May 13, 2014
Good morning Lord.
Been awhile since I have written. Feels like it anyways. But I feel rejuvenated - more ready to come and be with You without counting the minutes and trying to make this one "count."
We have been busy - too busy - but there's light at the end of the tunnel and I can feel our boat beginning to turn around (if that isn't an awful mix of metaphors - I don't know what is).
I think maybe the fact we're planning a vacation - maybe I finally got some sleep last night - maybe just today I feel past the hump of activities planned and now it's just getting through each day of this week one day at a time.... I'm not sure - just more ready to take on the world, not merely survive it.
Psalm 121
Been needing a refocus - a "lifting my eyes up" moment. Still feel fractured and scattered mentally - but feel like I am slowly coming together again.
I lift my eyes up to the hills
From where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
Behold, he who keeps Israel
will not slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper;
The Lord is your shade on your right hand.
The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all evil;
He will keep your life.
The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.
On my heart this morning for some reason are all the school teachers who have children looking to them for help.
Father strengthen and help them - may they look to you for strength and shade and deliverance - and commit into Your capable and powerful and loving hands all their kids. May those kids experience some of Your love and care through their teachers - and today Father - may those teachers experience Your love and care for them. You are our great Teacher - good and awesome and brilliant. May our hearts learn.
Settle me Father - back into a rhythm of growth - back into a balance of rest and activity. May I not leave undone those things that should be done- but may I also leave time to be - time to breathe - and live and give thanks.
Here is my day Father. Fresh and laid out before You - may it bring You honor and praise I pray.
And Father - guard me from the anxiety and the panic that sits at my door. The overwhelming list of "need to dos" the daunting questions of "what next??" May I instead seek Your will for the here and now and be on the ready to move when and where Your Spirit leads - even if (especially if) that means to "Be Still." Thank you Father for the blessing of Your love and this time with You.
I love you. Amen.
(Your daughter - Woo)
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
May 5: Psalm 119:169-176
May 5, 2014
Woke up to a rainy glorious thunderstorm. Wanted to lay there and just let the thunder and rain roll over me all day. There is cleaning to be done - and later Bible study - and then work. Today is not a day of rest - but I want it to be.
Worn out - schedule has been full of many good things - but very full. Even Apple Rose is coming into every room I'm in - curling into a ball - and going back to sleep.
I feel like I am losing sight as to why any of this matters. What it is that life is supposed to be about. We get into this whirlwind of activity and it becomes about just getting through all the activities with grace than it does about living life. I feel ready to crawl into a dark hole and shut off everything for a good long while.
But we keep pushing through - mainly because we feel people need love - even if their lives are full of love - people need love, including us - so we keep going to all these things because this world is in desperate need of love.
I feel in desperate need for darkness and silence and nothingness for a little while. I want to think it would help me sort out all the insanity - but I feel like it's more an escape. Like people who drink themselves into oblivion only to find their problems still there in the morning - Perhaps only worse than ever before.
You have to start somewhere - in changing your circumstances - I tell myself - and simultaneously hear You say:
Where are you not trusting me?
Do not be anxious about anything - but in everything - by prayer and petition - present your requests to God.
... I am anxious about wasting my life.
I do not trust You getting me where I need to be without some action on my part.
And I am worried that it is because I am not listening and am not hearing that is why I am where I am - because where I am doesn't seem like enough or a good place for me to stay.
And yet - with as little as it is - I feel I barely keep up.
Psalm 119: 169-176
Let my cry come before you, O Lord;
give me understanding according to your word!
Let my plea come before you;
deliver me according to your word.
My lips will pour forth praise
for you teach me your statutes.
My tongue will sing of your word,
for your commandments are right.
Let your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord,
and your law is my delight.
Let my soul live and praise you,
and let your rules help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep,
seek your servant,
For I do not forget your commandments.
Yesterday at church Chris taught from the storm Paul was in - in Act 27. He stated that Paul -
> Trusted your promises to be true
> Knew that he belonged to You
> Knew that he served You -
... and those truths are what held him steady through a storm that gave him every reason to doubt all of the above.
I am frustrated right now that I don't know where my life is going and I feel buffeted by choices - and I am not sure what choices to make.
