February 11, 2014
Woke up this morning feeling like a bulldozer had hit me - and kinda looking like it had too! So thankful for a day off...
Jason and I made it up to church yesterday for the church's Christian Life conference. I'm glad we did. I was talking to Emily afterwards about how I can hear Steve asking me "What does this all mean for your life Whitney?"
Been thinking a little about the incongruence of my life between my Christian friends and non-Christian friends. I like to think that I keep a pretty consistent personality everywhere - I don't even like grouping people into those two categories in my life because I feel like it too easily lends itself to treating people not as people - but as "types of people." Still I think to myself that there are probably things that my Christian friends would (or might) be disappointed to find out about me - and things my non-Christian friends might be disappointed to find out about me.
As I write this though, I realize how silly it is - my main concern is that I don't want to be ashamed of the cross and I don't want to disappoint You - and none of the above has anything really to do with that.
When I ask "What disappoints You, Father?" I have to agree with JoAnn that it's less about what we believe or don't believe in theory (besides belief in Your Son and his work on the cross) and more about what we fail to do or show or tell people about Your grace - Your forgiveness - Your overwhelming and abiding love.
Maybe it's heretical for me to say - but I feel like You care less about us having our shit together theologically than You do about us giving You thanks and praise and rejoicing in the work of Your Son - not just once for us - but daily and ongoing into eternity.
I know there's a balance between you being a loving God and a righteous God - a King who is both so fully that there is no compromise on either side - that I am probably missing - at least in part... but when I ask myself, "What is it that I want for my life?" It is that I want what You want for it...
But right now when I ask, "What do You want from it?" It feels like there's a lot of static electricity over the line.
I get brief and splotchy glimpses - mostly generalities:
> Remain faithful in what I have entrusted to you.
> Continue to press forward and press on in diligently seeking me out and wanting to know me more - Build that as a way of life right now
> Keep talking to people and push yourself to be honest. Examine your heart - put it before me so that I can examine it and point out to you where you sugar coated - where you compromised - where you kept from them the whole truth for your glory (because you wanted them to like you) - or kept love from them for your gain. I will show you - because I love you - and true love is truth.
> Don't give up on any possibility for your future - I haven't shut any doors yet - so don't pretend that they are closed.
Press on... press on with what you have and trust me. I will tell you when things are going to change. You will know... Stay ready.
Do you know how hard it is to live consistently like that as a human? I feel like 99% of my time I am slipping around stumbling more than running - if this is a marathon then I look like I'm running on a slip-and-slide wet slide I think...
The 1% of the time I think I'm doing it right is probably because I'm simply not moving at all.
Sometimes I feel like this is all a joke - a total and complete satirical farce... There's just no way. No way that we can even begin to accomplish one iota of Your master plan in these frail and pathetic human wraps. It isn't that the plan is too grandiose or unreasonable or wrong - it's just that I feel like I'm a joke at trying to be a part of it... that's how poorly I feel like I succeed at even doing the smallest part right - let alone something larger.
I told Jason that the hardest thing for me to hold in my heart and head and soul and body is that in me I have defeat - in You I have victory.
Maybe that's the point... We're supposed to keep running on this wet-n-wild marathon with all diligence and determination - despite our constant face plants and bum wrecks - so that in the midst of feeling like we're screwing everything up - from big to small - when we finally see the final product - when You show us what You accomplished in our pathetic efforts - we really do have to take the crowns and the laurels and the accolades and throw them back at You because it's utter and complete insanity - a total joke - to even think that we actually accomplished the worthwhile end product... Some divine magic had to intervene and make something great and glorious and meaningful out of our slip-shod efforts and macguyvered solutions.
Am I bitter about this?
Maybe a little - if I'm honest Lord. Why are we so hugely crippled? And I know that it wasn't Your original will/desire that we be so heavily aware of the absolute joke it is for us to be tied to You... that is - You wanted us in perfect union with You without that sense of shame and failure. And to be honest, You STILL give us some pretty incredible names - some hints at the glory You intended for us to be and are not yet - not now - that even the angels would bow down in reverence and service to us - that You came in our likeness and that your Son will remain in human flesh all eternity - that You set us in dominion over all the earth - that Christ is called the Son of Man - not just the Son of God...
There are hints - and You promise restoration to that someday...
"You are like gods"
"Christ - who being in His very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped."
Paul and David had glimpses and hints of our potential. I see it sometimes and yet feel like we are so far away from accomplishing it - and we are... Throughout all of history - despite all of our advances in technology and intelligence and power - the conditions in our hearts remain the same.
We have - as the human race - the capacity to stop wars - to stop world hunger - to bring relief at least in part to diseases and crippling illnesses - to even make individual choices to be healthy - to love one another - that potential is there - and yet we have not achieved it.
