A lot of people have been talking to me since my last blog post about being angry at You, but none of them are voices I necessarily want to hear. It isn't that they are wrong or that I don't want to listen... Just that my head feels like it has been full of many things and now I want it quiet of the many voices and filled with Yours. Perhaps like with Job you may come down on me hard. Perhaps like with David you may comfort me and strengthen my faith. Perhaps You may be still and silent and ask me to wait on You. I don't know - but I do know that it is Your Presence I need - none other. And that is what I am seeking today.
Psalm 16
If ever I thought You had a sense of humor...
Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.
2 I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
I have no good apart from you.”
3 As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,
in whom is all my delight.[b]
in whom is all my delight.[b]
4 The sorrows of those who run after[c] another god shall multiply;
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out
or take their names on my lips.
5 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
you hold my lot.
6 The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
7 I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;
in the night also my heart instructs me.[d]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
in the night also my heart instructs me.[d]
8 I have set the Lord always before me;
because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.
11 You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
I am not sure I believe that fully in my heart Father.
I
know it in my head and my soul that the words are true - but I'm not
yet at the place where my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices.
Right now it is still and quiet. Willing to listen - but still having a
hard time accepting. Still a little unyielding... still a little
defensive.
I am not sure I even want to ask for help right now...
Perhaps still trying to hold things together right now...
But I am here. I am here and I hope that is something.
They are not, as I was hoping - words of love and encouragement... But the words of a general to his soldier.
At the same time, You did give me the psalm and I kind-of rejected it - so perhaps it's time for me to also hear a warning.
Beware the hardening of a heart.
... But be honest.
Do not be anxious about defending yourself to others -
... But be concerned about what you stand before me and say.
You will be forgiven your anger against the Son -
But heed the voice of the Spirit within you.
You may be broken and spilled out - but I number every hair on your head
am aware of every ache in your bones and in your heart.
If
you believe today that I am true - confess it and do not deny it and
cling to it in the midst of the confusion and struggle and heartache and
the questioning of the world.
Gird yourself up Whitney - I did not send you out into this world to be pampered... but to be a servant.
My heart is heavy Lord. I feel cowardly and weak.
I would rather crawl into a hole of safety and pull the blanket over my head. Let this pass me by.
If any man would follow me - He must pick up his cross and bear it daily.
But then why, O Father, would anyone follow you at all?
Because I hold the words of eternal life.
Because what good do you have besides me?
Because though right now you don't see it - you don't believe it - you won't accept it -
At my right hand are pleasures forever. more.
Forever - and more of them.
Joy is in my presence.
In clinging to me you may rejoice in your sufferings because in me there is the inheritance of my son.
I am fashioning you like him.
I am melding you to him.
Crucible by crucible - in the fire as you are stripped - I am stripping you down to Him.
This is not love Father - it is cruelty.
No
my child, it is love to the nth degree - a love that transforms - that
knows every hair on your head and feels each death of your being - and
knows each breath of life breathed into it.
Stand firm.
Cling to me.
And trust that in the mighty crash of waves as deep calls out to deep - you will not be obliterated
But preserved.
"Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge."
There is still so much that I do not understand. Still so much I am trying to believe.
My heart is still heavy and I am still unsure.
Bear with me Father and help me.
Come my child and be swallowed up by me.
But how, O Lord, is that a good and comforting thing?
Because I would not see you consumed. I would not see you obliterated. I would not see you corrupted or simply broken apart.
I would see you washed and renewed and remade.
Then swallow me Father.
I will accept your sovereignty completely because everywhere I go I am so confused.
There are still no easy answers.
There is still only You.
And my heart is still unable and unwilling to fully see.
Father, You must help me.
