February 4, 2014
Feeling a little defeated before I even start today. Think I may be getting sick and it's made me grumpy. Apple was all happy high energy until I found her eating the thyme plant and popped her. Now all sad eyes and cuddles. I feel bad...
Even dogs know the difference between discipline out of love vs. frustration...
Have so much to do today but all I want to do is curl up and get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Been sleeping so much on my time off recently - Probably the only thing keeping me from getting sick...
Not to mention the puppy getting up once a night. It is good preparation for parenting - although I feel kids sleep more in the first couple of months during the day... I am really hoping we can have it where I'm not working or only working part-time when we have kids because I don't know how I will survive without sleep.
So whiny today... I just want to curl up and sleep! ALL DAY LONG!
Good thing Bible study is at 12 or else I would probably be really tempted to do just that. It is hard to resist even now. Just worn out... weary of "doing good" - I guess that is clear enough indication of a heart issue. I take so much credit for just living rightly when the truth is I'm fighting you for the bit every other second and then standing and moping about how awful things are when I finally wrest control and you allow me to have it until I dejectedly give up.
Love me anyway, Father! In the midst of my pathetic-ness and stubbornness and disobedience and grumpiness and petulance - love me anyway! Please... I need Your love - need to be able to burrow into it - be comfy and cozy in it and just let it soak in until I'm ready to face the world again. Help me Father - I know it's all in You - for You - by You - through You - under Your control -
But I am tired.
Even without doing anything - not accomplishing even one bit of something - I still feel tired and want cuddles and love and am being pathetic and clingy about it today - I know. Love me - Love me - Love me - please love me - anyways.
Psalm 88
"O Lord, God of my salvation,
I cry out day and night before you. v.1
Let my prayer come before you;
incline your ear to my cry! v.2
For my soul is full of troubles,
and my life draws near to Sheol. v.3
You have put me in the depths of the pit,
in the regions dark and deep. v.6
Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
and you overwhelm me with all your waves." v.7
Sometimes Father I do feel that You are the one who puts us in the pit - who presses in upon us with Your presence and grandeur and awesome-ness so big that it threatens to strangle us.
The waves that called out - deep to deep - and roused in me the passion to live for You - are now the very same waves that threaten to crush me in their intensity and the fact that You are too much Father - TOO MUCH!
Even life is hard... even existence is hard...
Let alone a purposeful - intentional existence...
Even as little as I do - or try to lay down - is too little... and yet for me it is hard and I find it hard to sustain.
"I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
my eye grows dim through sorrow. v.8
Everyday I call upon you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you. v.9
O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me? v.14
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless." v.15
I cannot sustain this life without You Father - and I know You are not far off now - though at times I have been where this Psalmist is - Feeling like You have withdrawn and left me exposed and alone... But this morning I hear You say to me - Come then - Put down your pen my love - put it down and come snuggle up and let's rest together for a bit. There is time - and we need this together.
Let's cuddle and be reconciled and re-filled. I want to hold you and you want to burrow into my love - so come baby... come and let me hold you.
I'm coming Daddy...
I love you.
Woo
