January 22, 2014
Snowy ice over everything this morning.
I was stressed about getting out on time - but looking at the condition of our parking lot - I think I'd rather not stress out about being on time and hope work understands.
We will probably have to take Apple Rose to the vet today... Her little stomach bug/issue doesn't seem to be getting any better and has Jason and me concerned. I am hoping it won't be anything too serious =/
Psalm 80
I tried something a little different today. I've been so grumpy with You lately and disconnected and feeling all out of sorts. I haven't kept a running conversation with You throughout the day as I normally do - and I don't think that's something I even consciously think about most of the time...
Anyways - grabbed a little bite to eat this morning and read the Psalm first - rather than waiting until after I had journaled "my piece."
I know the Psalm is prophetic about the nation of Israel and the Messiah (Christ) but I find it very personal this morning. Especially this plea:
"Restore us, O God of hosts;
Let your face shine, that we may be saved!"
In verses 8-11 Asaph talks about the rescue of the Israelites out of Egypt (for the church - a picture of Christ bringing us out of slavery to sin):
"You brought me as a vine out of slavery;
You drove out the sin that lay as a barrier and planted me in soil you had prepared
by Your Holy Spirit.
I took root in You and Your Word and filled the land.
Even the mountains of my problems paled in comparison to the strength I had in You -
Even the laurels and accolades I had gained of my effort looked small in what You had accomplished in and through me.
I stretched out - Filling my life with Your presence from beginning to end
Why then have you broken down my defenses -
leaving m exposed to attack from all sides -
so that every little thing - every little snare Satan can think to trip me up steals my joy
and robs me of the fruit of the Spirit I'd like to bear.
I feel barren and dried up-
I feel like I am tattered and weary and ready to give up -
that my time of fruitfulness has passed me by
that any good thing I may bear disappears into a void and is meaningless."
When I think back through my life I feel like that has been the story of my journey with You. Learning that You loved me so early on in life and rejoicing in that - Journalling intensely until my dating episode with Andy when I fell off and it felt like everything kind-of fell in until after we broke up and then a renewed and life and renewed freedom - until dating Jason when walking in faith became a struggle that I slug-fested my way through in high school...
College was a period of growth and spiritual change until post-graduation when suddenly all the questions of adulthood and life piled in and I fell silent for a long time - at least in journalling consistently - for a long, long time until September of (now) last year when I picked up journalling again in earnest for the first time since high school probably...
Now here I am - looking back over the past couple of months of spiritual growth and the fire that has been burning since the Women's Conference now feels like it's running out and running thin. I'm beginning to feel again like Israel - crying out to You wondering whether I have missed my time of growth and flourishing.
I suppose the ironic thing is that the greatest time of Israel's history was the period of David's kingship - probably when this Psalm was written - so here they are - wondering (like me) whether they have missed their period of flourishing, if it's already come to an end - when perhaps they were in the midst of it - or it could've just been beginning.
... of course, this Psalm could have been written towards the end of David's reign - maybe Asaph was looking at the family dynamics beginning to fall apart and maybe he could see where it was all headed...
Whether beginning - middle - or end - I suppose it doesn't change the prayer that Asaph offers up:
"Turn again, O God of all spiritual heavenly hosts and the entire universe - seen and unseen -
Look down from Your great throne - so high above us in power - perspective - authority
Look down to our level and see -
Have regard and understanding and pity for me -
this vine that by Your right hand you planted -
the daughter whom you made strong for your purposes - for your kingdom - by your Son.
I have wilted in the heat of battle.
I feel cut off from my root
Despite this, may my spiritual adversaries and the lies that have gained some power in my life perish at the rebuke of Your face appearing -
proving them all wrong.
But may Your hand of strength and healing and protection be upon Your Son who indwells in me -
be upon Your daughter of Your kingdom for Your purpose and meaning
Then I will not turn away from you - as I so easily am distracted and persuaded to do...
Give me renewed life Father -
and I will again be able to praise you.
Restore me - O Lord God of hosts!
I know You have the power and capability where I do not.
Let your face shine and light up my world again - that I might be saved
not just once - but over and over again."
Amen.
