January 3, 2014
Morning Father -
Totally slept through my alarm this morning.
Got up in time for a short time with You - but it's always hard when it's cut short.
Had a late night up with Jason - not even sure we fully resolved our discussion. I think it was more or less resolved for him - but I was trying to worm out that nasty feeling inside when I think we both fell asleep. Feels like things are okay this morning but I have this nagging feeling that things aren't settled inside of me yet. It has less to do with Jason and more to do with myself - though he has - and always does - try to help me the best he can in his own way.
My depressive tendencies are always worse in the winter and this time is weird compared to other times - though I'm not really complaining. It isn't as pronounced and I'm better able to push through it. It isn't manifesting itself in having troubles with just wanting to get out of bed - nor am I hyper emotion or feeling completely dead inside - it feels more like the shadow of inward death - like I can't shake this wet blanket off my back. I'm hyper analytical and hyper critical - and more sensitive to annoyance than sadness... although the apathy does creep in and itch under my skin... sometimes literally.
It's ironic to me that my stress manifests itself in literally making me uncomfortable in my own skin. Nothing has really seemed to help with my legs breaking out in hives - though I've been meaning to get some Quercetin from work to see if that might help.
Anyways - silly... I sound like a psychiatrist examining myself - when really I know a lot of it is unnecessary burdens I pick up and me missing my focus...
At the same time - I know there are those physical aspects of my life - and I just don't want to seek out medication to fix them... I'd rather be myself - in all my complications and quirks and even burdens and figure out my life - how to keep pressing onward and how to keep living - without constantly searching for something to "fix me"... But then my imbalance has never been severe enough that I am completely un-functional. It just makes me limp along every once in a while - and despite all conventional wisdom that says, "why not try to fix yourself?" I don't think limping is such a bad thing.
I like to think it helps keep me human - aware of other people's brokenness and gracious in the face of it, and aware of my need for You. Maybe other people would disagree - but I respect that not everyone's life and situation is the same as mine and You ask each of us to live to the life we were called.
For me that means working through these doldrum times and sometimes feeling like I'm wrestling it out with faith and life through 3 feet of mud.
Not to be easily escaped from... though I have wished there were an easy escape more than once and sometimes take the "check out" option...
Anyways - it feels like one of those embattled times - though not as under siege as I've felt in the past. Rather than being stuck in a deep, deep pit from which I feel there is no escape and no light - I feel like it's a moderately deep pit - from which I sometimes escape but keep falling back into and the climb out is exhausting and annoying and includes lots of failing attempts.
I get the sense that this time it's a matter of continuing to press forward and make it through this. You are promising me that the fog will eventually lift - but You aren't telling me when and how and for the moment I feel frustrated that this pit exists at all and wonder why we keep pushing forward in life when sometimes it seems no sooner is one pit behind me when another eventually comes up in the road.
I keep moving forward - in part - I guess - because I don't feel I have any choice... Going backwards in life really just means digging a pit for yourself to wallow in - moving forward is the only way to at least put pits behind you, even though it inevitably means running into new ones in the future. And anyway - I want to keep running forward to win the prize - to finally feel you catch me when I stumble over that finish line and tell me the marathon is over - the race is done - and I can rest.
Heaven may have its own challenges - it's hard for me to imagine a dynamic world without them (but maybe that's because it's beyond the scope of my imagination), but at least I hope it's no more of this "beating the flesh into submission" that Paul talks about - or else I will be really disappointed ;P
I never have been much of an athlete - and this internal spiritual race of life sometimes makes my soul ache the same way my muscles feel after to much use...
Maybe the measure of an Olympian is really in their heart and their decision to never give up - no matter what.
I've always respected the people who play with more heart than those who necessarily "win the gold" anyways... Luckily for me - I am competing against no one but myself - though sometimes that is more than enough opponent for me..
Enough... I have talked enough. It is your turn now.
Psalm 68
"Blessed be the Lord,
who daily bears us up;
God is our salvation.
Our God is a God of salvation,
and to God, the Lord, belongs deliverances from death."
(v.19-20)
I may have to come back to this Psalm and study it in more depth sometime. Right now it's reading a bit like a T.S. Eliot poem - with lots of references to things I don't quite understand.
... Like a puzzle with all the pieces spilt out on the floor right now...
But I have found the four corners that frame this Psalm for me: v. 19-20
"Blessed be the Lord who daily bears us up."
Even today you are bearing me up Lord - bearing me up in the midst of pits and even bearing me up out of puts...
To you belong deliverances - not just deliverance - but many deliverances from Death and all the ways it can come - some that are more deadly to me than it's physical manifestation...
You promise You will bear me up and away from Death - and although I have to live with him as a constant foe - he is nothing but a shadow and a lie - having already been conquered and put to shame.
Help me to hold onto those truths when I'm waiting in the pit of the lion's den. Though their mouths have been shut against me - it is still dark and I am sure Daniel wondered when (if ever) he would get out in that long night.
Deliverance will come - I will learn to wait in expectation for it and not despair - but help me Father because my heart is prone to despair and giving up and getting wearied of being in pit.
Help me to run with grace and perseverance... To not give up, even when it doesn't look pretty - and to continue to trust when it feels easier to give up and stop. It is worth it... All of this is worth it - You promise me that... and I am running on that promise.
I love you - See you soon - Woo
