I read a post today from someone I generally respect about how Pokemon was basically from the devil and felt my last reserves crumble away.
It has less to do with either the ridiculousness or the validity of his point of view - I think you would say you have more important things to worry about than Pokemon if you were here - and maybe that's kind of the point.
I feel like the rich man who sadly walked away after you told him to sell everything and come follow you.
I always had thought how sad that material wealth had kept this man from experiencing the full life of adventure he could've had with you - but today I feel like that sad man.
Like someone who has willingly laid so much at your feet - my future - my marriage - my passions - my talents - my trust - my insecurities - my weaknesses - my infirmities.
Like I have tried for the last several years to be content with where you have me - trusting that there is a reason. That I have wrestled both with understanding and being willing to come alongside of those "of your flock" and those "not of your flock" and wrestled with YOU - to trust and love you - to give thanks for all the blessings of my life while trying not to cling to them more tightly than you.
I'm not trying to say that I've been perfect, or even that I have been a model Christian - but I have done my best to faithfully follow after you with the hope and trust that my best is enough and you have grace enough to cover all my failings - because without that grace I am lost - truly lost - and unable...
And after all of that - after all these years - I feel like the young man who has come to you eager with all I have to give and you have told me it isn't enough.
You don't just want my happiness -- you want to take my comfort - you want whatever little pleasure I may get out of whatever distractions I may have - my books, Pokemon, movies - any escape from the world that gives me momentary relief - that allows me to breathe for a second - you want me to freely give that up for you and be willing to be 100% present - all the time - to the pain and suffering and sorrow that is wracking this world with shuddering sobs and making everything tremble to pieces like an earthquake.
And it's too much. I don't know that I can enter into that with you Father. This is too much for me to bear and I cannot bear it alone.
And even though I know you tell me I am not alone - that you will be there with me - I want to throw your hand off me with anger and disgust. This is what an abusive relationship feels like - a deep co-dependent twisted relationship where we throw everything away for each other. And everything in my life and experience has taught me that these relationships end only in toxicity and destruction.
But I am no man.
You remind me...
Yes - but I AM - just a human - just dust - and you're asking me to give anything and everything I may ever trust - take delight in - anything that gives me space to simply be - to tear down every defense, every wall - and to be exposed to every element that is battering this world to pieces - and to stand naked in front of it - completely vulnerable and exposed.
I cannot!!
I am too afraid --
And HOW do I do that? Where do I even begin?
Selah
[I begin to understand that word in Psalms. Perhaps it meant a storm of emotion - a struggle/wrestle of hearts betwen you and David too deep or profound to put into words.]
OK... take it.
I don't know what that means or what it will look like - you will have to tell me what this giving it over and giving it up means...
It's as simple - and straightforward - and as hard as it sounds Whitney.
Give. It. Up.
Selah
Please Lord help me because I am weak.
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What I want is distraction
Not to reach out and touch this world -
raw and rare
flayed open with all its sores laid bare
to my trembling frightened touch.
I do not want to dive into that pool
deep, dark, unknown - to have to face the colossus of being
to have to face it alone -
exposed.
Give me anything - movies - stories - games -
any distraction at all
to keep me from being aware.
Anything but aware
I DON'T WANT IT.
I would rather stay safe
Cocooned in my comfortable coverings of denial,
Than to have to reach out and press
this world's bleeding and throbbing heart
anywhere near my own.
And to feel our pain
with nothing between us.
