August 15, 2014
You and I haven't been talking lately.
Well... sort-of. We have been talking here and there - but not like this where I sit down and honestly focus in.
Part of it is that I have been ignoring You - frustrated because it feels like You haven't been doing anything and I haven't been doing anything - when of course, You were - just maybe not with me directly.
I feel like You are taking so much more time than I am used to You taking to accomplish things in my life... or maybe You've planted the seeds of an idea earlier and now I sit there anxiously watching for signs of its growth - and it is taking longer than I expect.
At any rate - inch by inch I feel like things are moving and I keep trying to guess what is the end goal without much success. There are a lot of days I am tempted to just throw my hands up and give up - and I feel like You look at me perplexed: "Why does this have to be aimed at some ulterior 'higher/greater' end goal? Why can't it just be a thing - in and of itself - with value and purpose for the here an now?" And of course it can - and it does - but You're always weaving things of my life together unexpectedly and now I have had this silly attitude of trying to read everything as some "sign" as to "what's next?!" for Jason and me - especially in regards to Japan.
There's so much silliness there Lord. I don't honestly know what I want of my life and that scares and frustrates me. I want to spend it making a difference in other people's lives and yes - enjoying it too - But I'm not clear on what You would want of it for me and maybe I am scared to ask.
Whatever it is - it is more than likely not going to be easy - But I hope it is at least exciting.
Maybe that's more it - I want to look forward to my life - Be excited about it - rather than spend everyday getting up hoping for the day to be over already - or wishing I could just stay balled up in bed - safe and tucked away. But I know that is more an internal problem than an external - a heart change, not a circumstantial one...
And although that should give me hope right now that we could do anything and be anywhere - in fact - we could be in the here and now and it could be wondrous! More often than not right now it has been leading me to despair - Because nothing I can do will change the condition of my heart.
That doesn't mean my heart can't be changed - Just that I can't change it - and Father - I want to believe in a way that it changes how I wake up in the morning - that everything is full of purpose and meaning - that there is opportunity for changed lives around every corner - that I can make a difference just by being where You have placed me and who You have made me to be -
And I want to be excited about those things You have set before me - to accomplish in and through me - to look for those gems and rejoice and give thanks that one such as I could be included and take part in this grand adventure of life - not just here on earth - but eternal and far beyond what I can currently see or even imagine.
Some days I believe it Lord - but lately I feel like I have lost that vision and become mired in the glue of the everyday routine. It reminds me of that swamp on the CandyLand board - Molasses, or Fudge, or something - all I remember is this goopy brown land with this gross looking blob-man and if you got stuck on that spot you stayed there until you drew some magical color that would release you... and somehow I feel I have hit that spot again.
With Robin Williams' recent death - lost to despair - I am reminded of my own wrestling with depression and although this is nowhere near as crushing as it has been in the past (for which I am immensely grateful!) it is as devastating in its own way. Sucking life and color out of my existence so I feel that I am doing just that - Just existing.
At the same time I don't want and wouldn't ask that You would lift depression from me. Not that I don't want it to be lifted now - I DO want to live my life full of meaning and purpose again - today - right now - but at the same time I have no regrets for bearing this malady. I am glad that I can understand in part people like Robin Williams - that I do not have the expectation for them to "snap out of it" - that I don't live baffled by people's intense and soul-crushing pain and suffering. I would not want to be one of those who looks at people like me and has the urge to force them to smile or come to "the sunnier side of life." There is something more cruel in that than the fellow-suffering... and I would prefer the thorn in my flesh over the ignorance.
It's not that I want to dwell in darkness - just that I am glad to walk through the valley of shadows and have kinsmanship - not fear or disgust or confusion - with the others who happen to also be there.
Death is a friend - not an enemy - and fear is limited to the realm of lost opportunities and broken dreams... which are terrifying in their own right without having to add death to the mix.
Sometimes though - simply being aware of the depression is enough for the fog to begin to lift... Maybe not completely - but I can encourage myself to soak in the small moments - the sparks of light - rather than quashing them in hopes for some blazing revelation.
Summer is dwindling to a close - and on the breeze I feel that hint of the magic and mystery that Autumn always feels imbued with for me. It's like I can catch whiffs of its spices on the wind - and for me - it brings back so many moments in my life where Autumn has hinted at new beginnings - magical encounters - possibilities opening.
I can soak in that much today - and find in the beauty You have tucked like secret love notes all around me a small measure of that enthusiasm and excitement that has grown so dim for me as of late.
I'm not ready for much my Lord -
But this much I am - to edge forward into the light today with hope for tomorrow -
And that is so much more than I have been ready for lately.
Bless the Lord - oh my soul
And all that is within me -
Give Him praise.
Amen Father.
Make this life yours - bit by bit.
Day by day.
Amen.
