She snuggles closer to me... little fuzzball pupdog.
So much trust and peace - sleeping the afternoon away as though apartments and jobs and futures don't matter... And maybe they shouldn't, but they loom large in my mind with their uncertainties.
First week off my job...
Two months away from moving out of this apartment...
First rejection from Japan...
This is feeling less and less like courage in the face of adventure and more and more like foolishness in the face of uncertainty.
Every journey begins with a first step -- but it feels strange to feel the last step dissolving behind you.
The only way forward right now is just that - forward - with no clear direction or purpose. Just a bunch of "I thinks" and "maybes"...
And in the midst of this You are uncharacteristically quiet and removed. I reach out for a touch of assurance and rather than a peace that embalms my heart with no effort from my end I get: "Trust Me."
Just one verse at a time lately has been your mode of communication.
When irritated and frustrated:
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit - but in humility consider others more highly than yourself."
When overwhelmed with what lays ahead and all the uncertainties:
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for -- the evidence of things unseen."
I am trying to lean in in the midst of my impatience -- in the midst of my frustration, fear, and uncertainty.
I want to strike against your chest and throw a tantrum.
Why can't you just fix this?
Why do things have to be hard?
Why can't I simply escape down a million stories that take me away?
Give me more than this.
Lift from me the weight of petty disbelief.
I'm so frustrated Father.
Feeling my wheels spinning and nothing seems to get them to stop except becoming numb.
Inside I feel like I'm throwing a thousand fits.
Crawling out of my skin...
Help me. Help me. Help me.
