February 23, 2014
Having one of those mornings where anything I can bang, bump, or run into - I will =P
Luckily, even with it taking me so much longer today I got up with Jason so there is a sweet luxury of time. Think we will have to continue to keep this up... we'll see.
Feeling a little tired today - I don't think I've been sleeping well. Been having trouble breathing lately. Might be because of Apple - but also the shift of seasons. My reactions are getting back to being manageable, but there are some times when I scare both Jason and myself - fighting for breath. It's amazing how for-granted we take breathing and oxygen. Hardly ever think about it until suddenly we aren't getting enough and it feels like the most important thing in the world.
...
Apple is collecting all her toys in the sunbeam - She has been such a joy in Jason's and my life. This morning she kept stealing my socks out of our closet - She'd run in and grab a pair then run out to the living room and come back and get another pair. Pretty soon we had a trail of socks going out. It made me laugh... and anyone who can make me laugh in the mornings is doing pretty good!!
It's amazing how much we love having her in our lives.
...
I feel so contented with life it's hard sometimes to remember to keep looking forward. I've been saying and saying that I need to do grad school research and still keep avoiding it. Part of me wonders if a large impetus for me in looking into grad school is because I am afraid to become one of those "dead beat" people who do nothing but retail jobs their whole life - dependent on someone else - never growing their own lives.
The arrogance in that is evident - and I'm not proud of it. I'd never say that out-loud or to anyone else, but I feel like there's a part of me that reacts that way and reflects a lot of the internalized societal pressure and thought. I was always such an A+ student that I wonder a lot of times how disappointed all my teachers may be in me if I do nothing else with my life.
... How disappointed I may be in myself.
Yet I AM happy... contented and settled in - comfortable - which are also things I've always (at least in that same corner of my head where I don't like to admit those uncomfortable truths) also thought was bad - and still have spasms of panic that I'm stuck in a rut - that I'm going no where in life - that I'm a failure - a bore - that I was meant for so much more than this and settled for so much less.
There's arrogance in THAT too. Somehow I think that I (oh so gifted in life as I am =P) was meant for more than the "bores" who keep up part-time jobs and live off their spouses' income.
It's sickening really - those little quiet nasty thoughts that sneak in - and though I know I'm casting things right now in the ultimate negative light... it's mainly because I want to expose them - and burn them out.
There are GOOD things about seeking out adventure and wanting my life to be bigger than Roanoke, VA... but those ways come more naturally to me - and being honest about how truly happy I am in the way of life I have typically scorned (whether I want to admit that I've scorned it to myself or not) has been humbling... and one I still struggle with balancing against the good desires of also wanting life to be about more than comfort and personal stability.
I am hoping I can get rid of all the nasty wormy thoughts and the arrogance I so easily adopt in reaction to people who do work retail and are proud of their work and dedicated to their job. (I am one of those people right now!) And appreciate how wonderful a choice of life that really is.
I am trying to let myself bask in the joys of working part time - to allow myself to really appreciate them: having time and space to breathe - to be - to keep house - to play - to read - to visit - to be free... to go to work and leave work at work - to come home and be unburdened... it has been a glorious gift.
Maybe I was meant to just revel in life? I still can't shake the feeling that I need to at least explore what You may have out there for me because I honestly love school too much not to be in one in some capacity or another I think... but perhaps what I can take with me is a new understanding - truly a different perspective - on what a "successful" life looks like - and try to share that with students who grew up believing that they must be doctors, lawyers, teachers, managers, leaders, or something better than a part-time worker - in order for their lives to "mean something."
Help me to measure my life - and help others to measure theirs - in view of eternity - where the greatest currency is love and with as short as our time is - that it matters most how we spend our lives sharing in - abiding in - learning and growing in - love above all else.
It isn't easy to keep that in focus - and I'm still trying to learn balance between staying ready to move forward and being okay with contentment at the same time.
Psalm 97
So many psalms of praise and thanksgiving! I love these psalms Lord - it is a sweet place to be in Scripture. Reading them I often feel my heart leap inside me and an excitement and joy at the proclamations of how wondrous You are and how good Your works.
It is hard also not to instinctually smother that with intellect and "academic objectivity" - when really - all you care about is that the joy and fierce exuberance take hold of my life and help it burn fresh and new in a blaze of joy and thanksgiving and life.
"The Lord reigns, let the earth rejoice;
let the many coastlands be glad!
Clouds and thick darkness are all around him;
righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne."
Just thinking about the wonder and beauty of Your Creation - and how it leaps for joy - that wild, fierce joy - in praise of You - its Maker - takes my breath away.
However boring I may think my life is - however insignificant - or ridiculous - we truly serve such an amazing - as-far-from-boring-as-you-can-get God. And in rejoicing in You it suddenly doesn't matter what I do in the rest of my life in fact - it seems sad and insignificant that I should do anything BUT rejoice and bask in Your presence - BE with that same fierce joyful wild existence that nature gets - that savage beauty that crows with the untamed and intense rush that is survival and life and death - right up against those moments of stillness and rest and beauty and just being.
Father - help my life to be one of fierce joyful existence. We so easily get caught up in believing that we are mundane and insignificant and must do some career in order for our lives to matter and be succesful. But in Your Kingdom - the fact that we ARE means we have the same purpose of all Creation - to joyfully exist in praise and worship of You - and BEYOND all Creation - to be Your Beloved.
"Dawn is sown for the righteous
and joy for the upright in heart."
Plant sunrises in my heart Father -
that I might be a city of light on a hill - a beacon of hope and life that welcomes all who are willing to come and see how gloriously bright their lives are - no matter WHO they are - or WHAT they do. Because they ARE - because they EXIST - their purpose is to wondrously and fiercely live in the joy of knowing You.
I thank You Father for the fierce beauty of this world - for the savage beauty of existence - and pray that one day - when all things are set right - our eyes would be fully opened to the perfect balance of how You meant this world to be.
Amen.
Thank you - and Amen.
