February 25, 2014
Good morning Father -
Looks like it's going to be a grey and chilly day today. Had a couple of days of Spring - back to winter again >.<
February and March are normally like that here though...
I don't really mind it - matches my mood for today - a little quieter and more contemplative. Not in the mood to rush... which is good since I have the day off. The hardest thing is staying diligent on days like today when I have many nebulous goals.
...
The topic of Christianity and/vs. homosexuality has been popping up on my newsfeed again. Every time the discussion comes up You provide me with a lot of great places online where great conversations are going on - which is funny because I feel like there's such a lack of that in a lot of my "immediate" space (vs. virtual space, that is.) I don't feel called specifically to do anything with the information - but I feel like You keep it in front of me and keep challenging me to have an open heart and an open perspective... to listen respectfully to both sides (where they are being respectful anyways) and reserve judgment.
Yesterday evening I was specifically reading a lot of articles in context of the LBGTQ Christian community - a minority within a minority really - and about their hearts and wrestling with Scripture and with You on what that means for their lives.
I feel like there's sound Biblical teaching on both sides (i.e., those that see it as being straight forward "wrong" in the Bible, and those that see that there is little in the Bible that directly states anything about a dedicated and committed relationship between two people of the same-sex) and it makes me sad that some of my (even many of my) Christian counterparts would be really freaked out and concerned about me saying that much... so, I can't imagine what it would be like to actually struggle with homosexuality or have a kid who is struggling with it in that context.
I know that if I had a kid who was LBGTQ - I'd want to encourage him/her to wrestle with that question the same I would want them to wrestle with any identity-defining struggle they go through: one on one with You. That's not to say I'd want them to do it alone. I'd want to provide them with good resources - take them to meet other people who struggle with the same issue - talk to them honestly and openly about my thoughts and beliefs - But I would encourage them that ultimately it boils down to an issue they must wrestle with You through - and it may be a long, hard, and frustrating wrestle - but I wouldn't want them to give it up.
I know for me there hasn't been any definitive answer. I don't feel convicted to either affirm/confirm other people's relationships or reject them. Most of my close friends who are homosexual aren't Christians and I'm a lot more concerned about encouraging their relationship with You than I am about passing judgment on their relationship with their partner... And because I can't imagine someone loving me but constantly badgering me about my committed relationship to Jason - I just don't see how that would be helpful at all for me to do that to them either.
My friends who are Christian and are also gay - are really more acquaintances - and even then, I care more about encouraging them to walk with You and in relation to You (especially being aware of the constant pressure they probably feel to walk away from the Church and from You) - than I do about constantly asking them to reaffirm to prove to me the validity of their beliefs - simply because I still have questions of my own.
And that's the crux of it for me - I do still have questions of my own. I have no problem with accepting God's sovereignty in saying that something is wrong and "off-limits" simply because He says so - even if I don't understand it (although I admit - even that took me a long, long time to get to that point) - but I am painfully aware of two things when I say that:
1) This isn't an issue I personally struggle with... so when I say that I am okay with that - I realize that this is far from easy for others. In fact, it is probably the hardest and most painful question my gay Christian brothers and sisters are faced with all their lives. And there's no way that just because I could accept that statement easily I should expect it to be easy for them.
and
2) I am also very aware of the question as to whether or not You are in Scripture honestly saying that homosexuality in the context of a dedicated and committed loving relationship is wrong.
I've been over and over the Scriptures - and I honestly believe those who have wrestled with the Scriptures and their contexts have real points that I have yet to hear addressed from those who say "It says it's wrong - therefore, it is wrong."
At the same time, I realize that there isn't any support for same-sex intimate relationships in the Bible - and it's always in a negative context when it is talked about.
In my mind, however, the same is true about slavery in the Bible - but I don't think the Abolitionists did anything wrong in fighting for the end of slavery as accepted practice (in most of the Westernized world anyways) - and in fact, I am grateful thy did and that I grew up in the knowledge and cultural acceptance that slavery is wrong and something we should combat... and DEFINITELY not something we should support.
Yet there isn't any strong Scriptural evidence that ending human to human slavery was an agenda that You had... not as an overarching theme. In fact, Paul instructs on proper ownership mentality - proper management practice - proper treatment for Christians who were slave owners.
And though people say that the cultural context for slavery was more like an employer relationship nowadays - to me that also makes it relevant for Christian gays to say that the type of same-sex relationship that was rampant in those days in Roman and Grecian cultures (which is what Paul often addresses) was also a very different context than a committed, loving same-sex relationship today.
There are statements that "there is neither slave nor free" - but there are also statements that there is neither male nor female - which to me is what much of the debate hinges upon.
Take out gender/sex - and the issue is a non-issue.
I could spend hours recounting what You and and I have discussed over and over in our own conversations together. I have asked over and over that if I am wrong in any way that You would convict me of it in my spirit and help me to overcome whatever barriers I may have up - whether I recognize them or not - whether I am willing or not: "Get me there Father, and I will do my best to be willing along the way - but I realize I may be fighting you even if it isn't my intent."
It is hard for us to remove ourselves out of our cultural presuppositions - and I believe that goes both ways on the debate.
