January 21, 2014
Such a dramatic sunrise this morning. Heavy dark clouds over all the sky - like a thick purple blanket - and peeping around the edges a rosy pink and the heart of the sun - low on the horizon.
They are predicting snow today - supposed to be lots of it - and though I know a lot of people are dreading it, I am hoping for a good blanketing.
There is something about a good snow that is so calming and quieting and silencing - and I feel like I need that right now.
Have been struggling so much to get up in the mornings earlier. Once I get up - I'm always glad that I do... but on the onset I feel so tired and exhausted that the thought of getting up makes me want to cry.
Feel like I'm going through a bit of one of my slumps. Not as bad as they sometimes are - just a period of discouragement. I go back in the evenings to post my journal and sometimes feel so silly - as though I can't remember why I wrote any of this in the first place - what difference did it really make - and wondering why I'm bothering to post it up at all - and probably only posting it because I don't think anyone is reading it - so what difference does it make whether I do or don't =P
I know that I have to keep pushing through times like this - When it is so easy to see everything I am failing at and all the areas where I am falling short - to berate and belittle myself - and lose all heart. I end up continuing in life mechanically... Going into auto pilot mode - where things get done - simply because they must - or because they're there - but my heart feels like a 2 ton block of dead wood in my chest.
Snow has started falling... so pretty. Already coating things in the 5 minutes it's been falling.
Psalm 79
I think I am too angry to care about the Israelites' plight in the Psalm and not in tune with the prayer that the avenging God pour out His wrath upon the other nations.
I know that it is different to be in a war-torn country when you are watching your family members be drug off to be salves - but I don't feel like putting myself in those shoes right now.
And I know You are a just God - but I don't feel like calling Your wrath down because I don't feel like most people deserve it any more than I do...
We are all just human - good and bad - most of us a decent mixture of the two - some of us who need to be shut off from all the rest. We are all just muddling around, doing our best to live productive lives. Yes petty - yes even cruel - yes meaningless and tiny and small and missing so much of all the potential we could be - but human nonetheless... and for a lot of us - doing the best we know how to live our lives right, even if we get it wrong a long of the time.
How do you see us Lord?
As worms? In love? In pity? In hate? In a rushing desire to save us? Do you admire us? Despise us? Get frustrated with us?
I love you as people - the same as you love others - the same as you love Jason. Yes. To All of the above - but greatest of all of these - and perhaps why I get so furious with you all - is love. An overwhelming, powerful, sweeping love - and heartache - and heartbreak and joy. I am thankful for you Whitney. Glad for every bone in your body - every hair on your head. I wonder over you - marveling and cuddling and yes - sometimes shaking with frustration - over every single part of you. You all are fearfully and wonderfully made... that the God of the Universe would fall so madly in love with the human race is dangerous indeed.
I would burn up whole universes - the heavens were torn in my love for you - I went through hell and back - literally - so that I might have you rest with me - safe in my arms - so that I could sing over you while you sleep - touch you with marveling fingertips - shaking with the terrifying joyful knowledge that you are mine - mine to love - no matter what.
Love is a terrifying force. An obliterating power - it has the capacity to wipe out and destroy just about anything - including the two parties involved.
I AM LOVE - therefore I cannot be destroyed by it - but I can be wracked to torturous levels by love - so torturous, that I might WISH it would destroy me...
Does that answer your question?
Yes... though I am still so sleepy I just want to crawl in Your lap and sleep for a good couple of hours as Apple is doing now...
I am learning Father... help me to give myself patience... time... and grace.
Amen.
