April 16, 2014
Funny the difference a day can make. Winter made a revisitation yesterday with freezing rain and a chill last night. Today dawned chilly with highs promising to get no higher than mid-50s. Feels like winter fell over my soul again too.
Every once in a while I go through these bouts of questioning everything I believe it - at its very foundation. What if there is no God? What if I am delusional and my entire life is based upon a lie?
The belief in and of itself will not have caused much harm directly to me or my family - but looking at it through the lens of disbelief I can understand people's anger over the effect it has had on other people's lives - all religious beliefs - really - but also in particular Christianity.
There are good things religions have brought to the world - art, creativity, inspiration, cohesiveness, even peace - but plenty of war, destruction, and violence too.
I think if I were not Christian I would be atheist.
If I were agnostic - in acknowledging either there is a God or could be a God - I feel logic and history is stacked in favor of Christianity - mainly the logic of how salvation is obtained - and the fact that many people witnessed Christ and his teaching - and that the Bible was written by many people across many centuries - not just one isolated person having a spiritual encounter with no eye witnesses.
But if there isn't a God - then everything must be explainable by science - all those questions that are unanswered - everything that doesn't fall into the "doesn't make sense" category - just gets thrown out or placed on hold until evidence can explain it... and though I think that IS a sort of faith - it is a faith that cuts out the incredible or miraculous - at least in the sense of some greater power's intervention.
Eventually going Round Robin in my head on all these thoughts and questions - I end up at this cross road. "Either you believe, or you don't Whitney," I say to myself... and down one path of not believing in God I feel my world shrinks to the immediacy of this world and this life - which, as amazing and wonderful and more than enough as it is for me, is still smaller than the divine invading the world we know and expanding it to beyond our own understanding - beyond our capabilities of understanding.
Down one road is a life that revolves around happiness and comfortability - getting the most out of this life while we can - cherishing the moments and times with the people I really love and like and enjoy and working towards a life that is even-keeled - full - and joyful.
Down the other road is a life spent in challenge - learning to love people I don't want to love - laying my life down for the sake of others - being concerned about others' well being - not only in the here and now but for eternity - and learning to find joy in all circumstance. Love by sacrifice - and being constantly stretched by a being who cannot be contained in this world but pushes beyond it.
There is neither convincing proof enough to believe nor convincing proof enough not to believe in my head. Each side argues its point perfectly from its standpoint but neither (as I have been able or seen someone else able) can argue their point from within the others' point of view and debunk it.
So I feel like I'm left with this crossroads - and the choice is to either believe that there is some higher being by which all things are sourced and find their meaning and being and there is salvation from our failings (whether you call that higher being the Universe, or an Alien Intelligence, or God, or Allah, or Buddha, or Mutual Consciousness, or whatever... just belief in some higher being connecting all things together) - or else you believe that there isn't. Everything can be explained by diverse phenomena that we either we understand now or simply have not yet explained or understood and there is no salvation from our failings except for that which we work out ourselves.
And a lot of times - to me - the diverse phenomena and "life is what we make of it" explanation makes a lot more sense.
And then other times - it seems to me that in following that path, I end up making a lot of strange arguments to questions like "What is 'life'? Where does it come from? Who am I? What is my purpose? What is my life to be about? Are there parts to humanity that can't be "discovered" or explained? What makes up the fabric of existence? Why does anything matter at all?" that makes me feel like I am trying to stretch the limits of what we say we can explain... so that it ends up that very few things, if anything really - are explained at all in that way...
In the end I end up choosing the path to belief... and sometimes without much good logical reason for why I choose that path over the path of disbelief (although I feel like I have at least equal logical reason for choosing each one).
Perhaps it is bad that I never have answer for why I believe in You- at least in a logical sense - perhaps that is the definition of faith... But standing at the crossroads - despite the fact that I'd rather live a life where my only concerns are for comfort, the here and now, happiness in this life - I find myself wanting to choose that there is more to this life than we can understand - more than we could ever understand, even collectively - and even if it means either living in discomfort of continued stretching or even discomfort because I am avoiding the stretching - then it somehow makes all of it more worthwhile if it's part of a bigger story than just us - than just humanity - even as big and wondrous and amazing as I can readily say humanity alone is.
Sometimes believing in You is subconscious - it is my default - I more often think in a mindset of faith and operate from that framework without considering the alternative - but other times it is a choice I wrestle with making. I understand - at least in part - the point of view that there isn't really a God - and that I am a product of my culture and my upbringing - I have been indoctrinated in my belief... and I can even understand why people don't believe that there is a God... I can even agree with them on points they make -
But I find myself - over and over - leaning towards the answer to my questions being directed to a Person - not a set of diverse phenomena we are still trying to unravel and discover.
Still... I question myself as to why I make that choice - on what grounds? Is it simply because I'm totally brainwashed? And I wonder whether I will make it again when standing at that crossroads.
Yesterday was hard... walking through the confusion of the arguments in my head and being angry that if You were real - that You would allow winter to fall again. I know it seems petty - but I see the new life blooming in the prime of its beauty - and now suddenly being cut back - frostbitten - destroyed - and for no apparent reason that I can see - and it feels like a picture for the struggle of my life and the struggle of other people's lives... and I'm supposed to trust that this is because You are ultimately good - and not just because it's due to global warming or our weather sucks or because we don't have control over everything in life.
I know it all sounds bizarre - it sounds bizarre to me - but I know the weather didn't cause me to have a "crisis of faith." I had one - and my angst about the weather just happened to be tied up into it because I begged you not to destroy Spring before it had run its full course.
The world was left relatively unscathed and intact when I awoke this morning - but I know death happened last night and parts of Spring died... it feels like the heart of joy was taken out of it. Perhaps it will bounce back more resilient and defiant of winter than ever before - but right now I feel like it reflects my heart - bruised - battered - and not in the mood for any heroics.
"I'll continue on," I feel like grumbling at you from under baleful sullen eyes - "but it isn't because I'm happy about it!" I feel like shouting at You, "It's because I know it's what I'm 'supposed' to do."
On the other road - I'd chalk this all up to Season Affective Disorder - and figure I'll get over it on the next warm day - but on the current road I'm on I'm certain it is at least in part a heart attitude that needs to change.
Psalm 119: 41-48
Let your steadfast love come to me, O Lord,
your salvation according to your promise;
then shall I have an answer for him who taunts me,
for I trust in your word.
And take not the word of truth utterly out of my mouth,
for my hope is in your rules.
I will keep your law continually, forever and ever,
and I shall walk in a wide place,
for I have sought your precepts.
I will also speak of your testimonies before kings
and shall not be put to shame,
for I find my delight in your commandments,
which I love.
I will lift up my hands toward your commandments,
which I love,
and I will meditate on your statutes.
Amen.
Thank you for that Psalm Father - I repent of my rebellious heart - ask for Your forgiveness - and am grateful to begin anew.
Thank you for the crossroads - for giving me the choice - and calling me to You once again.
Amen.