And this wrestling back and forth and constantly re-addressing the question - that's with me not even struggling WITH homosexuality - just trying to ensure that I am being truthful and honest to those I love! How much more intense and severe would the struggle be if I did actually struggle with wanting to be intimately linked with a woman rather than Jason -- all while understanding that the majority of those who share my faith - both historically and currently - reject that as wrong - and even finding in Your Word (upon which I depend) nothing that seems absolutely clear but at least evidences itself as a condemnation on this most basic fact that I can't seem to simply "erase" from my daily life and my daily struggle. I can't even begin to imagine... and for those who ARE in that boat, I simply can't shove the Scripture in their face and say "JUST READ WHAT IT SAYS AND AGREE" and walk away.
Even in my time with You - trying to be honest and open and asking You to help me - I feel You have left it open - and encourage me to listen. To be concerned about the individual and their heart for You - than obsessed about what I believe is right or wrong about their lives... and that goes for people on both sides of the argument. I haven't gotten a definitive sense from You - though I have asked - on knowing where I ought to "side" in the argument...
Rather, I sense you saying to me that I'm not to enter into backing one side of the other - but to do my best to hear the hearts of the individual person... and that even more so for those who are wrestling to figure out whether they are or aren't homosexual and what that means as a part of their lives - to encourage them to go to You and find in You the answers they seek - the comfort they hope for - the love they need - the confirmation in their identity that we all desperately want... it isn't in or out of their sexuality... but in You.
And what saddens me is just being honest with that much is cause for concern for a lot of the people I love.
I feel like for a lot of my fellow Christians that excludes me from being considered an 'equal' sister of Christ. It demotes me to needing to have greater faith and conviction in God's Word (which in and of itself is an odd ranking system within the church.)
And I feel like for many of my friends who are homosexual - me saying that would make them question whether I really love them for who they are, or whether I only love "parts" of them. I wonder whether because I can't answer to them that yes, I believe God sanctions you being homosexual - but have to say "I'm not sure, you have to go to God for that - and I'd love to be a part of encouraging you to do that and providing to you the same resources I have had that have made me think and wonder, though to be honest... I still have no answer except to love each person for their heart - and that sexuality is only a very small part of that equation" - would make them think that I somehow love them less... or support them less... or care less about them and the person that they love and are committed to (whom I also love and am committed to in friendship and family)...
Enough... this issue goes upon itself in circles and circles. I feel like I write this more for others than for You - though it is honest that it has been on my heart and mind all night and all morning - and for many years longer than that - and so... to be honest right now Lord in my time with You - I lay it before You.
Rather than me trying to sort it all out in words - in my heart and mind - I want to entrust You with it in my soul.
I know I want an easy fix and You promise none. I know I want instant peace on the issue - a definite "Yes" or a definite "No" - but You have let me know it is good that I wrestle with it - and You will simply keep making me wrestle with it - because it helps me stay aware that I have gay brothers and sisters in Christ whom You love - who are wrestling with this in a soul-wrenching way - and as their sister in Christ - I also share in their burden and cannot just lightly dismiss the entire debate. In a way, my wrestling with it is my way of praying and lifting them up in common struggle and love. Because I confess that if you gave me an easy answer, my tendency would be to just deliver that answer and then walk away from the conversation... and that is not what You have called me to... that much I know for sure.
Help me Father - where I am able - where You give me opportunity - to speak with both grace and truth... To be responsive to Your Spirit - Your Word - to Your leading - not to reconstruct who You are and what You say to match my desires and beliefs.
I do not want a god created in my image - I want to be created in Yours.
I feel like it is harder than we think to avoid making gods in our own images... so help me Spirit because I'm pretty bad at being my own guard.
Psalm 98
"Let the sea roar - and all that fills it;
the world and all who dwell in it!
Let the rivers clap their hands;
let the hills sing for joy together
before the Lord, for he comes to judge the earth.
He will judge the world with righteousness,
and the peoples with equity."
What an amazing statement.
If I had to pick two words to encapsulate the most visible and vocal sides of the political debate - the one side would be "righteousness/holiness" and the other "equality" - and here, You promise to come to judge the world and its peoples with both. I feel that should be sobering for all...
But I look forward to it... which is odd for me to say because usually I feel like Your judgment is a hard thing for me to understand - and definitely not something I am usually comfortable considering.
And I'm still not comfortable - but I am aware right now in the midst of all of this what a muddle we humans make of judgment... How impossible it is for us to judge together with righteousness and equality.
Where in Your Kingdom the two go hand in hand... here we pit them against each other and thus, stalemate - because they were never meant to countermand one another - but instead to work in perfect harmonic tension and balance.
It will be lovely one day for all of this to be made clear... what right now feels like me trying to do my best in the midst of a lot of human error and blindspots and misgivings - to one day breathe a sigh of relief because it will all be sorted out - and finally make sense.
The whole world will rejoice: we are not the only ones who suffer at the hands of our confusion...
Father, I look forward to the day when we can stand before you and actually know and experience - not just say - that all of us are standing on equal/level AND holy ground.
Amen Lord - and help me to live my life in better reflection of You today... with courage, love, and truth...
Amen - and Thank You.