Some of my atheistic friends believe we will get there someday - if we believe in it enough - if more people, enough people - believed in it and strived for it - that we would get there. In that we share a similar belief because I agree we have the potential - I believe we could - but I despair when I look within. With all my best intentions - even living as a fairly decent human being - I look at my life and see it as me running on a soapy wet slide -
For both of us - it doesn't change the fact that we feel called to press on living the best we can - each step in the right direction is one step forward - even if it feels like (and in some cases is) 10 steps back... perhaps that is why we get along so well - we are all (those of my atheistic friends who I am thinking about and Jason and me - anyways) thoroughly convicted that we must keep doing our best to live decent human lives because it is the only way to "rightly" live...
Just our hope is in different places - and I think that changes how we think about how we live, and consequently our actions.
I don't see us getting there - so I hope that something greater - I hope that You are taking my slipshod efforts and making something out of them.
Many of my friends hope that their overall efforts matter (and they do, I think) to the general progression of humanity to a better place.
I feel painfully aware of all the areas where we are failing (as humans) and I think they know them too - but they are more aware, I think, of where they see us (as humans) succeeding...
And what I mostly see is us perpetually trying hard and always falling short.
That, I feel like, sums up my life's endeavor. Even with all the "success" I feel like I could claim - in school smarts - in a great marriage - in a happy life - in a decent human existence - the undercurrent awareness is one of trying hard and yet making so little difference as to be laughable.
Maybe that's more a personality difference than necessarily a belief difference - but what changes it for me is my hope and belief that there is something greater than I can see - tying together all the efforts of humanity towards decency and restructure and balance and rightness (can't we all tell the world is off?) - covering over the ugly spots with grace and mercy and moving us towards redemption and righteousness and rightness and final completion - not because WE accomplished it - but simply because we wanted to be a part of it - it made a difference.
Maybe many of my friends who hope for the human race to be in a better place believe the same thing - but in a different mechanism...
And what does that all mean?
What does that all mean for you -
for your life Whitney...
What does it all mean?
I really don't know.
Maybe - keep going.
Let your heart rejoice.
Give thanks.
Be aware of me.
Let me flood you with my presence because I AM here
- and it does matter.
I am the Logos that ties all things together -
I am the force holding together even the atoms of this world.
I am the breath of life that gives movement and emotion and purpose - to make random conglomerations of non-living elements BE living things.
I am mystery and magic and beauty and things intangible - that you know without knowing how you know - or why you know it - or even what you know.
I am Beginning and End...
And I am determined to love you to the very beginnings and ends of existence.
It matters. It matters in a way you can't know - you can't see - your slipshod efforts - your stumbling - your race on this crazy earth and that crushing sense of futility in everything you do - even in everything you succeed - it matters. It matters to me.
We're going to get there - longer than you hope - but sooner than you think... We're going to get there...
Keep going. Don't give up - and don't forget - I'm running with you... you are not running alone. Be Aware of Me.
Maybe I am crazy... maybe it's all a help for me to continue living a decent human life - and maybe a crutch I fall back upon when I give up and fail (so often)...
But I wish I could share it - this conviction and this sense of Presence.
The sustenance and life line and hope that keeps me going... I hunger to know more about You - to understand You better. I want to be able to share you but feel like my words fail and that I truly sound crazy to anyone who hasn't experienced the same thing... But maybe that's the point. There are people out there hungry to talk about You - hungry - like I am to know what that means for our lives - and we need to talk about it... We need to put it out there - to advertise that we have water - so that any who feels like they are dying of thirst may come and drink and at least see if this water fulfills their thirst...
I won't lie... I won't say the price isn't high for the water I drink: It's everything you think you are - everything you hope you could be - everything you want -
Traded in to receive everything you never dreamed of - more than you could have asked for - a hope not yet fulfilled but driving you forward - and a desperate longing ... a chronic groaning pain - you sometimes learn to live with and sometimes stuff: for the long race to be over - for it all to be accomplished - for your attempts to be done... but then again, maybe that chronic pain is always there anyways and that's why we are thirsty in the first place.
How is this good? Yet it it is... and I'm happy - I'm so fiercely joyful Father to know that simply doing what what You have asked me to do - Simply wanting to love you more...
Simply being and living - and all my best (and worst) efforts - they matter.
Maybe they aren't enough to make a difference - at least much of a difference - in all the world's needs -
But they are enough for You to say - "Keep going. Don't give up."
Too many things. So many words and still not all the meanings I hope for.
So much time spent and yet I feel this is still so empty.
That is what faith is - Whitney.
Believing in the meaning - in the "mattering" you cannot see.
Just keep going and trust me.
It matters more than you can see.
Bank your life on that hope.
Grasp onto it firmly.
Establish that in your heart.
Found your life upon it.
Yes - it is terrifying - but you have to trust me... it means more than you can see.
I know that to be true - but it doesn't make it any easier to do...
And yet, despite it all - I DO trust you ...
Break through the barriers of my heart - so that I can truly say that with joy and understanding Father. Amen.
Psalm 92, my Lord... write it on my heart in belief.
