Friday, July 15, 2016
Feeling pretty battered today Lord... pretty beaten up and worn down. Perhaps it's just because it's piled up on top of the job searching, apartment searching, future searching, trying not to let fear and anxiety take root and stifle the life out of me...
The undercurrents of sorrow and desperation in our country - in our world...
And on top of all that the Pokemon Go fiasco with people in church.
To be honest I'd give it up in a heartbeat if I thought it necessary or that you were asking me to - but I feel tied into this in the sense that I would be doing it simply because someone somewhere says it's wrong and too dangerous.
Along with it then I feel I should give up so many books that have mattered to me - ones with "gods" in them - questionable music - questionable movies - that I should eat, drink, sleep Christian stuff - only Christian stuff - because it's the only "allowed" form of entertainment - the only place You supposedly show up - although I have personally experienced that not to be true.
I feel like Scripture is used in both arguments - but of course my side is "suspect" and twisting Scriptures according to the other side - and honestly I feel like the Scriptures they're using relate to the actual worship & act of calling upon demons or idols... not anything remotely related to anything non-Christian or "other-religion" related...
Honestly... I feel like it's a little ridiculous that I'm allowing this to get under my skin - to make me question everything I believe in and my understanding of Your character and who You are or whether I'm doing everything all wrong - or whether I'm actually a believer at all - or whether I'm a actually a "real Christian" or should be Christian at all...
I mean - it isn't like the Church hasn't had this discussion over and over again in my life - on Harry Potter - on various movies - on video games - on books - my sources of entertainment - my entire life I feel like is constantly being called into question by "experts in the field."
They would be appalled by what I read - destroy what I write - look at what I watch - what I listen to - who my friends are - and determine that all I am is living a life of active rebellion against You and I'd dare not even tell them some of my private musings and intimate beliefs that I share with few because I'm not sure they're anywhere correct but I still wonder about them anyways.
I feel myself shrinking back into myself - simultaneously torn by the desire not to be pressured into someone else's definition of who I ought to be - but also terrified that I'm getting it all wrong - I'm getting YOU all wrong.
My atheistic and agnostic friends would read all of this and their hearts would break for me. "See," they would say, "This is why your religious belief is terrible. It is a bully beating you down - being used to control and conform you and strip from you all the gifts of who you are and the joy you could bring into the world. Why do you keep to this?!"
I want to tell them that You're bigger than that - that there's so much MORE that we don't see - that You break down barriers and set people free - both from the burdens of this world and enslavement to things we don't even know have gotten their hooks into us - that You are a vast and incredible God - one who spoke the Universe into being - spun the stars into motion - that you spark with life and joy and complexity... that there's so much to You that I don't understand and Your justice and holiness is chief amongst those things - but it's worth it... It's so worth it to enter into this journey with you - through the heartache - pain - and confusion. It's worth it for the joy - the intimacy - the help - the transformation - to love as never before - to experience life through the eyes of eternity instead of just right now... to know and trust that there is something infinitely bigger - infinitely greater - infinitely loving - and that You know my name and care about me.
In the light of that - Pokemon - books - movies - whatever - they pale... they wash out. WHO CARES I want to shout this is an INFINITE, VAST, and LOVING God and I want to lose myself in Him - not in shoulds or should nots or examining every facet of my life in an attempt to discover if there is any hidden sin - You search me, O God - I've done all I feel that I can and that I should in order to stand with integrity and honesty before You - but that isn't to say I didn't miss something - or even a whole lot of somethings.
... But even I am struggling to believe it all right now...
Father - I am willing - I would give the moon and back to You if you would ask and I could give it. I would do anything You required of me - but first I feel like I need to rest and abide in You as I am because otherwise I am not sure I can.
And yet I feel like I can't. I can't rest. Maybe because I'm not worthy - maybe because I'm not trusting you - may because... a million reasons why? Maybe I'm waiting to get permission?
From who? You? Myself? Someone else?
Back to spinning thoughts...
Back to my spiraling descent into paralyzing fear and that familiar inability to breathe...
The weight of faith is crushing me right now Father - or perhaps it is disbelief - all I know is that I feel pinned and as though I am slowly suffocating in desperation...
It isn't just Pokemon - it's everything - and I feel crushed.
I am terrified to open Your Word... terrified of what I might read and how perhaps it might crush me even more... But I find myself reaching out in the hopes that perhaps it might be like water to my soul - perhaps it may even bring me relief.
"As the deer pants for water
So my soul pants for you,
My soul thirsts for you, O God
for the living - vibrant - true God -
When shall I come and appear before You?
My tears have been my food,
day and night,
While they say to me all the day long,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them in procession to the house of God,
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude partying in joy.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?!
Why so disturbed within me?!
Hope in God - Hope in God - Hope in God - Hope in God
for I shall (someday? [again] now?) praise him
my salvation and my God.
Despite all my efforts - my soul IS downcast within me
Therefore I remember you -
from the land of rescue - the place of salvation - from the mount of peace/rest
from the valleys - to the heighest heights - and the hills in between...
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls
all your breakers and waves have crashed over me
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God - my rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my bones
my adversaries taunt me,
while their voices in my head and heart say all day long,
"Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul -
Why so disturbed within me??
Hope in God - just keep hoping in God - do not give up - just keep trying
hold on for dear life to that Hope - He is Good - He is Good - He is Good -
He is Good - He is Good - He is Good - He loves me. He loves me.
He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. He is Love. He is Love. He is Love.
He is Love. He is Love. He is Good. He is Good. He is Good. He is Good.
You can Trust him. Trust Him. TRUST HIM. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope.
"Hope" is the thing with feathers --
that perches in the soul --
And sings the tune without words -
And never stops - at all -
And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -
I've heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.
(Emily Dickinson)
Faith is the substance of things hoped for,
the evidence of things not seen.
Hope. Hope. Hope in the Lord - Hope in the Lord - O my soul - and hold onto for dear life onto that hope. hope in God --
For I shall again (someday? now?) praise him, my salvation (He is my salvation - He will rescue me - He will not leave me alone or abadoned. He has always come for me in the past - He will again - wait for Him - wait for Him - wait for Him - wait for Him - wait wait wait - hope hope hope) and my God.
I will yet praise Him - I will yet praise. Him.
my salvation and my God.
(Psalm 42)
