of the destitute
                     and does not despise their prayer. 

(v.18)     Let this be recorded for a generation to come, 
                      so that people yet to be created may praise the Lord;
(v.19)     That he looked down from his holy height;
                      from heaven the Lord looked at the earth,
(v.20)      To hear the groans of the prisoners, 
                       to set free those who were doomed to die."

Sometimes Father there is nothing better than to lay down and rest in You. 

Thank You for that time today. Thank you for calming the anxiety and fear - for invading me with Your peace. Help me Father in my weakness... 
And thank You father for my weakness that turns me always back to You. 

Help me today to be quiet and still in my soul and to rest in You because I am weary from the burdens I should not have carried. At the same time - don't let me baby myself into uselessness and lethargy. 
Amen. 

March 3: Psalm 101

March 3, 2014

Rainy morning. They were calling for snow and now it's coming down wet and fluffy. All I can think is: "Please don't stick!" I'm not usually such a winter-wimp, but I am so ready for Spring it isn't even funny. 

Been awhile since I posted up my journal... not since the last big entry. Need to catch up. Funny how that happens - I have this kind-of explosion and then go quiet again. 

Due to the weather we may not open the store today. Loss of 6 hours on a light work week is going to really put a strain on the budget again. Seems like this always happens when National offers me a job again... almost as though someone is testing me: Are you SURE you want to stay with a part-time job getting paid so little and having a screwed-up schedule?? Are you REALLY SURE?

Makes me wonder if I'm missing something and I ought to go back. I don't want to - but part of me wonders if that's why I should. Sounds stupid I know but I've grown up all my life understanding that you have to do stuff you don't want to do... sometimes I think I twist that mentality into thinking: if you don't want to do it - then maybe that means you're supposed to.

Jason made a good point though - Spring is around the corner - and on the days that it has been nice we have been really, really busy at the store. Hopefully that means that as the weather warms up - things with work will even out. He's applying for a new job at Carter - there's a good chance he might get it - so we will have to see what that means for us too. 

Feels like that is our life right now - waiting for Spring - waiting for new beginnings - waiting to feel like we're getting started instead of running behind. I want warmth. I want to be outside. I want to WANT to be outside - and active - instead of cooped up inside - lulled to sleep. I have felt so lethargic and drabby and whiny: Why won't Spring come?

And I feel like I use that as an excuse for why I am staying stuck in all the mucky ruts I'm in: 
> Not researching grad schools
> Not exercising
> Not eating healthily 
> Being grumpy and morose. 

I keep saying, "when I have time," "when it warms up," "when I can get outside and breathe fresh air again." 
Feels like those days are forever in coming and I know that we need to learn to live abundantly and fruitfully in all circumstances... but I don't feel that I am doing that well right now. 

... Looks like it is sticking and starting to look icy... I might as well resign myself to staying in and cuddling with the cutest and sweetest puppy in the world... 
... To lay aside fears about money and guilt about how lazy, fat, and useless I am getting - and focus on the Spring in the heart. 
   The Easter of our Lord and Savior
   My friend
   My comforter
   My intercessor
   Author and finisher of my faith
   My life.

Lord help me today to be consumed not by the things of this world that swallow and shrink my world to my circumstances and current situation - but rather to be filled up and expanded by Your life - Your promises, sure in every circumstance - and the new life and renewal and resurrection that is found in Your Son who is fiercely and exuberantly joyful and alive. 
May that life fill me today Lord - dried up and dead - may it fill me so that I would be a tree planted by streams of living water - fruitful and strong even in the midst of famine... and winter... and ice storms... and snow. 
In your most holy and precious name I pray - Amen. 

Psalm 101 
I feel like this Psalm is a psalm fathers should post over the mantle of their house. I say that half-joking and half-not - because the first part of the Psalm is pretty awesome - and by the end it gets a little extreme. Definitely one of the more hard core Psalms that I've read... I feel like I can imagine the kid reading that on the door of his father's study before needing to go in and talk to his dad about a lie he told his mom and was caught in - and gulping hard by that last line. 

In some ways I'm tempted to feel like the psalm is a little over the top - a little comical in it's extremities - because if all the deceivers in the world were eradicated no one would be left. 

At the same time - I do feel like the kid reading this on her father's study door - because this IS the standard You hold us to... this is Your house's motto. I think back over this past week on thoughtless things I said - hurtful, cutting remarks clothed in niceties to "make my point" - gossip about others - perversity of my heart - setting before my eyes worthless things to entertain me and eat up my time. 
Because of my unwillingness to hold myself to a life of integrity - I settle for a life of spiritual mediocrity - saying "I try in most of my life to be a decent human being - that's enough - right?"

