September 16, 2014
I feel tired waking up today Lord.
Brain feels full of a lot of things. A lot of awful things. A lot of tired things. I look at this world - full of austere beauty today - and think of the darkness that hides in our lives. The brokenness - the destitute poverty of our souls. We must all of us look like barren deserts spiritually to You. At least, I feel that way today.
I have time - so much time it feels like - today - but not enough to make a difference.
Start small. Listen carefully. Be open - I hear You say. There is hope yet in the world because my church is still in it. My body is still present. However weak and dim and insignificant a light you feel - all light matters in this world. Even a little bit goes a long way.
1 Cor. 4: 8-13, Ps. 3
I feel beset upon at all sides Lord. The pressures that my life doesn't look enough - doesn't manifest enough - a life in submission to You. My fear that I don't want it to be. I do not want to be destitute in the world. I do not want to be broken and poured out. I see the need of the world Father - But I do not want to be dashed upon it - spilt out for its thirst.
I do not feel like "more than a conqueror" - I feel shut up and afraid of the enormity of the darkness of this world. I feel like holing up. I feel like hiding away.
Psalm 3:3
But You, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Even I sometimes say of myself - there is no salvation for my soul in God
...but salvation belongs to You.
And You sustain me.
To what purpose, Father?! I cry out. Why sustain me? I find strength to get up and continue my life - yet feel I barely manage the small tasks of going shopping - making a home - teaching a swing class.
That is my work today - and yet I drag my feet this morning. I look out at the ocean of humanity and humanity's need and I feel I am a drop. My life smaller than a drop. Smaller than a ripple amongst mighty waves. And I do not know what to do - or how to do more.
The Lord is my salvation -
The lifter of my head -
I cry out and He answers me from his holy hill.
Move forward my child - step by step - move forward on the water. It feels an impossibility today to do the small - and it is - But keep your eyes on me - look full on my wonderful face - and move forward step by step out onto the water. You will do the impossible - You will inspire the faith of others by walking in faith with me. They will see you out on the water and they will join us - and you aren't to worry about them or what difference you make - whether you are a ripple - or a part of a wave - or a wave - your only responsibility is to walk with me. And step by step - we will do the impossible. Don't be afraid. Look to me - the Author and Finisher - The Alpha and Omega - the One who turned the world on its head - who brought life back from the dead - who brought light into darkness - who triumphed in defeat - who conquered death by dying - I am a God of impossible contradictions - improbable paradoxes - and I can save the world while it destroys itself utterly. I can make new what was broken. I can restore the years the locusts have eaten. Look forward - look ahead - look to me - and put one foot in front of the other. I keep my promises - and my promise to you is that in me - your life has meaning. No matter what you do - it carries light. No matter how small and unimportant you feel - to me - you are part of all that I have planned - and I am using you - tiny cog - to turn the cogs of things beyond your imagining in my kingdom - though you may not see it. One foot before the other. One day at a time. Look to me my love - we can do this one step at a time. We can change the world.
I do not know yet if I believe it in my heart of hearts to be true. But the reading today said:
"It is not that conduct is the end of life and worship helps it - but that worship is the end of life and conduct tests it." (William Temple)
Father - test my faith in my life. Refine it and make my worship wholly thine.
Solidify the worship in my life Lord.
I will slip my hand into yours today and begin the small steps of faith that will lead me to beyond where I can stand alone - because I cannot even get out of this shell - out from hidden inside of myself - out of curling into a ball and waiting for me and my life and the world to waste away - I cannot move from here without you my Lord.
But if with You I can move from here - then where else might You take me? Where else might we go? What other impossibilities in my life might You overcome if I am with You?
So here. Call me. I will come. Frightened - even terrified - I will come to You. Do not let me go - hold my eyes - Fill them Father with Your glory - and do. not. let. me. go. You are a shield about me. My salvation. The lifter of my head.
Amen.
