January 31, 2014
Had a grumpy start to the morning. Pup dogs (we're dog-sitting Pip) were up at 5:30am and ready to go and I wanted to sleep for another 2 hours.
It's disconcerting to find out how selfish I am - especially in light of Jason's stepping into the gap I leave behind. I feel completely inadequate knowing this life you've called me to. Much too, too selfish to love even the smallest fraction of Your love... even to those closest to me.
Feeling disheartened... I want to be a better person - a person more like You - just feel like it's constantly a losing battle.
Psalm 86
"Incline your ear O Lord, and answer me
For I am poor and needy.
Preserve my life, for I am godly.
Save your servant who trusts in you -
You are my God.
Be gracious to me, O Lord,
for to you do I cry all the day.
Gladden the soul of your servant
for to you, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving,
abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.
Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer,
listen to my plea for grace.
In the day of my trouble I call upon you,
for you answer me.
There is none like you among the gods, O Lord,
nor are there any works like yours.
All the nations you have made shall come and worship before you, O Lord,
and shall glorify your name.
For you are great and do wondrous things,
you alone are God.
Teach me your way O Lord,
that I may walk in your truth;
unite my heart to fear your name.
I give thanks to you O Lord my God,
with my whole heart
and I will glorify your name forever.
For great is your steadfast love toward me,
you have delivered my soul from the depths of Sheol.
Amen.
Praying that Psalm as I write it. Thank you Father - it was exactly what I needed this morning...
I came this morning fearing a little that I would come to a dry and empty place in Your Word - where I would feel the desolation in my soul right now only louder and clearer - and instead You hold up a mirror - wipe my face - cuddle me up - and begin to tell me why I should not hate the face I see - and to help me see it both grace AND truth.
No more pretending.
It's true that I am inadequate - completely inadequate... It's also true that You are able - You will teach me - and You have a purpose for me that You will accomplish.
Teach me Your way, O Lord,
that I may walk in your truth
Unite my heart to fear your name.
That is my prayer this morning - tired, worn-out, slipping in and out of sleep... disheartened by my own weakness. I come to You - because You have delivered me out of death and brought me into life - and I want to trust You can use me to do Your will on earth.
Amen.