... I'm often frustrated by the thought that we humans fail more often than we should because we accept failure as a given... as a cop out. We would prefer not to make the necessary sacrifices it would take to truly accomplish all that we are capable of - so we pronounce it impossible so we don't have to try. 
I know that too often that is true of my life. I justify it by saying I'm not doing too bad - because really - by the world's standards - I'm really not... 
   but those aren't the standards I'm being measured by.

"I will sing of steadfast love and justice;
   to you, O Lord, I will make music. 
I will ponder the way that is blameless, 
   Oh when will you come to me?
I will walk with integrity of heart within my house;
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless
I hate the work of those who fall away (give up);
   it shall not cling to me.
A perverse heart shall be far from me;
   I will know nothing of evil." 

I hate the work of those who fall away - I read also - those who give up on living this life... 

I have often thought to myself: how many marriages end because the two people give up on believing that they can find reconciliation and new life and new love in You? How many children in this world go hungry and sick and untreated because we have given up on believing that we could change that? Though we have the resources - the effort and the change of life it would require across the world is "too much." How many lives are wasted chasing after useless things - instead of nurturing talents - nurturing life - nurturing beauty - nurturing relationship - wasted - why? Because "that's the way things are" - "that's how things are 'supposed to be'" - what everyone is "supposed to do" - because you "have to do what you have to do" - to make ends meet. 

How often do I give up before I even try? 
Because I'm "too busy" - because the weather is "too cold" - because it's "too silly - "too expensive" - "too impractical" - "too impossible" - We give up so easily and so readily... and our lives become about telling other people everything they shouldn't try doing - because if they try and succeed we know somewhere inside the question remains: "Did we fail because we didn't even try?"

This is the perversity of my heart Lord.
This is what is in me. 
Even in reading this Psalm I say, "but I can't do that - that's impossible - NO human could live with such integrity." 
And Your Holy Spirit says, "True... but that's no excuse for not trying." 

Even in the little things I think of in cutting out worthless things before me - like mindless entertainment in tv and video games - I instantly start justifying it saying, "It's not so bad! It's not wrong to have!" and it isn't wrong - but I know in my heart that those are things I use as an escape from living a life of intentionality and integrity. 

I know when we're all talking about that one person who rubs us the wrong way - that making fun of them, especially behind their back, is wrong and destructive - and I know I could end it by pointing that out - but too often I don't... and even worse than staying silent - I sometimes share a story or a laugh at that person's expense (how telling and accurate that phrase is). 

"Whoever has a haughty look and an arrogant heart
   I will not endure"
Even if that's ME? Will I refuse to endure that in my own heart?

"Morning by morning I will destroy all the wicked in the land, 
   cutting off all the evildoers from the city of the Lord." 

I am the city of the Lord. 
I am the house in which no deceit shall dwell
I am the land of the Lord where the faithful and blameless shall dwell. 

Lord - I confess to You the perversity of my heart. My own insistent "excusing" and "copping out" - my own failure. It is true - and I know it is true - that I cannot (no one can) live up to the life outlined in this psalm and the standards to which Your Son lived perfectly - blamelessly - spotless - but that is the life to which You have called me - to press onward -t o lay hold off - to wrestle and train - as olympic athletes wrestle and train to defy the "impossible" as limitations the world places upon us. We know that according to human history such a thing has never been done - such a record has never been beat - but that doesn't stop us from living and training ourselves as though perhaps we may be the first. 

I do not have an olympic heart by nature Lord. I don't like pushing myself hard or holding unreal expectations that I know I will probably fail - or at least believe I will fail - at. 
I think my expectations of myself and my life are higher than many - but they are not as high as Yours. 

And though there is no condemnation in failure - there is also no excuse in giving up. 

Even in finishing my time with You Lord - my tendency is to want to tuck this back away where it is comfortable: in theory and not in practice in my life. 
My tendency right now is to want to turn on the t.v. - play the video game - escape the ennui of another day stuck inside - when it could be rich with catching up on many things... rejoicing in You... pondering anew what the Almighty can do - since through Your Son you have befriended me.

Through Your Son we have the power and the Holy Spirit to begin living our lives to impossible standards: to loving unlovable others - to living daily lives of integrity - to answering the needs of poverty, and hunger, and sickness, and the desperate need for love and healing - to being fruitful in the midst of famine - to being light in a world of darkness... 
And though we are not expected or held accountable to succeeding - we are held and called to and expected to live a life of trying. 

That is exciting, and invigorating, and terrifying - and so fragile for me right now. Even now the temptation to slip back into mediocrity and comfortability is strong. Father - help me. Help me to keep pushing like a spiritual Olympic athlete - to do the impossible - to accomplish all that cannot be done - through Your Holy Spirit - through the power of Your Son. 
May I overcome the fear and distress and the disheartening that keeps me from even trying - with the help of Your Spirit - Your Church - and Your love. 

Create in me a new heart O Lord
And renew a right spirit within me. 

Amen.