January 7, 2014
So the weather outside is truly frightful - even though it doesn't really look it from the inside. I can feel the cold even through the warmth of the apartment.
Bitter, bitter cold... True winter -
Everyone wishes there was at least a little bit of snow to go with the cold - although the kids got outta school today anyway - since it's about 20 below freezing - unheard of in Virginia!
I, for one, do not feel thrilled about being up - or having to go out into it - or having to be out in it at dance tonight... Days like today I feel like the natural thing to do is hole up and hibernate.
... But I woke up this morning feeling like a grumpy bear anyways... Growling underneath it all still.
Psalm 70
I sometimes wonder about David's personality. I know that in the Psalms we only see a portion of his personality and most are written when he was in the depths of emotions - but I wonder sometimes if his and my personalities would clash.
I often feel that way with Paul... I think I would have respected Paul for his wisdom and insight into Scripture - but I think his blunt arrogance and assurance in what he was saying and the absoluteness of his calling might have rankled me.
And I wonder with David whether his emotion and his constant fervor would have bugged me.
I see these responses/reactions more as faults on my side - no on theirs. I think probably reflections of my own jealousy over their closeness and effectiveness as your instruments - probably also reactions against my own arrogance and my own tendency to hyper emotionalism just projected against them as well...
But then again knowing my general disregard in terms of viewing those in leadership as "special" or suddenly free of the same faults and shortcomings and personality quirks as all the rest of us - I probably would have had the same attitude of respect for their position but the same critical (sometimes - I will admit - self-righteous or self-indulged -- but generally point bank) summary of them that I have with all people... and I just wonder how our personalities would have collided or meshed - especially if I had to work with them closely and often.
I only say that because in reading this Psalm David again is crying out for help and salvation from his enemies who are seeking his life.
Granted... I have never had to experience what it honestly feels like to have someone hell-bent on killing you and chasing you down every chance that they get - as David had with Saul, and then - once "in office," with some of the enemies of Israel.
It's hard for me to imagine what that would feel like - a life on the run - but I imagine it gets very wearisome and frustrating - so it's no wonder that David is crying out so often in his psalms for relief from his pursuers and wishing they would fall into their own traps and snares - whether physical or political.
It's also hard for me to imagine being the leader of a country - and especially a country that was constantly being attacked.
I judge David as being emotional and question whether maybe he is guilty of hyperbole in the Psalms - and though I do think he was a man of intense passions and higher emotions than many other leaders of the Bible - it makes more sense when I stop and consider his life why he wrote what he wrote...
But what is it that You would have me learn from this today?
I guess that at least today I can honestly say that I also need your quick salvation - and maybe I'm just irritated with David because he so readily admits it (or at least - it feels like he does since I'm reading these psalms everyday and it's such a reoccurring theme - although he didn't write these everyday necessarily - so perhaps he had the same struggle I also have...)
To be honest, I'd like to think that I don't need to be on my knees all the time asking you for help... that I can at least stand on my own two feet at least SOME of the time. But the truth is that I quickly fall into my own "me-ism"... I so quickly want to serve myelf - rather than you - to allow myself today just to ignore the higher calling You have called me to -
... not to lay aside my poor attitude
... not to give up my annoyance or grievances
... to cut myself some slack and allow myself to harrumph and grump about because it's cold outside and I want to curl up in bed and instead I have to go out - and not just go out - but go out and consider others first - to love other unlovable grumpy people - to be concerned about their needs - not mine - to care about them at least as much as (if not more than) myself - and today... today I don't feel like it at all.
If I'm honest - there's not may days I feel like loving other people - but especially today I feel like fulfilling my duties dutifully, but definitely not joyfully - and I really just want to get through them and past them so that I can do what I want...
... which to be even more honest right now - is to curl up in isolation with a blanket over my head and sulk... Sulk because change and growth take effort and sacrifice and I just don't want to care.
I am sulking for no good reason but to sulk - and even that fact is annoying me...
"Make haste, O God, to deliver me!
O Lord, make hast to help me!
These feelings that want to push me into shame and confusion -
Turn them back Father.
Lord, today my prayer is that you save me from myself!
May all who seek you rejoice and be glad in You!
May those who love your salvation say evermore, 'God is great!'
But I am poor and needy; hasten to me O God!
You are my help and deliver; O Lord, do not delay!"
Amen.
