September 29, 2014
I'm in that strange in between place again.
Trying to decide whether I am keeping vigil or running from responsibility.
Right now it is hard to settle down when my brain is doing the slow English country dance... thoughts gently swirling - touching hands briefly, before whirling off on new patterns - glints of this one thought or bright idea catching the light dimly here and there.
I keep thinking there's so much that needs to be done - but I am not moving to do it... and the regret is mainly that it is not doing itself... not that I am not getting it done.
Keep thinking about my grandfather - fading in and out like the light on a lighthouse across dark waters - and hoping that he would find his way home out across the dark expanse of the unknown... beyond the reach of our dim excuse for a shore.
I have this vision of the end of the world gently falling up into the great expanse of the sky.
I can't tell if I'm staying up because I am waiting to see him off...
... or because I am trying to hold onto this day - staving off the busy day of tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that... each day is planned very full...
and deep inside of me I can hear the yearning for rest.
I am happy to send him off - ecstatic...
... almost... envious.
Mainly because I know he is weary - I can feel the weariness in his bones... I have the weariness in mine, but not so well aged.
I have a long, long road yet ahead of me. Many years to add to my current ones... many memories yet to build... many pains yet to soldier through... I have not yet become all my grandfather's grand-daughter will be...
I am still looking forward to that...
... but he is looking forward to home.
And even I, with so much yet to live, can feel the echoing home-sickness that resounds inside of me.
I imagine my hand slipped into his - wrinkled and spotted and still so firm and so strong throughout all the years - and we rest there. We were never ones much for words between us. I discovered somehow at an early age that wonderful gift that some people never learn - the gift of being present... it is a precious gem I hold onto tightly and deeply in my treasure box... bringing it out often to share with someone else who also admires its complexity and beauty and comfort.
I need the present of being right now.
He is about to go on the wondrous journey - and I am the one to be left home-sick on this foreign shore.
There's no use in asking, "Can't I go with you?" Because I know it isn't yet my turn...
... but my heart is asking it anyway.
Stay with me a little longer... Stay up with me just a bit longer... till I can see you home.
I hate that the tears I am shedding are for myself...
That I'm holding you back from your journey because I cannot go.
... Because "Who will I hug when you are gone?"
And there are many, many more hugs I have yet to give and receive and discover...
... but none like yours...
and so few who know this perfect, complete gift of just being.
Being without words... the gift of presence.
Lo... I am with you always... even unto the ends of the earth.
A promise made not just from an Almighty God - but a promise we inherit as His coheirs... his brothers and sisters... as one another.
And already I know and can feel the presence of those who have gone ahead of you - up the edge of that wondrous cliff onto new adventures, into vast expanses, that I cannot fathom or imagine - just a veil of difference that separates my world from theirs - from yours.
I can feel them reaching out and laying hands upon me - wrapping me up and smiling at me - blue eyes and clouded eyes and bright inquisitive black-brown ones - that urge me, encourage me - stand and wave: Daughter... Give him a proper send-off - just as you did with us - and as soon as you do you will find him right here... right there - nestled even closer than ever before.
The Presence of Being right there... right. there. in your heart.
We are never far.
Let me come with you!
Let me cross over, too!
And I know it is the foolishness of my youth.
There is still so much joy and sorrow I have yet to discover - so much life to live as you all have lived.
Wait to hold that little one's hand... Wait to watch their first step... Wait to breathe your book into being... to laugh with your husband... to help him learn and help teach your children this gift of being... wait to accomplish all you have ahead of you... the many days and months and years that not even we know the number of... wait till it is your time.
... and when it is time - we will be there - hands outstretched - to welcome you home.
Wait for us. We will always be waiting for you - with that ever present Now.
Here... now I can sleep.
Let me unpack this beautiful gem in its seedling state right now - to examine its beauty in its infancy...
while it is still so small that I can grasp it...
While it is still so contained that I can hold it in my heart.
Let me hold it close to me - like the gentle fluttering of your heart - so that I can hear its whispers and feel its beats warm and close before I set it free to then envelop me.
I am not yet ready - one moment more... just one moment more...
....
A kiss...
and Ah.
It is set Free.