I want to trust that You have a plan and a purpose for my life - and that it is specific - not vague or general - but personal and intimate -
But I am not sure if that is true.
You have promised that my life - spent following after You - would not be wasted - but I doubt that because I do not see how it is being used for something bigger in this world. I feel like right now I am simply living it - muddling through the best I know how -and that I am missing the larger picture.
Is it because I am looking for the larger picture in the details, Lord?
If I am honest, right now what I want is to live my life and enjoy it. I want to spend days of quiet like today - soaking in the beauty of Your Creation and days at the potter's wheel - rejoicing in the work of my hands - and days spent with people - rejoicing in their lives and the goodness of being - the goodness of who they are - the joy of life.
I feel like my aspirations and my goals have shrunk. I do no want to change the world - or expend the effort to invest in other people's lives. I do not want my world expanded - I want it shrunk. I want to stay lost in the tiny details - because looking beyond my little world is too overwhelming - too complicated - I do not know where to begin.
You will be stretched - whether you want to be or not. I will stretch you whether you stay here or go across the globe - and it will be in my perfect timing and my perfect way.
You will keep bumbling through this time - with the war of apathy and rest and the urgency for change. You will stay here until it is time to move and when it is time to move - You will move.
And until then - it will be a discomfort you learn to live with... an awkward in between that you will learn to accept and rest in.
Why? You ask me - Why would you do that to me?
Because I am stretching you - for the larger picture - for purposes you cannot see - maybe you will never see - and yet you must trust me.
Trust me, why? You may wonder - what is the purpose? Because I am weaving a masterpiece tapestry in which your thread is only a very small piece - and yet as vital a part as the thousand other threads that make up this picture of destiny - of glory - of eternal redemption - of love.
You must trust me - because the bigger picture is larger than you can fully see - though you at least feel the magnanimity of it within your soul.
You must trust me because I have you - I know you - I have not forgotten nor forsaken you - and I know exactly where you need to be -when you need to be there - and exactly by being who you are and living your life the best you know how - you are perfectly placed - and it is enough.
It is enough Whitney that you be -
that you live.
Exactly where I have you - at every point in your life.
I don't know how Father - I don't know how to do that with grace and efficacy.
I am teaching you - everyday you are learning even if you don't know how. I makes sure that you are.
Okay - then I will keep on going the best I know how.
And I will take comfort in knowing that Your promises are true - that I belong to you - that I serve you - even if I can't see how that is so in my current circumstances. I will keep bumbling through - doing what I can - trusting that when the time comes for me to move - to be out of the storm of confusion - to make a decision and to go - I will know... and life will change.
Until then - Lord, help me to know patience - and diligence - and steadfastness - and comfort.
Help me to be invested and to care... Help me not to give up on everything and seek oblivion rather than being. Help me to keep going even when I find it hard to move - and to accept the stretching one day at a time. Help me Father to love and be loved and look forward to what lies ahead without necessarily being prepared for every piece of it.
Amen.
Woke up to a rainy glorious thunderstorm. Wanted to lay there and just let the thunder and rain roll over me all day. There is cleaning to be done - and later Bible study - and then work. Today is not a day of rest - but I want it to be.
Worn out - schedule has been full of many good things - but very full. Even Apple Rose is coming into every room I'm in - curling into a ball - and going back to sleep.
I feel like I am losing sight as to why any of this matters. What it is that life is supposed to be about. We get into this whirlwind of activity and it becomes about just getting through all the activities with grace than it does about living life. I feel ready to crawl into a dark hole and shut off everything for a good long while.
But we keep pushing through - mainly because we feel people need love - even if their lives are full of love - people need love, including us - so we keep going to all these things because this world is in desperate need of love.
I feel in desperate need for darkness and silence and nothingness for a little while. I want to think it would help me sort out all the insanity - but I feel like it's more an escape. Like people who drink themselves into oblivion only to find their problems still there in the morning - Perhaps only worse than ever before.
You have to start somewhere - in changing your circumstances - I tell myself - and simultaneously hear You say:
Where are you not trusting me?
Do not be anxious about anything - but in everything - by prayer and petition - present your requests to God.
