January 10, 2014
Woke up this morning to a grey and rainy day - one of my favorites =)
I was worried it was Saturday and Jason and I had forgotten to set an alarm for getting up to go get Apple =P One more day... everything will change. I wonder if I'm up for the challenge?
Feel so full and at peace Father - just feel like snuggling up in a fluffy cloud blanket in Your Arms and just quietly observe the world today.
I wonder who Asaph was... such a man of prayer and contemplation. I love how thoughtful his psalms are - and how they are made up of the everyday struggles of man.
I feel like I have been and continue to be in the same place Asaph was in this psalm. So often I go out into the world that values money (such an imaginary, useless system anyway) so highly - and can't help but feel that as Jason and I struggle sometimes to stay financially afloat and try not to go into more debt - there are a decent number of people out there who have so much and a decent number of those people with whom I can't help but feel they really don't deserve it.
Whether I want to admit it or not, sometimes my thought is that maybe I should care more about money. Maybe if I were willing to give up certain things I would find the fulfillment in the monetary world that I seek - the whole thought of: "Maybe if we at least had x much - then things would feel better."
I mean - wanting to be financially stable - at least making enough money to get us out of debt - at least making enough money so that we don't have to count every thing we spend - at least having enough money that us having kids and me not working could be a thought we could entertain - at least having enough money that we are just comfortable - not worried about how we will make it paycheck to paycheck - That isn't wrong, is it Lord?
And I hear you say - it is if you think having more money will make you stop worrying. You worry because you do not trust me - and no amount of money will fix a distrust between you and me.
Sometimes I feel it is less about trusting You - than trusting that I understand what it is You are asking of me - but I recognize that in one way or another I have bought into the world's belief that financial stability is proof of a person's righteousness -it is proof that he/she is making "right choices." Wealth may not have always been obtained rightly - I think most of us realize that - but if you are suffering no consequences for having lots of it - then that seems a better choice than not having any - and it is hard to see what could be wrong with having and wanting more money. I begin to think:
"All in vain have I kept my heart clean
and washed my hands in innocence."
Because it would be nice to prosper rather than to deny myself what I want and urge myself to be patient and trust in You.
When I stop to try figure it out - this whole mess with money and faith and prosperity vs. "a successful life" - it feels like running around in a circle chasing my own tail - a futile endeavor to bring it to some conclusion.
But I love Asaph's response:
"But when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went to the sanctuary of God,
then I discovered their end."
In your presence Lord, the presence of a God who is far more concerned about eternal destinies and the condition of our heart than our physical comforts and our "settling back to simply enjoy life" - things are put into proper perspective.
Wealth is a slippery place - the market constantly fluid and changing - falling to a ruin in a minute... If security were built on the stock market (as it is for some) what a terrifying life it must be - watching your life uptick and downswing with every change in the market. And when the whole flimsy structure occasionally falls through the floor - as it did in the recent past decade - it must feel sickening (as it has) if your confidence and peace is settled in the stability of the monetary world.
But when eternity comes into view - wealth is such a phantom - such a waste - so useless.
Despite being aware of this - I return time and time again to this same struggle of exalting wealth and financial stability and even "being a good steward of money" as something to be achieved - something to be concerned over - something to consume my mind and my thoughts and my actions - But Asaph rightly calls this being brutish and ignorant - like a beast. So concerned with gorging myself on the diet of security in money (playing with mud pies as C.S. Lewis would say) that I am ignoring the rich banquet of eternal things - things of so much greater value in your kingdom: time spent loving other people - being a witness of Your love - Your Son - Your glory - being concerned and having my mind filled with thoughts of who You would have me be and what You would have me do. In large part - You ignore money - knowing that in the eternal scheme of things - it is really not important at all. In fact, it is less than important - it is utterly meaningless in Your eyes.
Yet it is probably the number one distraction - the most consistent and persistent idol (i.e. financial comfort and stability) of my life...
"Nevertheless, I am continually with you;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me into your glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever."
I have this image of this Father who is holding his daughter's hand as she tries to throw a tantrum because she isn't getting what she wants - And in love, he is refusing to give quarter to her tantrum... not just because she shouldn't have what she wants - but because he wants her to care about so much more than always getting her way and getting what she wants in life. Father - you want us to cultivate an appetite and desire for so much more than getting what WE want in life. And despite my continual disobedience and temper tantrums - You love me still - and continue to raise me up teach me - and discipline me - out of Your perfect love.
When held in your arms -there is never any question in my mind of Your perfect love for me. And you promise I have that forever and I have that always - no slippery footing - no fluid fluctuations - no falling through the floor because the housing bubble implodes.
"For behold (this is the truth - this is what happens... you cannot get away from this fact - God is TRUE life and therefore) those who are far from you shall perish;
You put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all your works."
Father - help me to be humbled and recognize my own weakness... When I am throwing a temper tantrum or beginning to whine - Help me Father by Your Holy Spirit to have your perspective and be far more concerned about the far more important eternal aspects of Your Kingdom than I am about "monetary stability" or financial wealth or the praise of men or recognition - or self righteousness - or any of the flimsy and false gods we want to prop up our lives and our meaning and our purpse. Help us to find all of that in You - that our lives would take up residence in You and be defined by You.
Amen.
