March 17, 2014
Woke up this morning feeling like I needed a reset button. Had a good weekend with Anna Grace and Jared but feel like I need to jump back on the train of my life. It doesn't help that this morning dawned cold and chilly and wet and miserable.
We're so done with winter.
I know all things happen for a reason and this persistent winter is all a part of a larger plan. Weather is never as random as it seems... But I'm beginning to feel like the Narnians - stuck in the clutch of an everlasting winter. Suddenly the misery of that becomes all too clear.
I feel closed off and not listening to You right now. Like I'm stubbornly covering my ears refusing to hear what You may be asking me. Like I'm waiting for things to go "my way." Even though I'm not even sure what it is I want - somehow I seem to think it's better than what You want. At the same time I feel belligerent - like I'm arguing that I AM trying to listen - when really, even the argument is a deflection from really having to listen...
I know that - and I'm not sure how to change it.
Last time I finally lowered my hands and gave in You told me to quit my job at National... and now I think I'm terrified that You'll tell me to have a kid... and all those thoughts of grad school will go flying out the window.
And even grad school I'm not sure I even want - or whether that is running from a potential life of being a mom and a writer - and having to actually take personal responsibility for my work.
Maybe all of it is running from writing the book that is somewhere in there - in me - if I would just honestly give it a chance at digging it out.
I don't know where to start with any of this: school, kids, book, writing... I feel lost before I even begin and all of those I feel like are things that you're definitely supposed to have at least SOME sort of direction before beginning. I hate feeling like I'm haphazardly careening along in life, trying to make decisions that affect not just my life - but Jason's and eventually, our family's life.
... Which is maybe why I'm avoiding confronting all of the above.
And then I just get more and more frustrated with myself because I'm paralyzed and not moving out of fear.
Fear will drive you - Faith will lead you - but what if you feel like you aren't moving at all?
Trust and obey - for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey...
... But what if I'm not sure what I'm supposed to obey? Especially if I feel like for some reason I instinctually have my hands over my ears - because I'm not sure what You're going to say - but I can guarantee it isn't going to be easy - And I'm not sure I am ready to hear it yet.
I want to be...
... but I'm not sure I really am... at least, definitely not to the point where I'm actually going to take my hands down and listen.
I'll try to get there Lord - but I'll need Your help - and I'm getting impatient with myself for the delay I feel like I'm causing.
Psalm 107
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good,
for his steadfast love endures forever!
Let the redeemed of the Lord say so,
whom he has redeemed from trouble
and gathered in from the lands,
from the east and from the west,
from the north and from the south.
Some wandered in desert wastes,
finding no way to a city to dwell in;
hungry and thirsty,
their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
He led them by a straight way,
till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
For he satisfies the longing soul,
and the hungry soul he fills with good things."
In the midst of not being sure of the way to go Father, thank you for this Promise today... thank you for the reminder and help me cling to this: You will lead me by a straight way till I have reached the point You would like for me and our family to dwell in for awhile.
Faint and weary - let me not give up on looking to You. May You be my guide and my mover Lord... I thank you for today. Amen.
Your daughter - Woo