... I am anxious about wasting my life.
I do not trust You getting me where I need to be without some action on my part.
And I am worried that it is because I am not listening and am not hearing that is why I am where I am - because where I am doesn't seem like enough or a good place for me to stay.
And yet - with as little as it is - I feel I barely keep up.
Psalm 119: 169-176
Let my cry come before you, O Lord;
give me understanding according to your word!
Let my plea come before you;
deliver me according to your word.
My lips will pour forth praise
for you teach me your statutes.
My tongue will sing of your word,
for your commandments are right.
Let your hand be ready to help me,
for I have chosen your precepts.
I long for your salvation, O Lord,
and your law is my delight.
Let my soul live and praise you,
and let your rules help me.
I have gone astray like a lost sheep,
seek your servant,
For I do not forget your commandments.
Yesterday at church Chris taught from the storm Paul was in - in Act 27. He stated that Paul -
> Trusted your promises to be true
> Knew that he belonged to You
> Knew that he served You -
... and those truths are what held him steady through a storm that gave him every reason to doubt all of the above.
I am frustrated right now that I don't know where my life is going and I feel buffeted by choices - and I am not sure what choices to make.
I want to trust that You have a plan and a purpose for my life - and that it is specific - not vague or general - but personal and intimate -
But I am not sure if that is true.
You have promised that my life - spent following after You - would not be wasted - but I doubt that because I do not see how it is being used for something bigger in this world. I feel like right now I am simply living it - muddling through the best I know how -and that I am missing the larger picture.
Is it because I am looking for the larger picture in the details, Lord?
If I am honest, right now what I want is to live my life and enjoy it. I want to spend days of quiet like today - soaking in the beauty of Your Creation and days at the potter's wheel - rejoicing in the work of my hands - and days spent with people - rejoicing in their lives and the goodness of being - the goodness of who they are - the joy of life.
I feel like my aspirations and my goals have shrunk. I do no want to change the world - or expend the effort to invest in other people's lives. I do not want my world expanded - I want it shrunk. I want to stay lost in the tiny details - because looking beyond my little world is too overwhelming - too complicated - I do not know where to begin.
You will be stretched - whether you want to be or not. I will stretch you whether you stay here or go across the globe - and it will be in my perfect timing and my perfect way.
You will keep bumbling through this time - with the war of apathy and rest and the urgency for change. You will stay here until it is time to move and when it is time to move - You will move.
And until then - it will be a discomfort you learn to live with... an awkward in between that you will learn to accept and rest in.
Why? You ask me - Why would you do that to me?
Because I am stretching you - for the larger picture - for purposes you cannot see - maybe you will never see - and yet you must trust me.
Trust me, why? You may wonder - what is the purpose? Because I am weaving a masterpiece tapestry in which your thread is only a very small piece - and yet as vital a part as the thousand other threads that make up this picture of destiny - of glory - of eternal redemption - of love.
You must trust me - because the bigger picture is larger than you can fully see - though you at least feel the magnanimity of it within your soul.
You must trust me because I have you - I know you - I have not forgotten nor forsaken you - and I know exactly where you need to be -when you need to be there - and exactly by being who you are and living your life the best you know how - you are perfectly placed - and it is enough.
It is enough Whitney that you be -
that you live.
Exactly where I have you - at every point in your life.
I don't know how Father - I don't know how to do that with grace and efficacy.
I am teaching you - everyday you are learning even if you don't know how. I makes sure that you are.
Okay - then I will keep on going the best I know how.
And I will take comfort in knowing that Your promises are true - that I belong to you - that I serve you - even if I can't see how that is so in my current circumstances. I will keep bumbling through - doing what I can - trusting that when the time comes for me to move - to be out of the storm of confusion - to make a decision and to go - I will know... and life will change.
Until then - Lord, help me to know patience - and diligence - and steadfastness - and comfort.
Help me to be invested and to care... Help me not to give up on everything and seek oblivion rather than being. Help me to keep going even when I find it hard to move - and to accept the stretching one day at a time. Help me Father to love and be loved and look forward to what lies ahead without necessarily being prepared for every piece of it.
Amen.
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